As the international community dithers over Darfur, private military companies say they’ve got what it takes to stop the carnage, if only someone would hire them. — The Boston Globe Why is that not a good idea? Could they possibly do a worse job than the UN? OK, you could raise objections regarding accountability and the responsibility of the international community, but . . . ”This came up a long time ago. People were saying that if we use private sector in the Congo, the international community will never get its act together,” says industry spokesman Doug Brooks. ”But that was 3 million dead Congolese ago. The international community isn’t going to wake up no matter how many people you kill. I think that it would be a good idea for the international community to get its act together. But we’ve got to find another way.” Read more →
April 2006
The Dragons of our Lives
Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once brave and beautiful. — Rainer Maria Rilke Read more →
Why God Builds Gated Communities
I’m looking over this flyer for a church group meeting that my son’s going to next week. It’s being held at a member’s house in a gated community, so the flyer has directions, as well as an entry code for the security gate. “Jesus wouldn’t like gated communities,” I say. “He was very welcoming to all people. This is racist. They’re trying to keep out blacks and Mexicans.” Read more →
The World of Make-Believe
I take my cell phone out of my pocket and notice that the battery’s gone dead. “Way to plan ahead,” my son says, without looking up from his GameBoy. Read more →
How Homework Gets Done at My House
My son’s reading Catherine, Called Birdy for his 7th grade Language Arts class. The book is set in medieval England and written in the form of a 14-year-old girl’s diary. “It’s got no theme, no plot, no flow, no fun, no nothing!” the boy says. “It’s gay!” I sympathize with him — it reads like a 13th century MySpace blog — but that doesn’t change the fact that he has to read it. “I refuse to read this book!” he says. “You can’t,” his mom replies. “I have a restraining order! Catherine has to stay 10 feet away from me.” And he tosses the book into the middle of the living room. I look over at my wife . . . her eyes are now closed and she’s biting on her lower lip, accompanied by a slow, dramatic intake of breath, all of which suggests that clowntime is just about… Read more →
Notes from the Asylum
My son’s on spring break and my wife — a moderately functional paranoid schizophrenic — is taking a day off to spend some time with him. Read more →
3 Former Titans of Industry Now Having a Worse Day Than You
Ken Lay – On trial for conspiracy and fraud. Could get 20 to 30 years in prison. Not good if you’re already 64 years old. Scott McNealy – Following yet another dismal financial report, resigns as Sun’s CEO after 22 years. Sanjay Kumar – Former CA Inc. CEO pleads guilty in $2.2 billion accounting fraud, faces up to 20 years in prison. Read more →
Sun Microsystems Circles the Drain
Sun Microsystems Inc. said co-founder Scott McNealy will give up the job of chief executive to the No. 2 person at the company, Jonathan Schwartz, a historic transition for a computer maker facing stiff pressure to cut costs and boost revenue. — The Wall Street Journal So long, funny man! Read more →
World of Warcraft
My kid’s explaining World of Warcraft to me . . . if I understand it correctly, it’s like an old-fashioned game of Capture the Flag, but with some killing. And yet as I’m watching him play it, it looks more like World of Running Pointlessly Through a Forest. There’s no warcraft, no nothing. “Dude,” he says, “that’s because I’m at Level 6. When you get to, like, Level 19, there’s more warfare.” “Maybe it should be called World of Jogging Aimlessly Through the Fields Picking Flowers Like a Girl Until You Get to Level 19,” I suggest. “You don’t pick flowers, stupid. You quest.” Read more →
Card Games You Can Play With One Card
My kid had a deck of cards in my car last night and lost the king of hearts. Today, he searched the car and found it, but in the meantime, he’s lost the rest of the deck. “Know any card games you can play with one card?” he asks. “How about Go Fish? ‘Got any kings?’ ‘Crap!’” Read more →
Another Reason Dogs Are Better Than Wives
Here’s how my wife describes me and the pug: an old man and a boring dog. But the dog doesn’t insult the old man, and that’s why the old man likes the dog . . . Read more →
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
One of my son’s friends is over and all of a sudden he says out of nowhere, to no one in particular: “Kids say the darnedest things!” “They certainly do!” I say. “I wish they’d knock that off. In fact, at the top of my list of kids who say the darndest things and should really just shut up is you.” Read more →
Talking Calumny
“I pity the fool who talks calumny about me,” my son informs me. I question his pronunciation of the word “calumny.” “I pronounced it right,” he says, “but I’m down wid it either way. I’m apathetic about it.” OK . . . call me Kreskin, but I’m predicting that a new list of vocabulary words just came out at school. Read more →
Between the Two of Us, We Know a Lot of Stuff
My boy repeats something he just heard on the Angels-Twins telecast: “The Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.” Sensing a teaching moment, I ask him, “Do you know who Hubert H. Humphrey is?” “No,” he says. “But you do, so it’s all right.” Read more →
It’s a Guy!
My son’s looking over a Guy Kawasaki blog post that I printed out . . . “What’s this gay Kawasaki stuff?” he asks. “It’s Guy Kawasaki,” I say. “It’s somebody’s name.” “Guy Kawasaki is someone’s name?! What a loser! Hey, Guy! How’s it going, Guy? That guy over there is a pretty cool guy, don’t you think so, Guy? His parents must be losers too. Who names a kid Guy? Congratulations, it’s a guy!” Read more →
101 Ways to Say No
My son’s got a seemingly endless number of ways to answer no to the question “Are you done with your homework yet?” Some recent examples: — Pretty much all done, yeah. — Yes I am! (Long pause) Except for a little reading… — What? Read more →
We Are Not Responsible
We’re having dinner at the Irvine Souplantation when my kid notices a posted sign: We Cannot be Responsible for Lost or Stolen Items. “Oh really?” he says. “What if they’re your items? Can I walk out of here with this cup? How about some plates and silverware?” “I see your point,” I say. “That soft-serve yogurt machine would look great in our kitchen . . .” Read more →
My Kid Asks for Money
“Give me money or give me death! And if you give me death, I’m going to give you death, so I recommend giving me money. “And if you kill me, when Mom gets home you’re going to have to make up some lame excuse like ‘Somebody broke into the house and killed him.’ So again, I recommend just giving me the money.” Read more →