This Week in Sports Parents Must Die


My son’s playing freshman football, pursuant to which I received the following email (names changed):

Fellow Freshman parents,

Zelda and I are disappointed with the poor quality of the duffle bags the boys purchased at the start of the season. Rocko’s bag is already ripping and the zippers are becoming non-functional. As a result, we intend to buy him a much higher quality, replacement bag made out of extra heavy duty material from a Montana vendor. My firm has purchased customized travel bags from this vendor before, and our clients/employees love them. We also intend to have the bag (which will be slightly larger to accommodate a football helmet) embroidered with the T-Wolf logo and his name. This is what the bag looks like, sans logo:

High quality duffel bag

If ten or more families decide to buy such replacement bags, the cost will be $285 each plus tax and the cost of name embroidery (I don’t think the latter will amount to much, but I’m looking into it). If the order is for less than ten units, then there will be a modest charge for logo. Two families in addition to our has already asked to be included them in this order. You can visit the vendor’s website at

Please let me know as soon as conveniently possible (i.e., by the game this Saturday) if you would like to be included in the order. If so, kindly also respond back with the spelling of your son’s name to be embroidered on his bag.


Go Wolves, Beat University!

Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald

In short, if you are experiencing similar problems, this would be a high quality replacement that should last for some time.


Yeah sure, I’m definitely up for spending $300 for a bag my son can stuff his football uniform into, particularly if your “firm” has a track record with the company.

I sent the following response:

I’ve never seen a decent bag for only $285. I’ve been looking at this one from On the Fly:

Alligator leather bag

It’s a little pricey (around $12,000) but it’s made of black alligator leather and if you’re concerned about durability, it will withstand a charging rhino.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

Best regards,

Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding


I didn’t hear back from the original emailer, but I did get a response from a philanthropic but somewhat dim individual:

I hope that was a joke. If not I think you are getting carried away about a bag that the boys are going to drag around through the mud. If you have that much money to throw away maybe you should donate it to children who can’t afford equipment to even play sports.

Just a thought…


Oh dear, I guess I was a little too subtle . . .

  4 comments for “This Week in Sports Parents Must Die

  1. 28 Sep 2007 at 8:50 am

    Captain Spaulding,

    Thanks for your endorsement of the Mulholland Brothers Alligator Safari Bag ($15,600). As you can imagine, they have been flying off the shelves. And since the bag you recommended is slightly more than the original bag suggested, we have been offering a 10% discount bringing it down to $14,400. It’s the least we can do…for the kids.

  2. MS
    15 Oct 2008 at 11:44 pm

    Subtlety is lost on the truly ignorant.

  3. HW
    16 Oct 2008 at 10:33 am

    It sure is…even unsubtle subtlety.

    Btw, the comment above yours really is from the company that sells the bags. I emailed the girl back to make sure. I love their web site, I love that they track blog mentions and respond with hilarious follow-ups. If I ever have $15,000 burning a hole in my pocket, I will definitely buy one of those bags from them!

  4. MS
    16 Oct 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Unsubtle subtlety is usually considered obviousness, isn’t it?

    That is funny about the bag company though. Funnier than the stupid football parents since they’re unintentionally oblivious to their own stupidity. That’s what happens when you take too many shots to the helmet.

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