October 2016

Praying for Sleeping Bags

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I was having a conversation with someone last night about the efficacy of prayer . . . “Prayers are always answered,” I was informed, “but sometimes the answer is no, or not right now.” If God issues his edicts with perfect foreknowledge of the future, then prayer is pointless. Some prayers would be granted and some wouldn’t, depending on whether you prayed for something that God has already ordained is going to happen. Has anyone done a study on this? A control group wants things but doesn’t pray for them, a second group prays to God for what they want, and a third group prays to a random entity — maybe a shopping cart. Would there be any difference in results between the groups? I’m going to say no. It’s also hard to assess the efficacy of prayer because people rarely pray for anything tangible. My son as a kid… Read more →

Madonna Pledges Oral Sex for Clinton Voters

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Madonna Offers Oral Sex to Anyone Who Votes for Hillary Clinton — Maxim How old is Madonna? Will she have her teeth in at the time? Could I have her gargle a mouthful of Efferdent? That would be different, like fucking a bottle of club soda . . . Read more →

What Qualifies One to Teach Leadership?

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My kid calls from San Francisco to see what’s going on . . . “Well, I watched the debate, practiced my piano lesson, and now I’m preparing to teach a class tomorrow.” “What’s the topic?” “Leadership.” “What qualifies you to teach that?” Good question. Because it’s more of a workshop, not a class where I let people in on the secrets of leadership. We exchange ideas based on our own experiences and leave more prepared for whatever happens to us in the future. I just saw a link to 4 Rules the Most Successful Leaders Live By. People love lists. The idea that there are rules of leadership — four of them to be exact — and someone has written them down?! Because I have to make decisions in a limited amount of time, with a limited amount of information, and I don’t know what to do! Now here’s a… Read more →

EppsNet at the Movies: The Accountant

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The Ben Affleck character is at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, which means, among other things, that he has no social skills. I also have no social skills. It’s exhausting just to be polite to people most of the time, let alone trying to be fun and interesting. I’d like to be diagnosed with something that gives me a medical excuse for not having to do that. The Ben Affleck character also has some cool and useful skills that he learned from his dad, whereas my dad never taught me anything except how to hold a grudge (not always useful). Rating: Director: Cast: IMDb rating: ( votes) Read more →

My Answer to Creepy-Clown Hysteria

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Target halts clown-mask sales amid creepy-clown hysteria — Chicago Tribune Anybody surprises me with a disguise, it’s shoot first, ask questions later. Except “Is it Halloween?” … I ask that question first. All other questions, later. Read more →

Clutching Your Pearls

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Oh, little snowflakes, when did you all become grandmothers and society matrons, clutching your pearls in horror at someone who has an opinion about something, a way of expressing themselves that’s not the mirror image of yours, you snivelling little weak-ass narcissists? The high moral tone from social justice warriors is always out of scale with what they are indignant about. When did this hideous and probably nerve-wracking way of living begin transforming you into the authoritarian language police, with your strict set of little rules and manufactured outrage . . . — Bret Easton Ellis Read more →

God Bless Us, Every One

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I saw a Facebook status update this weekend asking for prayers for anyone with family problems, health struggles, job issues or worries of any kind who just need to know that someone cares. The deal is that you have to copy and paste the status to your own Facebook page. Full disclosure: I don’t believe in God or prayer, although I do believe that a lot of people need to know that someone cares about them. That being said, depending on how lost I feel at any given time, I’m willing to try things even though I’m pretty certain that they’re not going to work. But I have not tried prayer. Why would I need to post something on Facebook to indicate that I prayed for you? Because prayer is not a real thing that’s going to produce a tangible result in the world. So you have to tell people… Read more →

What is Life Telling Me Right Now?

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“You married a crazy person, you got old, there are women out there hooking up with everybody and you missed it, you dumb fucker . . .” Read more →

You’re Funny

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Yeah, I’m fucking hilarious . . . I’m not good at life, I’m completely alone in the world, but I’m pretty snappy with the jokes . . . Read more →

Brahms Shooting Cats

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Allegedly, Brahms would sit by a window with a bow-and-arrow-type weapon that Dvorák gave him, and shoot arrows at the cats in the street. — Schmopera Lullaby, and good night, in the skies stars are briiight . . . GODDAMN CATS!!! Read more →

Are You a Role Model for Today’s Youth?

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The first question in tonight’s debate was “Are you a role model for today’s youth?” I suppose this was the leadoff question because we found out this week that Donald Trump said some bad things 11 years ago. I’ve been surprised by the amount of phony outrage about that given that Hillary Clinton’s husband set the bar for how crudely an American president can behave toward women. Or maybe JFK set the bar — he was a pimp and a degenerate but politicians were afforded a lot more privacy in those days so it’s hard to say for sure who was the bigger lout. As far as Clinton vs. Trump, we have actions vs. words. Big difference to me between saying (for example) “I’d like to fuck an intern with a cigar” and fucking an intern with a cigar. The spectacle of Hillary Clinton saying that a lack of reverence… Read more →

Shake it Off (aka Haters Gonna Hate)

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A Chinese woman tells me that being around white guys inhibits her ability to make edgy (i.e., racist) comments about white guys . . . I reply, “White guys didn’t get to be what we are by peeing in our pants and crying for our mamas every time someone calls us a name. Haters gonna hate. That has been amply demonstrated. We’re just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake it off.”   Some people are offended by absolutely everything, some people are offended by nothing, and everyone else is somewhere in between. The people at the easily offended end of the spectrum get most of the attention. People who hear a trigger word or a dog whistle that wouldn’t bother a normal person and they’re bleeding out all over the place like hemophiliacs. That’s where most of the focus is, it seems to me. It’s a distorted view of reality. My… Read more →