See You in Hell, Gruden Haters


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings mortals —

I’m getting a chortle out of this Jon Gruden situation. Apparently 10 years ago in an email, Gruden said that a man with big lips has big lips and now everyone in America thinks he’s a worse person than I am.

He also said (via email) some things about gays and queers that people didn’t like, and has been labeled a misogynist for saying that women shouldn’t officiate football games.

What is a misogynist? It’s someone who dislikes women, right? He didn’t say, “I don’t think women should officiate football games because I hate women.” Female officials seems like a point on which reasonable people might differ.

At the same, a comedian named Dave Chappelle released a Netflix special in which he says things far more offensive than anything Gruden said, if you’re offended by name calling and singling out groups for ridicule.

Ironically, a lot of people think Dave Chappelle is really entertaining, some people revere Dave Chappelle. Of course, other people think he’s a worse person than me, but opinion is divided, it’s fair to say, on Chappelle.

Not so with Gruden. Nobody will say anything about Gruden like, “Didn’t bother me.” They’re too scared! You can’t get cancelled for watching a Dave Chappelle show but you can damn sure get cancelled for saying anything halfway reasonable about Jon Gruden.

Also ironically, for anyone who’s been in or around football or professional sports in general, pointing out that a guy has big lips can’t possibly be among the top 1,000 most offensive things they’ve ever heard or said.

What do you think happens on a football field when, say, a quarterback gets sacked? Does the guy who sacked him say “Better luck next time, old chap”? NO! He says something like “How do you like that, you fucking faggot?” Or “That’s almost as hard as I hit your mama last night.”

In other sports, not to besmirch his memory but everyone already knows this story, Kobe Bryant got fined $100,000 a few years back for calling a referee a faggot. Ryan Getzlaf of the Anaheim Ducks got a $10,000 fine (the maximum allowed under the NHL’s CBA) for saying “fucking cocksucker” from the bench to nobody in particular.

There are plenty of other slurs like “cunt,” “pussy,” “motherfucker,” etc. that are common on playing fields, in locker rooms and personal conversations (including email) but no one gets fined for those because they don’t have homosexual overtones.

And furthermore, in real life, every man in America has called someone a fag, queer or cocksucker, whether they’d admit it or not. If you can’t think of something clever, it’s just a standard fallback option to impugn someone’s manhood.

As Charles Peguy used to say:

It will never be known what acts of cowardice have been committed for fear of not looking sufficiently progressive.

See you in Hell . . .

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