Private Eyes

 

Well, it’s time for another background check. The current background check company, Private Eyes, is not as bad as HireRight — yet! — but they still have time to catch up.

To start with, they asked me to fill out and submit forms with all information regarding my education and previous employers, which I did.

Annnnd here comes their first communication:

Hello Paul,

My name is Tiffany with Private Eyes, a pre-employment background screening company. We are currently working on your employment background check. We are having trouble reaching someone who can help us verify your employment and education. If you can, please assist us by providing a copy of your check stub or W-2 form for Company A, a pay stub or W2 form from Company B and your diploma/degree/certificate/ or transcripts from your school Harvard University [school name changed – PE]. Doing so will help us speed up the process of your application to the next step.

Then at the end of a lengthy .sig file, with contact info, license numbers and whatnot, the last two lines are

Quality! Service! Fast!
ISO 27001, GDPR Certified, PBSA Accredited

I mean, god help us. “Quality” and “Service” are nouns, “Fast” is an adjective . . . to just string the three of them together followed by exclamation points is not an indicator of intelligence or competence.

And I don’t know what GDPR or PBSA are but they must set the bar pretty goddamn low for their stamp of approval.

Also: To me, it would seem more likely to speed things up if people just did their jobs instead of sending me emails asking me to do their jobs for them. It would save time on overhead.

Nonetheless, I have to respond:

Hi Tiffany –

Private Eyes gets paid to do background checks, right? Because in addition to having me fill out forms with all information about my education and past employers, you’re now sending me an email telling me to do my own background check on myself. I’ll send W-2s for Company A and Company B. Company B is out of business. That may have been a tough one. But I gave you the phone number for Company A. You could just call and verify employment.

Regarding transcripts, there must be someone at Private Eyes who knows how to verify college graduation. I’m currently on vacation and not interested in spending it chasing down college transcripts from 30 years ago. Sorry if I seem angry but this is your job, not mine.

That was yesterday. Today I got this:

Hello Paul,

My name is Tiffany with Private Eyes, a pre-employment background screening company. We are currently working on your employment background check. We are having trouble reaching someone who can help us verify your employment and education. If you can, please assist us by providing a copy of your check stub or W-2 form for Company A, Company B and Company C and your diploma/degree/certificate/ or transcripts from your school Harvard University [school name changed – PE]. Doing so will help us speed up the process of your application to the next step.

Now before you say, “Oh my god, it’s the same thing they sent the first time,” no, it’s not. They added Company C.

My response:

Tiffany, this is exactly the same email you sent me yesterday afternoon, with the exception that you’ve now added Company C as an additional task for me. I already sent W-2s for Company A and Company B. I’ve given you the phone number to contact Company C. Please pick up a phone and give them a call. As I mentioned yesterday, I’m currently on vacation and trying to enjoy it in ways other than doing background checks on myself.

Thanks …

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