Author Archive: Hostile Witness

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

 

People who ask for sample cups at the yogurt shop. A couple of possible explanations: You’re trying to eat a bunch of yogurt without paying for it. You’re an idiot and you’re genuinely puzzled by the mysterious flavor names like “Strawberry.” You need a sample cup to figure out what the Strawberry yogurt tastes like? It tastes like strawberry. You want to know what the Coconut flavor tastes like? Coconut. How about the Mango? Either way, you’ve got to pull yourself together . . . Read more →

One Thing I Think We Can All Agree Upon

 

Thank God Almighty this woman is not going to be the next president of the United States. Even if you don’t like Trump, even if you don’t believe in God, thank God Almighty this woman is not going to be the next president of the United States. Read more →

Madonna Pledges Oral Sex for Clinton Voters

 

Madonna Offers Oral Sex to Anyone Who Votes for Hillary Clinton — Maxim How old is Madonna? Will she have her teeth in at the time? Could I have her gargle a mouthful of Efferdent? That would be different, like fucking a bottle of club soda . . . Read more →

What is Life Telling Me Right Now?

 

“You married a crazy person, you got old, there are women out there hooking up with everybody and you missed it, you dumb fucker . . .” Read more →

You’re Funny

 

Yeah, I’m fucking hilarious . . . I’m not good at life, I’m completely alone in the world, but I’m pretty snappy with the jokes . . . Read more →

Olympics Update

 

I think the Chinese have an unfair advantage in the synchronized diving because they all look exactly alike. 😮 Read more →

On-Again, Off-Again Respect for Grieving Parents

 

Hey, remember when the first night of the Republican convention featured Patricia Smith, mother of Sean Smith, one of the Americans slain in Benghazi? Remember how her speech was called a “cynical exploitation of grief”? Or the “unabashed exploitation of private people’s grief” or “the weaponization of grief”? Remember how she “ruined the evening”? How it was,  “a spectacle so offensive, it was hard to even comprehend”? How some liberal commentators said, “Mrs. Smith was really most interested in drinking blood rather than healing”? How her speech represented an “early dip into the gutter”? Remember how a GQ writer publicly expressed a desire to beat her to death? — National Review Read more →

What I’d Say to Jesse Williams’ Parents

 

You must be very proud of your son’s speech at the BET Awards. I’ve tried to teach my son the same things: whine, complain, make excuses, blame your own shortcomings on others, and gratuitously insult people based on their skin color. Read more →

Why Gun Control Can’t Be Solved

 

On average, Democrats use guns for shooting the innocent. We call that crime. On average, Republicans use guns for sporting purposes and self-defense. . . . So it seems to me that gun control can’t be solved because Democrats are using guns to kill each other – and want it to stop – whereas Republicans are using guns to defend against Democrats. . . . Democrats are unlikely to talk Republicans out of gun ownership because it comes off as “Put down your gun so I can shoot you.” — Scott Adams   Good points. The NRA gets a bad rap in some circles but you never hear of an NRA member going out and shooting random people. Meanwhile, Democratic constituencies are shooting each other like the Olympic Games of murder, which for some reason leads their representatives in Congress to insist that Republicans should have to give up on… Read more →

Why is it Okay to Hate the Rich But Not the Poor?

 

There is a feeling outside Silicon Valley that those inside the tech business are living in a tone-deaf bubble of arrogance. . . . Here is the evidence that Silicon Valley is living in a bubble of its own arrogance. Startup founders feel entitled to hate the poor. — Business Insider The author seems to be based in the UK, which is outside Silicon Valley, so he writes “There is a feeling outside Silicon Valley that . . .” and inserts his own opinion. It’s a “feeling,” you see, and it exists outside Silicon Valley. Very clever. If it’s okay to hate the rich (which it seems to be), why is it not okay to hate the poor? If it’s okay to hate people without knowing anything about them other than their economic standing, why is it okay to hate the rich, but not okay to hate the poor? Why… Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

 

New poll finds 9 in 10 Native Americans aren’t offended by Redskins name — The Washington Post Man, am I sick of people who get offended on behalf of a group they don’t belong to, projecting their own phony outrage on the group members and their own biases on non-group members. In light of the poll results, non-Native American opponents of the Redskin name seem to have changed their position slightly to say that Native Americans are in fact being offended but are too dumb to realize it. Read more →

Why Don’t Asians Care About the Oscars?

 

From the Washington Post: Very white Oscar nominations leave Academy president ‘heartbroken and frustrated’ From the Los Angeles Times: Oscars 2016: It’s time for Hollywood to stop defining great drama as white men battling adversity From the Wall Street Journal: Black Actors and Directors Shut Out of 2016 Oscar Race Why don’t Asians seem to care about the Oscar whiteness crisis that continues to rage unabated? Maybe they’re too busy with jobs and school . . . Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

 

People who advise you to “embrace failure.” Probably good advice, but if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it ten thousand times. We get it: Embrace Failure. Let’s move on already. Extra demerits: You have opinions on other completely played-out topics like management vs. leadership and how to optimize your LinkedIn profile. People who say “Can I put you on hold for a moment?” and then immediately put me on hold without giving me a chance to sigh ostentatiously and say “If you must.” Full-grown adults who tell you how sexually attracted they are to an actor or actress in a movie. Extra demerits: You invent your own fawning vocabulary with words like “droolworthy.” Your ability to be sexually aroused by a fantasy on a movie screen doesn’t enhance my opinion of you at all. Try maintaining a relationship in real life with someone who’s no more attractive than you… Read more →

The Perfect Murder, Revisited

 

I have long maintained that the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff. It’s simple, clean. no need to dispose of evidence, and reasonable doubt is almost assured. It’s not totally foolproof however. Let’s look at where the defendant in this case went wrong: Harold Henthorn scouted the remote area of the popular park 75 miles north of Denver nine times before bringing his wife with him. He was searching for the “perfect place to murder someone,” where there would be no witnesses and no chance of her surviving, prosecutor Suneeta Hazra said. Don’t make nine trips to reconnoiter the scene of the crime. Don’t even make one trip. It’s both unnecessary and highly suspect. Prosecutors argued the fatal fall was reminiscent of the death of Henthorn’s first wife, Sandra Lynn Henthorn, who was crushed when a car slipped off… Read more →

Lose the Pastels and the Mopey Attitude

 

Americans love gay people. Since this photo has been posted, it has 60,000 shares, 60,000 comments (including presidential candidates) and 640,000 (that’s six hundred and forty thousand) likes. In the short time since the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling there’s been a national competition to see who can demonstrate the most elation about it. (OK, if you’re gay, a few bad apples will dislike you based on that alone but that’s true if you’re identifiable as a member of any group, which we all are.) I’m afraid about the future. I’m afraid people won’t like me. Leave out the part about being homosexual and you could post a picture of anyone. The percentage of Americans who can’t get through the day without medication — I’m including self-medication via alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, food, etc. — is a lot closer to 100 than it is to zero. Nobody’s life is a fairy… Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

 

People who post love letters to their spouse on Facebook: I’m a fairly smart guy. I’ve done smart things and dumb things. But by far, the smartest thing I ever did was 32 years ago today: I married [wife’s name]. I knew she was beautiful, smart, fun, and kind. And pregnant. You left out “pregnant.” And that she has a father with a Sicilian code of ethics who was not going to let his daughter give birth out of wedlock. What I’ve learned over the years is that she is all those and so much more. My wife is loyal, strong, persistent, faithful, courageous, generous . . . Congratulations, you married a Boy Scout! . . . and a person of great integrity. Additionally, she’s a gifted musician. Oh come on, everyone knows that’s not true. She’s not even as good as me and I’m a complete phony. At 24,… Read more →

Don’t Go Upstairs

 

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — When Bridget Winch went to parties at Kappa Delta Rho, she observed one rule: Never go upstairs. — At Penn State, one woman’s rule at fraternity parties: Don’t go upstairs – The Washington Post That merits a feature article in the Washington Post? She’s the only woman who’s figured that out? If I had a daughter, I’d like to think she’d have at least that much sense, maybe a little more. Here’s another idea: go upstairs and blame whatever happens on the fraternity, the fraternity system and our entire American society. Or if nothing happens, make something up. Related articles After release of scathing report, Rolling Stone retracts article on rape at UVA (theweek.com) Read more →

Testing a White Privilege Theory

 

According to an article titled “The Thing About White Privilege,” “job applicants with white sounding names are 50% more likely to receive a callback for a job interview than applicants with black-sounding names, even when all job-related qualifications and credentials are the same.” What happens when someone with an Asian sounding name applies for a job? Serious question. Does the answer support a white privilege theory? What about someone with an Indian sounding name? A Middle Eastern sounding name? A Jewish sounding name? Test your theories against reality rather than just slinging bullshit and ignoring information that inconveniences you. P.S. I followed the link above and learned that “applicants with white names needed to send about 10 resumes to get one callback; those with African-American names needed to send around 15 resumes to get one callback.” That’s 10 percent vs. about 7 percent. Anyone who thinks “50% more likely” is… Read more →

Women Need to Get Into New Professions Where They Can Be Shot

 

A man in Texas shot two people breaking into his home, which probably wouldn’t be terribly newsworthy except that the two people were both women. Armed robbery is like technology and engineering in that it’s a profession in which women are seriously underrepresented so I endorse this as a step forward for diversity and inclusiveness. Read more →

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