OK grandpa, now go take a nap. That’s the only Biden quote I have. Nothing on the latest jobs report, massive layoffs, high gas and energy prices, high food prices, high crime, empty shelves, open borders or Afghanistan. If you have any good ones, let me know and I’ll post them here. Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
Dirty Laundrie: How NOT to Commit the Perfect Murder
I have long maintained that the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff. While hiking, for example. It’s simple, clean, no need to dispose of evidence, and proving beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law that the deceased didn’t just fall off the cliff accidentally is almost assuredly impossible. Unfortunately, the opportunity to push someone off a cliff is no longer on the table for me, having published in advance my admiration for cliffs as a murder weapon, but I’ve got other ideas as well. That said, the worst way to murder someone is to take them on a cross-country road trip, document the whole thing on social media, then drive home by yourself and disappear. Read more →
Pronouns
I know people who identify themselves with plural pronouns, e.g., “they/them,” but I’ve never heard any of them refer to themselves with plural pronouns, e.g., “us” or “we.” They always say “I” or “me.” A couple of possibilities, not mutually exclusive: They want to call attention to themselves but in a way that they haven’t really thought through. They realize how ridiculous it sounds to refer to an individual person with a plural pronoun. I mean, go ahead and call yourself anything you want, but if you’re going to burden others with absurdities, you should have to live with them yourself. Read more →
The Kaepernick Encounter
I was pumping gas at a local station when I noticed another guy pumping gas wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey. It may add something to the story to know the race of the guy in the jersey so I’ll tell you that he was a black guy. “You got a problem with the jersey?” the guy asked me. I was actually just trying to get a clear look at the name on the jersey so I could read it, but the guy was apparently on a hair trigger to begin with. “Not with the jersey or you wearing the jersey, but Nike probably paid someone in Vietnam a dollar a day to stitch that jersey while Kaepernick himself gets paid millions to complain about inequality. You see the disconnect? Let him stitch his own jerseys, I mean what the hell else is he doing? He’s not playing football. “Did that… Read more →
One Year Later: Santa Monica Looks Back on Riots
One Year Later: Santa Monica looks back on riots — Santa Monica Daily Press More than 400 people were arrested and more than 150 businesses sustained significant damage. The story has photos but none of my favorites, which were the ones with people dashing out of smashed storefront windows with stolen merchandise in one hand and a Black Lives Matter sign in the other . . . Read more →
Why Can’t Democrats Fix LA?
According to my local paper, the Santa Monica Daily Press, LA’s “unhoused” population is being plagued by an epidemic of mental illness. (The search for euphemisms continues unabated as well. People living on the street used to be “bums,” then “homeless” and now “unhoused.”) One of the puzzling things about Los Angeles is why our political leaders can’t figure out how to solve any of our local problems, for example, what we fondly refer to as “the homelessness crisis.” It’s puzzling because the mayor is a Democrat, every member of the city council is also a Democrat, there isn’t a Republican in sight, so there’s nothing to stop them from enacting any policy they want to. It’s like they really have no idea how to solve any of the problems. It’s possible that in a city in which every elected official is a Republican that they would turn out to… Read more →
Movin’ On
“I’m still mad at the former guy for killing 500,000 of us. Anybody else feel the same way?” “I’m actually mad that he kept you alive. Also, there are 3 million global COVID deaths. Who are you mad at about those? Also, aren’t you from Toronto? What do you mean by ‘us’?” “I mean human beings.” “If you care about human beings, then why are you using the 500,000 number instead of 3 million? I get it, you didn’t like Trump. He’s gone. Why are you still spouting the same low-IQ bullshit? Move on already.” Read more →
International Transgender Day of Visibility
Did you know that March 31 is International Transgender Day of Visibility:? I didn’t know it either until today when someone posted an announcement on a corporate message board. It’s not even that new. It started in 2009. As Joe Biden would say, here’s the thing: 1) Everybody plays by the same rules. 2) Do whatever you want but don’t feel like you have to bash everyone over the fucking head with it. Is it within the rules for a woman to post on a corporate message board that she had vigorous intercourse with a man last night? And if someone takes exception she replies that she wants to recognize the accomplishments of heterosexual men and women, to celebrate the successes of the community and to educate those who may discriminate against cis-normative individuals? I feel like that would not be well-received, that we are implicitly operating under two sets… Read more →
Another Difference Between Men and Women
Breaking: USC has agreed to pay more than $1.1 billion to former patients of campus gynecologist George Tyndall, the largest sex abuse payout in higher education history. https://t.co/ipEtrsLGRc — Los Angeles Times (@latimes) March 25, 2021 My condolences to everyone involved in this painful case. Am I allowed to observe that men also have their genitals examined by medical professionals, who may be doctors, nurses or others, who may identify as male or female, straight or gay, but I’ve never heard of a man filing a lawsuit because he felt there was something wrong with the way the examination was conducted. Other than every single examination of male genitals being conducted in a way that was unquestionably above reproach, which seems unlikely, I don’t even want to speculate on the reason for the discrepancy. Also, my doctor, who identifies as female, once stuck her finger up my ass as part… Read more →
Then: “Kids in Cages”; Now: “Facilities Similar to Jail”
The number of unaccompanied teens and children in U.S. custody along the U.S.-Mexico border has reached record numbers, forcing children to stay longer in perilously overcrowded border facilities, many of which are similar to jail. — abcnews.go.com Unrelated thought: Didn’t President Biden campaign on amnesty and a halt to deportations? Read more →
An Underwhelming Correction
Here’s a pretty underwhelming correction: ?"Trump did not tell the investigator to “find the fraud” or say she would be “a national hero” if she did so."https://t.co/PnQm0aJyOu pic.twitter.com/GEzAJmhWDY — Alex Thompson (@AlexThomp) March 15, 2021 As a journalist, either put a goddamn name on the source so we can verify the information, or verify it yourself before publishing, not two months later, after everyone’s already assimilated the original bullshit as truth. Now a question: Why would anyone believe what they read or hear in the media anymore when “news” is attributed to anonymous “sources” and published without knowing, or apparently caring, whether or not it’s true? Read more →
Ban Dr. Seuss Before It’s Too Late
In Baltimore, there are 13 public high schools where zero percent of students can do math at grade level. There are six other city high schools where only 1 percent of students can do math at grade level. We must ban more Dr. Seuss books before these numbers get worse! Read more →
Why I Can’t Be a Liberal
I saw a couple of things trending on Twitter today . . . one was the death of Rush Limbaugh, and the other was “Rest in Piss,” a vulgarism that a lot of people were using to celebrate Limbaugh’s death. My own political views aren’t based on left or right, Democrat or Republican. They’re based mainly on freedom and self-reliance. If you can mind your own business, keep your hands to yourself and you’re not defrauding anyone, you can do anything you like, I don’t care. For example, if you want to have an abortion, if you want to marry someone of the same sex, go ahead. These views would align me with people on the left of the political spectrum. I’m also disgusted by the right-wing penchant to inject religion into politics. But I would never, never, never identify myself as liberal, as progressive . . . liberals are… Read more →
Hawaiian Shirts a Symbol of White Supremacy?
WOOF WOOF WOOF pic.twitter.com/h9f43D0dow — Woke Watchdog (@WokeWoofDog) January 9, 2021 My closet: P.S. I didn’t actually read the Hawaiian shirts article referenced above based on my policy of not reading articles where the headline sounds like absolute bullshit. Read more →
2 + 2 = 4. Discuss.
“The idea of 2 + 2 equaling 4 is cultural and because of western imperialism and colonization, we think of it as the only way of knowing.” “The idea that 2 + 2 equals 4 is cultural is also cultural. It just originated from a much more stupid culture. If you want to achieve anything in life, go with the idea that 2 + 2 equals 4.” Read more →
How Will the Media Treat President Biden?
Obviously the media hate Donald Trump but he has been sensational for ratings. Obviously the last four years of screaming partisan trainwreck reportage is interesting to some people. What will happen when (alleged) president-elect Biden takes over? Will we continue to get the same puff pieces we’ve been getting on him all year? He seems remarkably coherent today. What energy! Look at him go! I think he’s figured out how teleprompters work. Thank god he’s got the keys to the nuclear codes! Who’s going to watch that nonsense day after day? Nobody, is what I would assume. Will the press have to turn against Biden just to maintain ratings? I’m interested to see how that will play out. Read more →
New York Times Publishes True Story!
There was a story in the New York Times citing a recent scientific study which found that people can lose weight by exercising more. Stop the fucking presses! Follow the science! On the bright side, it may be the only factually accurate story the Times has published in the last four years. Possible follow-up: Is there scientific evidence that people can also lose weight by eating less? Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Jean-Luc Godard, film director, screenwriter Earl Holliman, actor Tony Kubek, baseball player and broadcaster Steve Lawrence, singer John le Carré, novelist Jill St. John, actress Clarence Williams III, actor Updates John le Carré, died 12/12/2020 Read more →
How is the Utah Monolith Like the 2020 Election?
If something is valuable — in the case of the monolith, because it became internationally famous — and unguarded, someone is going to steal it. Read more →
Unity For Biden
I recently heard Joe Biden giving a speech about “unity” . . . that’s what we need is somebody giving a speech about unity. Here’s the deal (as Joe would say): After spending the last year calling your opponent and his supporters Nazis, good luck with the unity . . . Read more →