Author Archive: Lightning Epps

I Had a Threesome Last Night!


My owner and his wife both rubbed my tummy at the same time! — Lightning Read more →

Pregnant Woman Mauled to Death by Pug


Ha ha, just kidding . . . it was a pit bull — again. Reports: Pet pit bull mauls pregnant Calif. woman to death — Her dad said, “She lived her own life, no matter what anyone else said.” Probably everyone said that pit bulls are dangerous so she decided to get one. How’s that working out for you? If you own a pit bull, you also need to have a pug to keep the pit bull in line. — Lightning Read more →

Travels With Charlie


My owner and I were out for a walk when we heard Charlie the Basset Hound behind us. He was howling and he was all by himself. “Hey Charlie,” my owner said, “what are you doing out here by yourself?” Then he said to me, “We’ve got to take Charlie home.” We don’t know where Charlie lives but we know what direction he lives in and it wasn’t the direction he was going, so my owner got him turned in the right direction and then said, “Come on Charlie, let’s go for a walk.” At first, he walked behind us and kept howling but then he stopped howling and started walking faster and went ahead of us. After we went a couple of streets, he turned and walked up to a front porch and started howling again. The lady who answered the door was sure surprised to see Charlie on… Read more →

Pug Meetup


There was a pug meetup at the Irvine dog park today. Here’s a picture of me with some of my pug friends. The funny thing is we didn’t even know there was a pug meetup. We just showed up and there it was! It’s a lucky day for me! I’m going to buy a lotto ticket LOL! Read more →

This Should Have Been a Major Clue


I saw this photo on the web today. Now I’m just a dog but I can’t understand why it took so long to find this guy when he has a big picture of himself right out in front of his house! — Lightning Read more →

Husky vs. Bulldog


Hi Everybody! It’s me, Lightning! This basketball game is terrible so here’s a video of a Husky puppy playing with a Bulldog puppy that you’ll enjoy a lot more . . . — Lightning Read more →

Biting the Hand


Most people who’ve seen the way I eat are afraid to get their hands anywhere near my mouth but my owner sometimes feeds me treats out of his hand. The treat can be in the fingers or in the palm. Either way, I can grab it almost faster than the human eye can detect, and I never bite the hand . . . — Lightning Read more →

March Madness Doggie Style!


It’s an all-canine final! Bulldogs vs. Huskies! Dog vs. dog in paw-to-paw combat! I think the Bulldogs will win because bulldogs look more like pugs. — Lightning Read more →

R.I.P. Knut


It breaks my spirit to see a magnificent animal die in pain in front of all those people. Folks, if you want to see a polar bear, go to the Arctic Circle. Animals aren’t happy in zoos. I know you’re thinking, “But Lightning, you live in captivity and you’re happy.” Even as a house pet, I have more freedom than a zoo animal. My owner takes me on frequent trips to the dog park, where I’m able to exercise my innate dominance of the canine kingdom. I couldn’t live in an enclosure because I wouldn’t be able to be who I am. — Lightning Read more →

Alpha Dogs Eat First


Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! Dinner time is my favorite time of the day! Delicious food moves from the kitchen to the dining room table and if anyone turns their back on it for a second, I launch myself onto a chair and grab some. Tonight I got a tasty chunk of salmon! “Lightning is a bad dog,” the boy says. “Joseph’s dog never tries to eat their food.” “Lightning is an alpha dog,” my owner says, “and alpha dogs eat first. Joseph’s dog is a pussy. He’s so far down the chain of dominance, there aren’t enough letters in the Greek alphabet to categorize him.” — Lightning Read more →

Allergy Shots


My vet says I have to go on allergy shots! I’M AN ALPHA DOG NOT A CANINE PIN CUSHION! GRRRRRRRR! — Lightning Read more →

Doritos Pug Attack


Let this be a lesson to all of you regarding pugs and food . . . — Lightning Read more →

Groundhog Day


Who came up with the stupid idea to once a year ask a GROUNDHOG his opinion about the WEATHER?! You should ask a PUG his opinion about the weather. I HAVE NO OPINION ABOUT WEATHER! PUGS ARE DOMINANT IN ALL WEATHER CONDITIONS! — Lightning Read more →

A Good Breakfast


Every morning when my owner lets me out of my enclosure, I run down the hall and make a sharp left into the family room because that’s where my food bowl lives. And every morning, because the family room has a hardwood floor, my legs slide out from underneath me like a cartoon character. Maybe I should just walk down the hall instead of running but I can’t help it! I’m always just so excited to start the day with a good breakfast! — Lightning Read more →

A Trip to the Vet


The vet asks my owner if my appetite is normal. “He’s hungry every second,” he says. “Is that normal?” For a pug it is! Now the vet is telling him how much our visit today is going to cost. “Whoa, sticker shock,” he says. “How much would it cost to just put him down?” WHAT?!?! “Kidding,” he says. HEY THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!! — Lightning Read more →

Gandhi Was Right About One Thing


The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. — Gandhi I agree with Gandhi on that point, although I disagree with his views on nonviolence and passive resistance . . . — Lightning Read more →

Fight or Flight


One of my owner’s friends is talking about the fight-or-flight response . . . I don’t have a fight-or-flight response. I have something like a fight-or-flight response, but without the flight. Grrrrrrr! — Lightning Read more →

Pug vs. Cow


Originally uploaded by Sarah Elaine Photography Pugs are not afraid to go toe to toe with any other animal, regardless of size. Case in point: Here’s a pug staring down an enormous cow. Wait, what? Cows are harmless? Well, the pug had no way of knowing that . . . — Lightning Read more →

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