Author Archive: Satan

See You in Hell: Robert E. Lee Edition

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I saw this on Facebook today: First of all, the temperature on that screencap — 81 degrees? That’s the temperature in Los Angeles. The temperature here in Hell is much hotter. Secondly, Americans are the fattest, dumbest people on the planet. Did you know that 25 percent of them think that the sun goes around the earth? So most Americans don’t even know who Robert E. Lee was, let alone the name of his horse (it was Traveller, with two l’s). Once it’s explained to them — who Robert E. Lee was, his horse’s name, what the Civil War was all about — they put it all together: the USC mascot is a racist horse! Also coming under scrutiny: everyone named Robert or Lee or having the middle initial E. See you… Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Along with pleas for money, almost 100 percent of the cardboard signs I see being held by people on freeway off-ramps and the like include the phrase “God Bless You.” There seems to be a correlation between belief in God and begging for money on off-ramps. Notice that you never see Satanists begging for money. Why don’t they pray for the money? Maybe they did pray and God told them to make a cardboard sign? I tell my acolytes if they need money, learn to code. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell: San Bernardino Edition

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] It’s hard to believe in a God who meddles in people’s lives . . . "We are a city full of hopeful optimists, who are still here and who will stay here because we believe God has something… Posted by Los Angeles Times on Friday, December 4, 2015 God has something great planned for San Bernardino! Unfortunately his plan included murdering 14 people, but with that being said, he’s got something great up his sleeve for everyone who’s still alive! Oh the inhumanity! God works in mysterious ways and so do I. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can. On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”? See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! Friends have asked my opinion of the new Diablo hot sauce from Taco Bell . . . I love the name! You call that hot?! See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I see that Pope Francis put a bee in Turkey’s bonnet a couple of weeks ago by calling the mass killing of Armenians in 1915 a genocide. According to the Turks, the Vatican should look to its own history before casting stones. Tu quoque! On that note, the 2015 Pulitzer Prize for Biography was just awarded to David I. Kertzer for The Pope and Mussolini: The Secret History of Pius XI and the Rise of Fascism in Europe. Historically, popes have been far more circumspect in condemning genocide and other atrocities when committed by countries willing to aggrandize the Church (or when committed by the Church itself!) See you in Hell, clerics of all stripes . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I just read about a father and son teaming up to punch out the son’s high school basketball coach because the teen wasn’t getting enough playing time. What a heartwarming story! A lot of young black men don’t have a male role model in their lives. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell, Raisin Man

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! We had a special arrival today! I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say, “There should be a special place in Hell for whoever decided to put raisins in trail mix.” Everything in trail mix is crunchy, except the raisins. The raisins are like shock absorbers. You can’t crunch the crunchy stuff because your teeth get caught on the raisins. Well, guess who’s here? See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] CLAYTON, Mo.— A grand jury declined to indict a white police officer in the shooting of an unarmed black teenager whose death in the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson became a national flash point on race, justice and policing. — WSJ.com Greetings from the underworld! Why is Michael Brown always described as “an unarmed black teenager” rather than “a violent troublemaker” or “a current resident of Hell,” both of which are at least equally accurate? Anyone who thinks an unarmed person doesn’t pose a threat has never been punched in the face. If you have a gun and I don’t and you let me take the gun away from you, all of a sudden I’m not unarmed anymore. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell, O Ye of Little Faith

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I was catching up on Facebook this morning and saw that a woman is going in for brain surgery and her family and friends are asking for prayers for her recovery. Isn’t that overkill — prayer and brain surgery? Why not just pray for her recovery and if she doesn’t make it, you chalk it up to God’s will? Some “true believer” religions, e.g., the Christian Science church, do that. They believe more in prayer than in medicine. They decline medical care because they believe that God can heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons, etc. as he did in the Bible. These are the folks you hear about when they come up on criminal charges after refusing medical care for their seriously ill children and the… Read more →

See You in Hell, Carl Douglas

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] “It put a smile on my face that finally [Donald Sterling] would be unable to deny the racist allegations against him,” said Carl Douglas, a lawyer who represented former Clippers general manager Elgin Baylor in a lawsuit against Sterling. — FOX Sports Carl Douglas is best known as a member of the O.J. Simpson defense team. O.J. Simpson has done some regrettable things, like murdering a couple of white people, but at least he’s never made negative remarks about Magic Johnson photos on Instagram. See you in Hell . . . P.S. Carl Douglas the lawyer should not be confused with Carl Douglas the “Kung Fu Fighting” singer. Him, I like. Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Congratulations, Americans! Your lives have become so trivialized that you think the most important issue facing your country is how many Magic Johnson photos get posted to Instagram. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell: The Fritz Pollard Edition

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] The head of the Fritz Pollard Alliance, which monitors diversity in the NFL, expects the league to institute a rule where players would be penalized 15 yards for using the N-word on the field. — NFL expected to penalize players for using racial slurs in games – ESPN The N-word. Let’s see . . . the N-word is “National,” the F-word is “Football” and the L-word is “League.” Wait — what?! I’m now being informed that the N-word in this case is “nigger.” That’s what the Fritz Pollard Alliance wants to penalize. OK, that’s a great idea, Fritz Pollard Alliance, and by “great” I mean “bullshit.” Has anyone at the Fritz Pollard Alliance read the Harry Potter books? In the Harry Potter books, Voldemort is known as He Who Must Not Be Named. He’s so powerful… Read more →

See You in Hell, New Orleans

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses. Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park. — “‘Enough is enough’: 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street” – NBCNews.com There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell. First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status. That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old… Read more →

James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words. I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype. Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check. “He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up… Read more →

See You in Hell, Game of Thrones Fans

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles had a telescope pointed at Saturn this week. Anyone who wanted to could stop by and have a look. “It looks like I thought it would look,” one observer remarked. HA! He wasn’t impressed AT ALL by the fact that better men than himself built a device that lets him see things a BILLION miles away. This same idiot later pronounced himself “blown away” by the deaths of several make-believe characters on a TV show called Game of Thrones. If your Facebook and Twitter feeds look anything like mine this morning, you know that unfortunately this is just one idiot out of many. One of the reasons America is circling the drain is people’s inability to distinguish fantasy from reality until reality hits them like a pitchfork in the guts.… Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Pastor Rick Warren’s son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says — NBCNews.com I hope this won’t affect sales of The Purpose Driven Life. The church is calling for prayers. They prayed for the kid — well, young man (he was 27) — when he was alive, he kills himself and now they’re calling for more prayers?! Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results? This is great PR for me, of course. My cell is blowing up . . . so many people trying to get in touch with me this weekend. Dear Satan — Please look after my children. I don’t want them to end up like Rick Warren’s kid. There are many troubled people on Earth looking for answers. And there are some people claiming… Read more →

See You in Hell, Marissa Mayer

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Yahoo confirmed Monday that CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to a boy on Sunday night, only about three months after taking the helm at the struggling company. The 37-year-old Mayer will work from home and continues to lead the company and “is involved in all critical decisions [sic] making,” a Yahoo spokeswoman told Reuters on Monday. “She will be working remotely and is planning to return to the office as soon as possible (likely in 1-2 weeks),” Yahoo said in an emailed comment to the news agency. — NBCNews.com I applaud young Marissa Mayer for this courageous decision! She is a role model for all the little girls out there who want to grow up and neglect their children. Working moms, my precious darlings — Don’t let anyone tell you that a woman is a better… Read more →

Satan on Walmart Heirs

6 Walmart Heirs Hold More Wealth Than 42% of Americans Combined — Mother Jones Everyone gets what they deserve, that’s my motto. Of course the Walmart heirs have a lot of money. They’re fortunate enough to be the descendants of a man who got a $20,000 loan from his father-in-law, plus five grand he’d saved up in the army, bought a store, turned it via a lifetime of hard work into a retailing empire and left his estate to his family. It’s a great American, Horatio Alger, rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, 42 percent of Americans don’t work, don’t pay taxes and collect entitlement checks, and Mother Jones gives us the absolutely priceless information that they don’t have as much money as the Walmart heirs. Sam Walton opened the first Walmart store in 1962. By 1980, Walmart had 276 stores, 21,000 employees and $1.248 billion in annual sales. If, over the course… Read more →

Satan on Rodney King

Rodney King’s fiancee was not invited to his funeral?! This is too much! I’m still dealing with the shock of learning that he had a swimming pool. I saw Al Campanis this morning and he said to me, “I hate to say I told you so . . .” Read more →

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