EppsNet Archive: Divorce

Grounds for Dissolution

8 Jan 2018 /

Divorce has traditionally been a fault-based proceeding, but California and most other states are now no-fault jurisdictions, and a divorce in legal terms is now called a Dissolution of Marriage.

And yet we never hear anyone say “I’m going to dissolve you.”

The primary ground for dissolution in California is “irreconcilable differences.” In a Regular Dissolution you are also allowed to use “incurable insanity.” Your spouse may seem crazy to you, but the insanity case is too complicated for you to present without an attorney, so if you want to keep things simple, go ahead and use “irreconcilable differences.”

Gay Divorcee Wants $94,000 a Month

21 Sep 2013 /

Jane Lynch’s ex wants $94,000 in monthly spousal supportMSN TV News

Jane Lynch

Jane Lynch

You’ve gotta be careful what you wish for.

We want to be able to marry our same-sex partners. We want to enjoy the blessings and sacraments of love just like straight people.

O-kay . . . do you also want to pay $94,000 a month to your same-sex partner when things don’t work out?

Back in the pre-gay-marriage era, Jane Lynch could have ended the relationship with a handshake and perhaps a modest gratuity if she felt like it.

People don’t know when they’re well-off. Group A feels put upon in comparison to Group B, wants to be more like Group B, and doesn’t think about having to give up the advantages of NOT being like Group B.

As Bobby Fischer used to say, “To get squares, you’ve got to give squares.” Everything’s a tradeoff.

Jane Lynch, Gay Divorcee

14 Jul 2013 /
Jane Lynch at Outfest 2010

Jane Lynch at Outfest 2010

Jane Lynch and her wife of nearly three years, Lara Embry, are planning to divorce.

“Lara and I have decided to end our marriage. This has been a difficult decision for us as we care very deeply about one another. We ask for privacy as we deal with this family matter,” Lynch told ABC News in a statement.

This is a great time to be a divorce lawyer. Legalizing gay marriage means more marriages, which means more divorces.

Also, emotion equals money in divorce cases. More emotion means more money for lawyers, and gay people are very emotional.

In keeping with a stupid but time-honored custom, the couple announces the divorce, then asks for privacy, which they’d be more likely to get if they just skipped the announcement.

James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

21 Jun 2013 /


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words.

I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype.

Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check.

“He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up his check?

As George Burns used to say, “Good acting is when Walter Matthau says to me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘Fine.’ That’s good acting. If Walter Matthau asks me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘I think it fell on the floor,’ then that’s bad acting.”

George is in heaven now.

Gandolfini’s in Hell for a couple of reasons. He was married — not when he died, but a long time ago — to a woman named Marcy Wudarski. He divorced her in December 2002, after he got famous from being on the television. They had a young son together.

Listen up, big shots. And this goes for the ladies too. You wake up one day and realize that you’re famous and you’re married to a Polack from New Jersey. You took what you could get at the time but you could do a lot better now. (Gandolfini’s widow is an Asian ex-model.) Do you have kids? No? Fine! Do whatever you want!

But God likes for married couples with kids to stick together. He says that all the evidence points to kids with intact families doing a lot better in life. Yeah, I know you’re bored with your relationship but your kids aren’t bored with it so quit being selfish.

Reason number two: God gets angry when people pretend to kill and be killed for entertainment purposes. Heads up: A lot of folks are going to Hell over this one. Death is the main source of entertainment in the U.S. at this time. Death and karaoke shows. And God doesn’t like karaoke shows either.

Gandolfini is famous for being on a TV show that entertained people with violence and death. Who’s laughing now, fat boy?

See you in Hell . . .

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Divorcing

29 Jun 2012 /
Cruise jumps on the couch during the taping of...

“Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children,” said a statement from Cruise’s rep on Friday. “Please allow them their privacy.”

Again the press release asking for privacy. ATTENTION EVERYONE! A LITTLE PRIVACY PLEASE!

If not for the press release, who would know or care about this? I’ve got my own problems, thank you.

And it’s another blow to the theory, believed by many, that having a lot of money, free time and famous friends is a guaranteed ticket to happiness. No one’s life is a fairy tale, no matter what it looks like . . .

Which Came First?

8 Jan 2012 /

Given the combined emotional maturity of the bride and groom, I wondered at the wedding which would come first: a thank you note for the gift, or a divorce.

I now have the answer: the divorce came first.

We never did get the thank you note . . .

Not Exactly Romeo and Juliet

2 Jun 2011 /
Romeo and Juliet

A Facebook friend asks to me to vote for her friends Riq and Chantelle to win their dream wedding.

Clicking through on this invitation, I learn that Chantelle is a teacher and Riq is a “tattoo’r.” From the provided photo, I’d say they’re both in their mid to late 20s.

The reason they can’t afford to pay for their own wedding? They have five kids.

I post a comment: they already have five kids?!?!

Response: Previous marriages no judging! Just vote 🙂

Then this follow-up comment from someone I don’t know: By the way that was excellent advise [sic], we should indeed never prejudge, because people who prejudge only assume things and don’t get the facts straight.

OK, this guy needs to get his shit together and calm down. I’m not “prejudging” anybody; I’m evaluating people’s mental stability (or lack thereof) based on their accumulated number of kids, spouses and tattoos.

Big difference.

Twitter: 2010-08-21

21 Aug 2010 /
  • RT @capricecrane: “Spencer Pratt Writing Tell-All About Ex Heidi Montag.” Chapter One: She marries a douchebag. #
  • RT @TheOnion: Obama To Create 17 New Jobs By Resigning And Finally Opening That Restaurant http://onion.com/a0V23H #

Twitter: 2010-07-22

22 Jul 2010 /
  • RT @joshcomers: Everyone who's better than me is overrated. #
  • RT @serafinowicz: Recently divorced robot: 'Nervous about being single and having sex again. I'm a little rusty.' #

Divorce is Bad for the Planet

2 Jun 2010 /
Moon Rise behind the San Gorgonio Pass Wind Farm

Al, Tipper Gore Shock Friends With Divorce Announcement

ABC News

As if the burden of divorce weren’t bad enough, people with failed marriages can be blamed for global warming, according to a study by Michigan State University.

Divorced couples use up more space in their respective homes, which amounts to to 38 million more rooms worldwide to light, heat and cool, noted the report.

And people who divorced used 73 billion kilowatt-hours more of electricity and 627 billion gallons of water than they would otherwise in 2005.

Dissolving a marriage also means doubling possessions, from the lowly can opener to the SUV. The report, however, did not estimate how many more natural resources the children of shared-custody parents consume by getting birthday and holiday gifts twice.

Nor did it count the greenhouse gases spent to shuttle kids between their pair of energy-hogging households.


O.J., Hulk and the Shaggy-Haired Pool Boy

15 Apr 2009 /

Hulk Hogan on his estranged wife and her new boyfriend, “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior”:

“You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife …. I totally understand O.J. I get it.”

Look for the new reality show, “O.J. and Hulk: BFFs & Cellmates 4 Life,” coming soon to a closed-circuit prison camera near you.