EppsNet Archive: Dog Food

How to Make People Love You


Let everyone know that you’re really glad to see them. Stay positive. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. The next one is a little hard to explain. For example . . . in the morning, when my owner lets me out of my enclosure, instead of running to my food dish, I run and sit in front of the cupboard to say, “This is where the dog food is kept. Can I have some please?” So . . . Don’t take anything for granted. — Lightning Read more →

Wolf King


My owner bought me a new kind of dog food called Wolf King. A wolf king is like an alpha pug. “The bag says it’s for large-breed dogs,” his son said. “Lightning is a large-breed dog,” my owner said. “No he isn’t.” “Except for his size, he is. He has the heart of a much larger animal.” — Lightning Read more →

Insulting People as a Public Service


There was a troubled-looking guy in Petco this afternoon giving away packets of Natural Balance dog food. He looked like a meth addict or something. As I walked past him, he mumbled, without making eye contact, “Want some free dog food?” “My dog won’t eat that shit,” I said, which is not true, but it certainly took the wind out of his sails. Now you might say I wasn’t very charming but by verbally assaulting him in that way, I was motivating him to rehabilitate himself and get a real job. Tough love . . . Read more →

Dog Food Review: Wellness


I don’t like this dog food. I will eat almost ANYTHING, including things that you normally wouldn’t think of as edible, like kleenex from the wastebasket, so if a dog food company produces something I don’t like to eat, they must really be doing something wrong. — Lightning Read more →