EppsNet Archive: Email

Manager

 

I’ve noticed a new trend in spam is to put the word “Manager” in front of the sender’s name, e.g., Manager Joe Schmuck instead of just plain Joe Schmuck. Are people really this stupid? Does anyone think to themselves, “I don’t know any Joe Schmuck, but if he’s come up through the ranks to the level of Manager, then I think I owe it to myself to see what he has to say”? Read more →

Intellectual Giftedness is Not Necessarily Hereditary

 

I get an email from the UCI-Gifted-Students mailing list. Shortly thereafter, a parent clicks Reply All to send out this response: Please remove my name from your mailing list. Wait, there’s more. A second parent then responds to the first parent, also via Reply All: I’m one of receipents [sic] of the UCI-Gifted-Students emails, therefore not responsible and able to remove you. I wish I knew who to direct you to. Good luck. Read more →

This Scam Still Needs a Little Work

 

I got this in my email today: From: paypal@service.com Subject: account information needs to be updated Dear PayPal Costumer … Read more →

Fun with Spell Check

 

I was writing an email this morning with the phrase “smart, motivated team players” but I misspelled it as “smart, moticated team players.” Outlook’s spell check suggested three possible corrections: motivated, medicated and masticated. We’re chewing ’em up and spitting ’em out! Read more →

Twitter: 2009-07-01

 

Office email: "Refrigerators being cleaned out tonight. Please take home anything you'd like to keep." OK. Going to stock up right now… # At a s/w demo, a user asks: "What are inheritable user permissions? Does that mean if I die, my permissions go to someone else?" # Read more →

Need a Boost?

 

We’re wordsmithing a confirmation email that we send out to new members of our association. One problem I have with it is that we talk about our mission being to “enhance the quality of nursing care” and then in the next sentence we talk about members receiving “enhanced benefits.” Do we need to use “enhance” in every sentence? What’s the difference between “benefits” and “enhanced benefits”? Maybe we could just say “benefits” and leave it at that. No, our customer care analyst says we really do offer “enhanced benefits” above and beyond the usual benefits, so we need a synonym for “enhance” if we don’t want to use it twice. I’m thinking we could say “improve the quality of nursing care” or we could say “boost the quality of nursing care.” “Improve” is clearly better but I just love the sound of the word “boost.” They’re not booing, they’re saying… Read more →

Sometimes I Am Too Fast

 

Just fired off a quick email reply: “oh good.” But mistyped it: “oh god.” Read more →

Added Comments Feed

 

Someone asked me last week if the EppsNet RSS feed includes comments. It doesn’t. So — I just added a comments feed and a Subscribe by Email option, both available in the right sidebar . . . Read more →

Goofus on Software

 

When Gallant has a question for someone, he walks down the hall and asks it. Goofus keeps fruitless email threads going for weeks. Here’s an excerpt from the comment thread on a trouble ticket regarding a database record with an incorrect status code. comment 7563 posted by goofus on 2008-09-10 8:53 AM I did change the status code in test and this did fix the problem. However, we need to speak with JS regarding this issue as to how this will be affected in production. comment 7611 posted by me on 2008-09-12 9:15 AM Let’s get JS’s response so we can close this. comment 7621 posted by goofus on 2008-09-12 9:52 AM Emailed JS regarding this issue. Waiting on a response. comment 7637 posted by goofus on 2008-09-12 2:49 PM JS is out of the office until Tuesday, 9/16. comment 7773 posted by goofus on 2008-09-18 2:05 PM Sent another… Read more →

Lotus Notes Sucks

 

I’m working with a company that uses Lotus Notes. It’s been more than 10 years since I’ve had to use Notes and it’s as bad as ever. It’s probably the worst piece of software ever released by a major company. The worst feature — well, it’s hard to pick a worst feature, but one of the worst features — because I have to deal with it dozens of times a day — is the way Notes makes me reply to email. I can’t just click Reply and start typing. When I click Reply, I get a dropdown list of options and have to select one: – Reply – Reply with History – Reply without Attachment(s) – Reply with Internet-Style History The godawful thing about this is that default options for email work 100 percent of the time. I always want to reply with history and without attachments, so why give… Read more →

Soul-Crushing Email of the Day

 

I swear to God this is a real email from a once-promising manager with degrees from Brown and Princeton, who recently accepted a new position as Chief of Staff to the CEO, and now uses her Ivy League education to put out emails like this: Effective immediately please ensure that all written communications at [insert company name here] have a minimum font size of 12. In particular, [insert CEO’s name here] has asked me to convey that he will be ‘throwing away’ any communication he receives (over email or on paper) that does not meet this criteria [sic]. Please call me with any questions or comments, and hope everyone has a great weekend! I always say if you’re going to misuse the word “criteria,” at least do it in a highly readable 12-point Verdana font . . . Thus spoke The Programmer. Read more →

Inspired Idiocy

 

It’s amazing how much havoc a person can wreak in the workplace by applying a certain kind of inspired idiocy to every situation: follow all procedures to the letter, do exactly what you’re told, and respond to all questions exactly as asked. One-word answers are ideal. The latter technique is especially effective via email. Thus spoke The Programmer. Read more →

A Promising Email Turns Disappointing

 

I got an email today with the subject line i’ve had eonugh of your bluslhit This should be great!, I thought. I don’t know what I’ve done, but some illiterate has had enough of it and is now going to settle my hash! Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be just another ad for online pharmaceuticals . . . Read more →

Happy Birthday, Spam

 

On this date in 1994, a message was posted to some Usenet newsgroups by the law firm of Canter and Siegel, advertising its services for the Green Card lottery. Others soon followed in the footsteps of Canter and Siegel, torpedoing the usefulness of newsgroups with junk messages, which eventually spread from Usenet to email. According to Brightmail, most email is now spam. Read more →

Prescription Drugs by Email!

 

I get about 200 emails a day — 90 percent junk — and 90 percent of the junk is targeted at human weakness, weariness, disappointment, regret and self-loathing. Read more →

No Thanks

 

Today’s email brings the following inquiry: Would you like a larger penis? Or for your spouse to have a larger one? Hmmm . . . neither, actually. Read more →

Why Is Everybody So Happy?

 

This is a story about customer satisfaction in the Internet age. Today’s Good Morning Silicon Valley brings this provocative item: Problems with Webvan? Mercury News reporter Joelle Tessler would like to talk to former Webvan customers dissatisfied with the company’s service. If that’s you, please drop her an e-mail at jtessler@sjmercury.com Is this for real?! Well, there’s one way to find out . . . From: Paul Epps Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2001 2:35 PM To: jtessler@sjmercury.com Subject: webvan Are you preparing an article on dissatisfied Webvan customers? How do you know they’re dissatisfied before you’ve talked to them? Who can the *satisfied* Webvan customers talk to? I’m in no way affiliated with Webvan, nor was I a customer, but this doesn’t seem fair. Apologies in advance if I’ve misread your intentions.   From: Tessler, Joelle Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2001 2:39 PM To: Paul Epps Subject: RE: webvan I… Read more →

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