The Northwood Wind Ensemble went deep into the repertoire at last week’s Irvine Band Festival for some avant-garde pieces, including one called “Rollo Takes a Walk.” “It’s the quirkiest, gayest piece I’ve ever played,” my son said. “Rollo” didn’t have any good percussion parts, just oddball instrumentation with rimshots, slide whistles, etc. “And in measure 126,” he said, “everybody stops playing and says, ‘Rollo…takes…a walk.’” “Hmmmm.” “Except it’s not written into my part so I don’t say it . . . and I play one note on the chimes.” “What note is it?” “An F.” “I’m thinking the Rollo composer could follow up with an entire Rollo suite,” I said. “‘Rollo Takes a Shower,’ ‘Rollo Takes a Test,’ ‘Rollo Takes a Vacation,’ you see where I’m going with this?” “Stop being stupid,” he said. “Why is it stupid? Because you didn’t think of it?” Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Fathers and Sons
Crucial Conversations
I know my son had a history test today, and that history is a make-or-break class for him. I want to ask him about the test but we’re having a delicious family meal at Olive Garden and I don’t want to break up the festive mood in the event the news turns out to be bad. I decide to ease into it with some small talk . . . “So, how was recess today?” o_O (BLANK STARE) I continue, “I know you had a history test today but rather than get right into that, I thought we could start with some small talk about recess.” He says, “I haven’t had recess since 6th grade.” “Oh. In that case, how was the history test?” Read more →
An MVP-Caliber Performance
He said it was “an AYSO 10-and-under caliber trophy.” He doesn’t really care though. He doesn’t display the trophies he already has. He had a great season though, and a great game in the finals. The coach asked him to play defenseman this season — which he’s never played — because they had too many forwards. He made a few mistakes but it turned out to be a great coaching move because he’s probably the strongest skater in the league and the best forwards on other teams got frustrated when they couldn’t just skate around him like they could with all the other defensemen. He’d get my MVP vote, if I had an MVP vote, and if the league had an MVP award, which it doesn’t . . . Read more →
IHF Champions
Northwood won their IHF final game against El Dorado, the number one seed, 5-2. I saw this team at the beginning of the season and said to my son, “You guys are going to lose every game.” He said, “I think we’re going to go undefeated.” It turns out he was closer to being right than I was . . . Read more →
Situational Avoidance
My son’s got a hockey game tonight. His mom is going to bring him to the game; I’m going to bring the hockey gear and meet them there. There’s a risk when we do it that way that the boy gets there and isn’t able to play because I don’t show up with his equipment, but that’s never actually happened. In fact, I’m almost always there first. In spite of that fact, he says to me this morning, “Get there early tonight so we don’t have a situation like last week.” I say, “We didn’t have a ‘situation’ last week. I got there exactly the same time you did.” “Just get there early,” he says. Read more →
In the Mirror
There’s a stranger in the house no one will ever see But everybody says he looks like me. — Elvis Costello, “Stranger in the House” Who is that sad little gray-haired man standing next to my tall, handsome boy? Read more →
Here’s What I’ve Done
And when I die And when I’m dead, dead and gone, There’ll be one child born And a world to carry on, to carry on. — Laura Nyro, “And When I Die” It may seem like a small thing, but it’s the best thing I could do. I’ve raised — we’ve raised — and continue to raise, a boy who, at the age of 15, has exceeded me as a person in every way I can think of. He’s even taller than I am. So when I’m gone, he’ll take over my spot, and the world will be a better place . . . Read more →
Living on the Edge
I’ve just poured myself a Diet Pepsi when my son announces that diet sodas are unhealthy. “They add things to the diet sodas so they’re even more unhealthy than regular sodas.” I ask him, “What do they add?” “I didn’t get that far into it,” he says, “The article started to get boring.” “In that case, I’m going to go ahead and drink this thing.” Read more →
A Lack of Foresight
It’s chilly tonight in Orange County — temperatures in the low 40s — but the dog still needs to go out for a walk so I ask my son to please take care of it. “It’s kinda cold,” he says. “It’s okay,” I reply. “He’s got fur.” “I don’t have fur.” “You should have thought of that when you asked for a dog.” Read more →
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
My son sees a book I’m reading lying on a table . . . “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” he says. “What kind of a title is that?” I say, “It’s hard to explain.” “Life,” he says in a mystical voice, “is like a motorcycle. You must maintain your motorcyle.” He makes a gong sound . . . I am in an enormous vault, dead, and they are paying their last respects. It’s kind of them to come and do this. They didn’t have to do this. I feel grateful. Now [my son] motions for me to open the glass door of the vault. I see he wants to talk to me. He wants me to tell him, perhaps, what death is like. I feel a desire to do this, to tell him. It was so good of him to come and wave I will tell him… Read more →
Another Way Computers Are Making Life Better for Everyone
His mom took the boy’s laptop computer away because she didn’t like his attitude about something or other, and now he’s trying to involve me in a secret plan to get it back. I ask him, “Why don’t you forget about the computer and do something else tonight? Read a book or something?” He says, “I need the computer so my friends and I can talk to each other.” “Use text messages. Or a phone. There’s an idea.” “We need video.” “Video? What do you need video for?” “Don’t worry about it.” “Exactly. So you don’t really need the computer.” “‘Don’t worry about it’ doesn’t mean I don’t need it. It means don’t worry about it.” “What are you going to do? Have a biggest dick contest?” “Is that what you used to do?” “We didn’t have webcams when I was your age. We had to take ’em out and… Read more →
I Went Deaf on Christmas Eve
I. At home I tell my son I’m going to the urgent care walk-in clinic. “What for?” he asks. “I want to find out why I’ve gone deaf in my left ear.” “You’ve got an ear infection,” he says. “I had one when I came back from Thailand. I was also coughing 24/7 so I had to take this insane cough syrup and ear infection pills.” “I’m not coughing 24/7. I’ve got a lot of congestion though.” “You’ll just get the ear infection pills then.” “When you took them, could you feel your ear canal cracking open? Man, that’s the best! It’s almost worth it to have a clogged passage just to feel it cracking open again.” “Yeah, but it takes a couple of days.” II. At the doctor’s office The nurse takes my blood pressure. “100 over 60,” she says. “Is that good?” I ask. (I already know it’s… Read more →
A T-Shirt with a Gorilla on It
I took my boy to Souplantation for dinner after his hockey game. An Indian kid in the line across from us was wearing a t-shirt with a gorilla on it. “That Indian guy has a cool shirt,” my son said. “I’d rock that.” “I’d sport that,” he said. “I’d don that,” he said. “I’d . . .” “I get it. Now shut up so I can focus on my salad.” Read more →
An African-American Name
My son needs an African-American name for a character he created in NFL Street. “How about Kareem of Wheat?” I suggest. He decides to go with Delondre McWreck . . . Read more →
Thinking About It
My son is stick-handling a hockey ball on the hardwood floor in the family room, when I notice a skate wrench lying on the table. I say, “Why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?” “Okay,” he says. “Why don’t you do it now, while you’re thinking about it?” “Okay,” he says. A couple minutes later, when he’s still stick-handling and the wrench is still lying there, I say, “While you’re thinking about it, why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?” “Okay,” he says. “That’s the third time you’ve said okay, and the wrench is still there.” “I’m still thinking about it.” Read more →
Stacking Plates is Woman’s Work
After Thanksgiving dinner, the hostess asked everyone to please stack their dishes and bring them into the kitchen. I started to stand up — not to stack dishes because my wife had already picked up my dishes — but just to stretch my legs, when my dad, who was sitting next to me, put his hand on my arm and whispered, “Don’t get up. That’s woman’s work.” I said, “I’m just getting up to stretch.” “Don’t move,” he said. My dad, like a lot of men his age, has old school views on gender roles. Earlier in the evening, my mom was saying she’d read that women control 60 percent of the wealth in America. “That’s all right,” my dad said, “because we control the women.” Compare that to one of my nephews, who says things like “I’m nobody’s patsy,” then turns to his wife and says, “Isn’t that right,… Read more →
The Handsome Men in Our Family
We’ve got plenty of mirrors in the house, but for some reason, our son has come into our room to comb his hair in our mirror . . . “What a handsome boy!” his mom says. I say, “Like his pappy.” “He’s got me in him too,” she says. “My dad was handsome. And my uncles are very handsome. You haven’t seen them.” I can’t resist mentioning that her brother, who I have seen, is anything but handsome. “I don’t know what happened to him,” she says. Read more →
Plaid Pants
In the process of rearranging things in the house last weekend, my wife found a box of pictures of me as a boy and showed them to our son. “Dude, those were funny,” he says. “There’s one of you sitting on a motorcycle –” He makes an angry face and pantomimes driving a motorcycle. “Vroom! Vroom! And you’re wearing — ha, ha — you’re wearing a pair of –” Now he’s laughing so hard he can hardly talk, but he manages to spit out “– plaid pants!” before collapsing in a coughing, sputtering fit. I explain to him that plaid pants were popular in the 1970s. “Mom!” he yells downstairs. “Where’s that box of pictures of Dad?” “Under the desk in the den,” she yells back. “I’ve seen those pictures,” I say, “so if you’re planning to show them to me and laugh about it, you’re wasting your time.” “I’ve… Read more →
Father-Son Conversations
FATHER: Would you take out the trash please? SON: Are you KIDDING?! I’m doing homework! I’ll take out the trash if you read To Kill a Mockingbird and tell me what each chapter is about. FATHER: I’ve read To Kill a Mockingbird. You want to know what it’s about? ‘Racism is Bad.’ Now take out the garbage. SON: Mom said my dinner was going to be ready by now and she hasn’t even started cooking it yet. FATHER: You’re a big boy. Why don’t you make something yourself? SON: I’m really not happy with the service I’m receiving here. SON: So was Mom pretty horny when you first met her? FATHER: Oh Jesus . . . Read more →
The Audition
My son’s a percussionist in the Northwood High Wind Ensemble this year. It’s an advanced ensemble . . . he’s a sophomore and most of the kids in there are juniors and seniors. They had auditions last week for section leader. I asked him leading up to the auditions if he’d been practicing his audition pieces because I never heard him practicing anything. “I practice at school,” he said, “but my chances aren’t very good. There are some older kids who are better than me.” This kid drives me nuts sometimes with his low-key approach to things. My approach to an audition would have been very different. I would have practiced like a madman and showed up ready to kick some ass, because I’ve got zero self-confidence and I over-compensate in certain types of situations. Anyway, the results are now in and the boy made section leader after all. I… Read more →