EppsNet Archive: Gay Marriage

Lose the Pastels and the Mopey Attitude

9 Jul 2015 /

Human of New York

  1. Americans love gay people. Since this photo has been posted, it has 60,000 shares, 60,000 comments (including presidential candidates) and 640,000 (that’s six hundred and forty thousand) likes. In the short time since the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling there’s been a national competition to see who can demonstrate the most elation about it. (OK, if you’re gay, a few bad apples will dislike you based on that alone but that’s true if you’re identifiable as a member of any group, which we all are.)
  2. I’m afraid about the future. I’m afraid people won’t like me. Leave out the part about being homosexual and you could post a picture of anyone. The percentage of Americans who can’t get through the day without medication — I’m including self-medication via alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, food, etc. — is a lot closer to 100 than it is to zero. Nobody’s life is a fairy tale, kid.
  3. How old is this boy? He looks about 10. Is he really old enough to have fully sussed out his own sexuality? Maybe he is but it seems far from certain.
  4. Find some role models, like Ellen and that Doogie Howser kid. Lose the pastels and the mopey attitude. Dress like a man and keep it peppy.

Doogie Howser   Ellen


Gay Divorcee Wants $94,000 a Month

21 Sep 2013 /

Jane Lynch’s ex wants $94,000 in monthly spousal supportMSN TV News

Jane Lynch

Jane Lynch

You’ve gotta be careful what you wish for.

We want to be able to marry our same-sex partners. We want to enjoy the blessings and sacraments of love just like straight people.

O-kay . . . do you also want to pay $94,000 a month to your same-sex partner when things don’t work out?

Back in the pre-gay-marriage era, Jane Lynch could have ended the relationship with a handshake and perhaps a modest gratuity if she felt like it.

People don’t know when they’re well-off. Group A feels put upon in comparison to Group B, wants to be more like Group B, and doesn’t think about having to give up the advantages of NOT being like Group B.

As Bobby Fischer used to say, “To get squares, you’ve got to give squares.” Everything’s a tradeoff.


Jane Lynch, Gay Divorcee

14 Jul 2013 /
Jane Lynch at Outfest 2010

Jane Lynch at Outfest 2010

Jane Lynch and her wife of nearly three years, Lara Embry, are planning to divorce.

“Lara and I have decided to end our marriage. This has been a difficult decision for us as we care very deeply about one another. We ask for privacy as we deal with this family matter,” Lynch told ABC News in a statement.

This is a great time to be a divorce lawyer. Legalizing gay marriage means more marriages, which means more divorces.

Also, emotion equals money in divorce cases. More emotion means more money for lawyers, and gay people are very emotional.

In keeping with a stupid but time-honored custom, the couple announces the divorce, then asks for privacy, which they’d be more likely to get if they just skipped the announcement.


Euphemisms from the DNC

7 Sep 2012 /
  • Progressive = Liberal
  • Investing = Spending
  • Choice = Abortion
  • Bodies = Abortion
  • Healthcare = Abortion
  • Who they love = Gay marriage

Liberals and Conservatives

4 Oct 2011 /

If you want to take my guns away from me, and you’re all for murdering fetuses, and love it when homosexuals marry each other, and want to give them kitchen appliances at their showers, and you’re for the poor, you’re a liberal. If you are against those perversions and for the rich, you’re a conservative. What could be simpler?

— Kurt Vonnegut

Here Come the Brides

30 Aug 2010 /

We went to a wedding over the weekend, although it won’t be recognized as such by the state of California because both people involved were women.

One of the women is Asian, the other Mexican. Both are in their late 20s, both pretty, and they seem to be very happy together.

The reception was held at The Reef restaurant, affording a beautiful view of Long Beach harbor and the downtown lights beyond.

The bride wore white. The other bride also wore white.

 

We couldn’t find a “bride and bride” wedding card at the Hallmark store.

We asked an employee about it, an older woman. “You want what?” she said.

“A bride and bride card. All the wedding cards are bride and groom, a man holding a woman’s hand. What we want is a bride and bride card.”

“We don’t have anything like that,” she said.

“You should get some.”

Silence.

 

The gentleman who performed the wedding told us that we were not just attending a wedding, we were striking a blow against ignorance and bigotry.

Actually, I wasn’t there to strike a blow for anything; I was there because I was invited.

If you’re going to position yourself as a champion of tolerance and broad-mindedness, you should go ahead and drop the name-calling.

 

The Mexican bride’s family is, I assume, Catholic and opposed to this kind of thing — women marrying women.

“I was a little taken aback when I first heard about it,” her dad said.

But she’s still their daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, etc., and the family turned out in large numbers to support her.

The Asian bride’s family was a different story. Other than a couple of cousins, they were in absentia.

Her mom didn’t attend because she opposed the wedding. Her dad didn’t attend because he didn’t even know it was happening. Mom didn’t tell him because she’s afraid it would kill him.

 

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Guys who wear porkpie hats to formal affairs.

Other than to call attention to yourself at an event that’s not about you, what possible reason could you have for wearing that hat? To protect your head? From what?

Lose the hats, hipsters.


Here’s a Strange Fact

4 Aug 2010 /
Kissing

Prop 8 was approved by a majority of California voters, it was overturned today, and yet I haven’t heard one person say that they’re anything but happy about it.

I think a lot of people are not comfortable with the idea of same-sex marriage but would rather not say so outside the privacy of the ballot box for fear of being labelled by loving, inclusive Prop 8 supporters as hateful, bigoted, hypocritical assholes who should all go burn in hell . . .


Proposition 8

14 Oct 2008 /

On Nov. 4, my fellow Californians and I will vote on Proposition 8, an initiative to ban same-sex marriages, which were made legal by a state Supreme Court ruling in May.

I know a guy — let’s call him Trog . . . Trog seems to have emerged from the mists of time untouched by human evolution.

Not surprisingly, Trog supports Proposition 8 and he feels strongly enough about it that if you stop by his office, you’ll see a fair amount of Yes on 8 campaign material.

Now I have to say that the idea of two people of the same sex getting married and making out with each other — provided they’re female and hot — does far less to tarnish my view on the sanctity of marriage than does the thought of some woman allowing this mouth-breathing ape to clamber on top of her and deposit his seed.

The fact that same-sex couples even want to get married is a stunning triumph of hope over experience. I honestly can’t think of a single heterosexual couple I’d describe as happily married — not one!

In fact, I’ve come to think of marriage as having very little to do with love, which I no longer believe in, and a lot to do with having someone other than yourself to blame for everything that’s wrong with your life.

To couples — gay or otherwise — I say don’t confuse “I love you” with “I want to marry you.”


Issue of the Day

27 Feb 2004 /

People my age or a little younger may remember some years ago, when the issue of burning the American flag suddenly became the most important issue in the country.

People were so riled up about it that a constitutional amendment was proposed to make flag burning illegal.

Continue reading Issue of the Day


Love and Marriage

23 Feb 2004 /

Love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage.

Ha Ha Ha! What a joke!

To young people, gay people, young gay people, I would say this:

Don’t confuse “I love you” with “I want to marry you.”