EppsNet Archive: Hell

Modern Baptists


Mr. Pickens knew that once he got his preaching diploma, he would open a church for modern Baptists, Baptists who were sick to death of hell and sin being stuffed down their gullets every Sunday. There wasn’t going to be any of that old-fashioned ranting and raving in Mr. Pickens’s church. His Baptist church would be guided by reason and logic. Everyone could drink in moderation. Everyone could dance and pet as long as they were fifteen—well, maybe sixteen or seventeen. At thirty, if you still weren’t married, you could sleep with someone, and it wouldn’t be a sin—that is, as long as you loved that person. If you hit forty and were still single, you’d be eligible for adultery not being a sin, as long as no children’s feelings got hurt and it was kept very discreet. But you still had to love and respect the person; you couldn’t… Read more →

See You in Hell, Marissa Mayer


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Yahoo confirmed Monday that CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to a boy on Sunday night, only about three months after taking the helm at the struggling company. The 37-year-old Mayer will work from home and continues to lead the company and “is involved in all critical decisions [sic] making,” a Yahoo spokeswoman told Reuters on Monday. “She will be working remotely and is planning to return to the office as soon as possible (likely in 1-2 weeks),” Yahoo said in an emailed comment to the news agency. — NBCNews.com I applaud young Marissa Mayer for this courageous decision! She is a role model for all the little girls out there who want to grow up and neglect their children. Working moms, my precious darlings — Don’t let anyone tell you that a woman is a better… Read more →

I Have Heard What the Talkers Were Talking


I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the      beginning and the end, But I do not talk of the beginning or the end. There was never any more inception than there is now, Nor any more youth or age than there is now, And will never be any more perfection than there is now, Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now. — Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself” Read more →

Satan on Walmart Heirs


6 Walmart Heirs Hold More Wealth Than 42% of Americans Combined — Mother Jones Everyone gets what they deserve, that’s my motto. Of course the Walmart heirs have a lot of money. They’re fortunate enough to be the descendants of a man who got a $20,000 loan from his father-in-law, plus five grand he’d saved up in the army, bought a store, turned it via a lifetime of hard work into a retailing empire and left his estate to his family. It’s a great American, Horatio Alger, rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, 42 percent of Americans don’t work, don’t pay taxes and collect entitlement checks, and Mother Jones gives us the absolutely priceless information that they don’t have as much money as the Walmart heirs. Sam Walton opened the first Walmart store in 1962. By 1980, Walmart had 276 stores, 21,000 employees and $1.248 billion in annual sales. If, over the course… Read more →

See You in Hell


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Modesto police are investigating if there’s a criminal case against a former high school teacher who resigned his job to move into an apartment with an 18-year-old girl he met while teaching. James Hooker, 41, was placed on administrative leave Feb. 3 by Modesto City Schools and resigned less than three weeks later, according to a report at the Modesto Bee. The newspaper reports that the man, who had taught business and computer classes, left his wife and children, to move in with Jordan Powers, an Enochs High School senior whom he met when she was a freshman at the school. One of Hooker’s children also attends the same high school. “In making our choice, we’ve hurt a lot of people,” Hooker told the Bee. “We keep asking ourselves, ‘Do we make everyone else happy or… Read more →

See You in Hell


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Next year I’m going to live tweet the Oscar In Memoriam segment so I can tell you which celebrities are in Hell. See you at the movies! Read more →

See You in Hell


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] It used to be called illegitimacy. Now it is the new normal. After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold: more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage. The shift is affecting children’s lives. Researchers have consistently found that children born outside marriage face elevated risks of falling into poverty, failing in school or suffering emotional and behavioral problems. — A child out of wedlock is the new normal – The New York Times (via msnbc.com) HA HA HA! And it’s only going to get worse! These poor illiterate bastards will be stabbing each other for food in a few years! Unwed mothers are my meal ticket. Keep up the good work, my little darlings! See you all in Hell .… Read more →


Why are dead people always described as “looking down and smiling”? Surely some of them must be looking up and screaming.

Satan Takes a Message for Ted Kennedy


Kara Kennedy, the oldest child of the late Sen. Edward Kennedy, died suddenly Friday evening at a Washington-area health club, NBC News reported. Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy confirmed the death of his 51-year-old sister, adding “she’s with dad.” — msnbc.com She’s not here, Patrick, but I’ll pass the news along to Teddy. Heard any good Chappaquidick jokes lately? Read more →

Satan on Osama bin Laden’s 72 Virgins


We don’t have 72 virgins down here, so I presented him with 72 vegans. He’s not happy. HAAAHAHAHA! IT’S GOOD TO BE SATAN! Read more →

Satan on Osama bin Laden


My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax. This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?! HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan! But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition. But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that… Read more →

Twitter: 2010-08-11


Other than it's not in the plan, what's the argument for not doing it? http://goo.gl/Hbu4 # RT @eddiepepitone: tweets of Bob Frankenstein ( the monster's normal brother)- Frank is just big and unfortunate. # Thank god Emma Thompson has come along to save us from G.B. Shaw, Lerner & Loewe, and Audrey Hepburn. # RT @fakerahmemanuel: This just in from Ted Stevens: Hell is actually a series of tubes. # Welcome to Twitter, @Steven_Slater # Read more →

Twitter: 2010-08-10


RT @joshcomers: “I’m ready to take this to the next level!” (overly dramatic guy walking into an elevator) # RT @joshcomers: Just saw that a guy following over 28,000 people unfollowed me. I must have really fucked up. # Risk creates value. Except when it destroys value. # RT @Jesus_M_Christ: #ILaughEverytime I send a Fundamentalist to Hell. # RT @Jesus_M_Christ: Whenever someone pleads with me for World Peace then ends their prayer by asking for bigger boobs #ilaugheverytime # Read more →

Hot Enough for You?


All of us tend to think of our own circumstances in terms of a narrow range and to feel that other pastures are greener. . . . My suspicion is that in Heaven the Blessed are of the opinion that the advantages of that locale have been overrated by theologians who were never actually there. Perhaps even in Hell the damned are not always satisfied. — Jorge Luis Borges, “The Duel” Read more →

Bon Voyage, Captain!


‘Deadliest Catch’ captain Phil Harris dies at age 53 — USATODAY.com Never saw his TV show but he was great as the voice of Baloo in The Jungle Book! ♫ Look for the (clap) Bare Ne-cess-ities . . . ♫ Say hi to Bing Crosby in hell! Read more →

Twitter: 2009-11-11


RT @MOCAlosangeles: MOCA ? YOU! Complimentary Museum Admission | SUNDAY, NOV 15–FRIDAY, NOV 20 | more info at http://bit.ly/46urQb # If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why does he keep doing it? # No hell, no dignity, no hope. Have a great day! # My wife's in LA at the Thai markets. She'll bring back those little coconut pancakes. I love coconut pancakes! # Read more →

Twitter: 2009-10-01


IT Workers Being Converted into Teachers: http://bit.ly/BEMVv # RT @Aimee_B_Loved: I try to hide my disappointment when I drop the soap in the shower and nothing happens. But Rubber Ducky sees my shame. # RT @Lileks: Modern-day Sartre: hell is other people's ringtones. # @bjsrestaurants My favorite Deep Dish Pizza is the Great White! in reply to bjsrestaurants # WSJ.com – Group Tied to Obama Urges Tax Increase http://bit.ly/V1s6X #stopthepresses # Read more →

Satan on Ted Kennedy


One of the things Ted Kennedy and I have in common is that we both love Chappaquiddick jokes. Ed Klein, a Kennedy friend and biographer, was on the radio the other day and said: I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too. HAAAHAHAHA! I hope you like heat, Teddy! I look forward to swapping jokes with you in Hell. Have you heard this one? Q. What do you call 200 Kennedy sycophants at the bottom of a Chappaquiddick pond? A. A great start, but bad… Read more →

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