[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses. Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park. — “‘Enough is enough’: 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street” – NBCNews.com There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell. First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status. That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old… Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Hell
James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words. I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype. Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check. “He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up… Read more →
I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of rewards or punishments after I’m dead. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
See You in Hell, Game of Thrones Fans
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles had a telescope pointed at Saturn this week. Anyone who wanted to could stop by and have a look. “It looks like I thought it would look,” one observer remarked. HA! He wasn’t impressed AT ALL by the fact that better men than himself built a device that lets him see things a BILLION miles away. This same idiot later pronounced himself “blown away” by the deaths of several make-believe characters on a TV show called Game of Thrones. If your Facebook and Twitter feeds look anything like mine this morning, you know that unfortunately this is just one idiot out of many. One of the reasons America is circling the drain is people’s inability to distinguish fantasy from reality until reality hits them like a pitchfork in the guts.… Read more →
See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Pastor Rick Warren’s son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says — NBCNews.com I hope this won’t affect sales of The Purpose Driven Life. The church is calling for prayers. They prayed for the kid — well, young man (he was 27) — when he was alive, he kills himself and now they’re calling for more prayers?! Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results? This is great PR for me, of course. My cell is blowing up . . . so many people trying to get in touch with me this weekend. Dear Satan — Please look after my children. I don’t want them to end up like Rick Warren’s kid. There are many troubled people on Earth looking for answers. And there are some people claiming… Read more →
Modern Baptists
Mr. Pickens knew that once he got his preaching diploma, he would open a church for modern Baptists, Baptists who were sick to death of hell and sin being stuffed down their gullets every Sunday. There wasn’t going to be any of that old-fashioned ranting and raving in Mr. Pickens’s church. His Baptist church would be guided by reason and logic. Everyone could drink in moderation. Everyone could dance and pet as long as they were fifteen—well, maybe sixteen or seventeen. At thirty, if you still weren’t married, you could sleep with someone, and it wouldn’t be a sin—that is, as long as you loved that person. If you hit forty and were still single, you’d be eligible for adultery not being a sin, as long as no children’s feelings got hurt and it was kept very discreet. But you still had to love and respect the person; you couldn’t… Read more →
I Have Heard What the Talkers Were Talking
I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the beginning and the end, But I do not talk of the beginning or the end. There was never any more inception than there is now, Nor any more youth or age than there is now, And will never be any more perfection than there is now, Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now. — Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself” Read more →
Satan on Walmart Heirs
6 Walmart Heirs Hold More Wealth Than 42% of Americans Combined — Mother Jones Everyone gets what they deserve, that’s my motto. Of course the Walmart heirs have a lot of money. They’re fortunate enough to be the descendants of a man who got a $20,000 loan from his father-in-law, plus five grand he’d saved up in the army, bought a store, turned it via a lifetime of hard work into a retailing empire and left his estate to his family. It’s a great American, Horatio Alger, rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, 42 percent of Americans don’t work, don’t pay taxes and collect entitlement checks, and Mother Jones gives us the absolutely priceless information that they don’t have as much money as the Walmart heirs. Sam Walton opened the first Walmart store in 1962. By 1980, Walmart had 276 stores, 21,000 employees and $1.248 billion in annual sales. If, over the course… Read more →
See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Next year I’m going to live tweet the Oscar In Memoriam segment so I can tell you which celebrities are in Hell. See you at the movies! Read more →
Aside
L’enfer, c’est les autres …
Aside
Why are dead people always described as “looking down and smiling”? Surely some of them must be looking up and screaming.
Satan Takes a Message for Ted Kennedy
Kara Kennedy, the oldest child of the late Sen. Edward Kennedy, died suddenly Friday evening at a Washington-area health club, NBC News reported. Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy confirmed the death of his 51-year-old sister, adding “she’s with dad.” — msnbc.com She’s not here, Patrick, but I’ll pass the news along to Teddy. Heard any good Chappaquidick jokes lately? Read more →
Satan on Osama bin Laden’s 72 Virgins
We don’t have 72 virgins down here, so I presented him with 72 vegans. He’s not happy. HAAAHAHAHA! IT’S GOOD TO BE SATAN! Read more →
Satan on Osama bin Laden
My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax. This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?! HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan! But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition. But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that… Read more →
Welcome to Hell
Twitter: 2010-08-11
Other than it's not in the plan, what's the argument for not doing it? http://goo.gl/Hbu4 # RT @eddiepepitone: tweets of Bob Frankenstein ( the monster's normal brother)- Frank is just big and unfortunate. # Thank god Emma Thompson has come along to save us from G.B. Shaw, Lerner & Loewe, and Audrey Hepburn. # RT @fakerahmemanuel: This just in from Ted Stevens: Hell is actually a series of tubes. # Welcome to Twitter, @Steven_Slater # Read more →
Twitter: 2010-08-10
RT @joshcomers: “I’m ready to take this to the next level!” (overly dramatic guy walking into an elevator) # RT @joshcomers: Just saw that a guy following over 28,000 people unfollowed me. I must have really fucked up. # Risk creates value. Except when it destroys value. # RT @Jesus_M_Christ: #ILaughEverytime I send a Fundamentalist to Hell. # RT @Jesus_M_Christ: Whenever someone pleads with me for World Peace then ends their prayer by asking for bigger boobs #ilaugheverytime # Read more →
Hot Enough for You?
All of us tend to think of our own circumstances in terms of a narrow range and to feel that other pastures are greener. . . . My suspicion is that in Heaven the Blessed are of the opinion that the advantages of that locale have been overrated by theologians who were never actually there. Perhaps even in Hell the damned are not always satisfied. — Jorge Luis Borges, “The Duel” Read more →
Bon Voyage, Captain!
‘Deadliest Catch’ captain Phil Harris dies at age 53 — USATODAY.com Never saw his TV show but he was great as the voice of Baloo in The Jungle Book! ♫ Look for the (clap) Bare Ne-cess-ities . . . ♫ Say hi to Bing Crosby in hell! Read more →
Twitter: 2009-11-11
RT @MOCAlosangeles: MOCA ? YOU! Complimentary Museum Admission | SUNDAY, NOV 15–FRIDAY, NOV 20 | more info at http://bit.ly/46urQb # If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why does he keep doing it? # No hell, no dignity, no hope. Have a great day! # My wife's in LA at the Thai markets. She'll bring back those little coconut pancakes. I love coconut pancakes! # Read more →