Raising intelligent, loving, sturdy children! Protecting some good woman! Dignity! Health! Love! Industry! Intelligence! Trust! Decency! High Spirits! Compassion! What the hell do I care about sensational sex? — Philip Roth, Portnoy’s Complaint Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
A Father’s Day Portrait
HIM: Did you smile? ME: Not really. HIM: I didn’t either. Read more →
Not Much to Show for Myself
My wife gives the boy a plate of donettes as he comes down for breakfast. Then she asks me, “Do you have 10 dollars you can give him?” Checking my fund supply, I find that I have a five-dollar bill and two ones. “I have seven dollars,” I say, holding up the bills. “Fifty years of life and this is what I have to show for it. Seven dollars.” The boy jumps into the conversation at this point. “There’s only five donuts here,” he says. “These definitely come in a package of six.” “Okay, I modify my statement,” I say. “Fifty years of life has given me seven dollars and a donut. Not even a large donut. A donette.” Read more →
Personal Preferences
One of my son’s friends, his parents split up some time back because his dad, as it turned out, was not really attracted to women. I met the gentleman for the first time last night at a school concert. How he was able to convince anyone, including himself, that he’s not gay is a mystery. “Did you notice they’re opening a new restaurant at South Coast Plaza?” he said in a voice as gay as Christmas. “They’ll be serving only locally grown food. I was on my way to the Apple Store . . .” Now I’m not saying that every man who cares about where his food is grown or owns an Apple product is gay but . . . “I own an Apple product,” my son says. “Yeah, an iPod,” I reply. “That’s okay. That’s mainstream.” Read more →
Judging Books by Covers
They say you can’t make judgments about people based on what they look like but of course that’s nonsense. You don’t think so? OK — our office building is right next door to the Orange County Social Services Agency. Once in a while, someone drives into our parking lot and causes me to say to myself, “That person has got to be looking for Social Services.” Because they look like someone whose kids should be taken away from them. And in every case I’ve been correct — the person goes to the Social Services Agency! Put that in your juice box and suck it. Read more →
A Word of Advice on SAT Prep
My son and some classmates are at our house studying for tomorrow’s SAT subject exams . . . “How’s it going?” I ask. “It sucks,” the boy says. “Well,” I say, “since I’ve already completed high school and Lightning doesn’t have to go, we’re going to go to the park.” “Aren’t you cool,” he says. “We are,” I say. “We’re cool. Can I offer a word of advice? Just relax. It’s not like your whole future depends on the outcome of this test . . . no wait, it does! AAAAHHHH! PANIC!!!” Read more →
A Rare Event
I’m out walking the dog and one of the neighborhood moms asks me, “What grade is your son in now?” “He’s a junior in high school this year,” I reply. “I saw him out walking the dog the other day.” “You did? Oh you’re lucky to see that,” I said. “It’s a rare event, like an eclipse. Everyone gets very excited when it happens.” Read more →
Finer Things
As we’re driving home from Extra Mile, I ask my son, “How’s that Icee?” “Good,” he says. “What flavor did you go with?” “Pineapple Mango.” “It makes me feel good to be able to provide my son with the finer things in life.” “A 99-cent Icee?” “Fine things don’t have to cost a lot of money.” Read more →
Schools on Strike
“Can you take me to the Barnes and Noble by your work?” my son asks. “I need to get AP study guides.” I work in Aliso Viejo but since it’s Saturday and I’m not going to work, I ask why we can’t go to the Barnes and Noble right here in Irvine. “Asian kids are running rampant on the selection,” he says. “I’m guessing there’s not as much hustle and bustle in Aliso, especially since our schools don’t go on strike.” Read more →
The Lion in Winter
The Lion in Winter arrived from Netflix . . . “That doesn’t sound too gay,” my son says sarcastically. “What’s gay about it?” I ask. “Lions aren’t gay. Winter is not gay.” “It’s the combination of the two,” he says. Read more →
Fresh Strawberries
My car smells like fresh strawberries today! And I don’t mean some phony air freshener, I mean my wife gave our boy a bowl of fresh strawberries to eat while I drove him to school this morning — and he didn’t eat them. They’re still sitting on the front seat of my car. Ahh, but the strawberries that’s . . . that’s where I had them . . . Read more →
Don’t Underestimate Me
Now, each of us has his own special gift And you know this was meant to be true, And if you don’t underestimate me, I won’t underestimate you. — Bob Dylan, “Dear Landlord” My owner and I took a walk tonight and we saw a woman we’ve seen many times before. She is about 40 years old in human years and a little bit chubby. Tonight she was playing with a volleyball in front of her house with her kids and another girl. She was very good! She was bumping and setting with aplomb! “I underestimated her,” my owner said. “She looks like a chubby housewife but she’s also a good volleyball player.” That happens to me a lot too. As you can see in the photo, I’m not very big compared to some other dogs but I have the heart of a much larger animal. — Lightning Read more →
Don’t Touch My Stuff
“Anyone who knows me as well as you do,” I say to my son, “knows that one thing I really hate is when I put something in one place and somebody moves it to a different place, so the next time I need that thing I can’t find it. Which brings me to the topic of the DVD remote . . .” “I put it to the left of the TV,” he says. “Are you sure you didn’t put it behind the TV where no one would be likely to find it?” “Did you find it?” he asks. “No — Mom found it, and when I asked her where she found it she pointed behind the TV.” “Hmmm . . . I would say it was to the left of the TV.” “Let me ask you this: Why did you move it at all?” “It was in my chair.” “That’s… Read more →
Cooking Tips (Given the Unidirectional Nature of Time)
“How long would you microwave this for?” my son asks, holding a bowl of refried beans and chopped chicken. “I’d start out with a minute,” I say. “A minute?!” “Yeah. Is that too much?” “It’s too little.” “Well, I’d rather start out by undercooking the food a little bit because I can always cook it some more, whereas once I’ve fried it into a flaming gob, I don’t have any recourse.” “You’re weak,” he says. “Okay, do it your way, Volcano Joe.” Read more →
Tips for Test Takers
My son has a math test today. He was up till 3 a.m. studying for it. In my experience, a positive mindset is essential to successful test-taking, so on the drive to school, I give him a piece of advice. “Walk into the classroom,” I say, “look at the teacher and lay down a challenge, like ‘Let’s do it.’” “It’s not her test,” the boy says. “What does that mean?” “It means every class takes the same test — Schneider, D’Antonio . . .” “THAT DOESN’T MATTER,” I say. “The important thing is to lay down the challenge. ‘Stop bitin’ on my styles.’ Granted, that one doesn’t make any sense, but it gives you the positive mental framework that you need for mathematical success.” Read more →
Bowing for Cash
My son’s half-Asian — his mom is Thai — and he feels like he’s missing out on an important Asian tradition. “On Chinese New Year,” he says, “Chinese kids get wads of cash. Koreans have a holiday where kids go to relatives’ houses, bow to people and get wads of cash.” He mentions a Korean friend of his who raked in 180 bucks the last time this holiday rolled around. “Why isn’t there a Thai holiday where kids bow to people and get wads of cash?” he asks. “Isn’t that how pretty much every day goes for you?” I ask. “Without the bowing, I mean. Handing you wads of cash though — that part is in full effect.” Read more →
Pride and Prejudice
As my son comes downstairs for dinner, he says, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune –” I finish it with him: “– must be in want of a wife.” “We spent 45 minutes in class today analyzing that one sentence,” he says. “It’s a very famous sentence,” I say. “The next sentence will probably go faster.” Read more →
How to Get an A in Hell
At Northwood High School, Honors Euro Lit is known by its acronym — HEL (pronounced hell) — and widely regarded as the hardest class at the school. In order to get an A in the class for the first semester, my son needed a very high score — around a 98 — on the final exam, didn’t get it, and finished with a semester grade of 89.27 — a high B. If he’d had at least an 89.5, the teacher would have rounded it up to an A. So out of 1,000+ possible points over the course of the semester, an 89.27 means you missed an A by only three or four points. I’ve always encouraged the boy to be proactive with his teachers. Some people call this “sucking up” but I’ve been a teacher myself and I can tell you that teachers like students who are engaged and make… Read more →
Notes From Interstate 5
It poured rain all the way from San Jose to Los Angeles . . . “It’s a good day for cows,” I say to my son, as we drive by a field of happy-looking bovines. “It’s raining,” he points out. “I don’t think cows mind a little rain. They get to eat lush, moist grass. Instead of dry grass. Do you like to eat a dry salad with no dressing? You don’t, right?” No answer. “I’m trying to think like a cow here.” “My phone would go out right in the middle of a text message,” the boy says. “That’s awful,” I say in mock sympathy. “It is,” he says. “It was a thoughtful, heartfelt text message.” “How thoughtful and heartfelt can a text message be? Aren’t you limited to 160 characters?” “Not to Verizon numbers.” “Oh. Well, that is disappointing then.” We’re driving past an agricultural area… Read more →
Waving at the Computer
Last night in the hotel room, I was lying on one of the beds reading and my son was sitting on the other bed doing something on my computer. At one point, in my peripheral vision, I thought I saw him waving at the screen. “Were you just waving at the computer?” I asked him. “I was testing your webcam,” he said. “Oh. Does it work?” “Yeah.” Read more →