Judgmental people suck # My 16yo son's visiting cousins in Australia. He tells his mom to stop calling every day. “People will think I’m a baby.” # Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
Twitter: 2009-07-28
A Lesson in Mystique: http://bit.ly/p0zCr # Called my boy to say Happy Birthday. It's not till tomorrow but he's in Australia, where it's already tomorrow. # Read more →
My Son Turned 16 Abroad
I called my son to wish him a Happy 16th Birthday. His birthday is actually tomorrow but he’s in Australia visiting his cousins for a couple of weeks and in Australia, it’s tomorrow already. When I called, he was at a train station with his cousin Lizzie — well, I’ve always called her Lizzie but she’s 19 now and may prefer Liz. They were waiting for the train to go to Bondi Beach for the day. Happy birthday kid. Miss you . . . Read more →
A Different Person
Our son’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins . . . I’m talking to people at LAX in a fake Australian accent. My Australian accent is not all that tight except on words with a long “a” sound, which I replace with a long “i” sound, e.g., “mate” becomes “mite.” “Sorry, mite,” I say, as I roll a suitcase over a gentleman’s foot. “Did you just say what I thought you said?” my son asks. “When you travel,” I explain, “you can be a whole different person.” We take the bags over to the baggage scanner. I know we don’t have to wait for them but since “wait” has a long “a” sound, I ask the woman, “Do I ‘ave to white?” “No,” she says. “Jus’ drope i’ oaf then?” I ask. “Yes,” she says. Read more →
International Cuisine
We’re dropping our 15-year-old son off at LAX. He’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins. He’s explaining his theory of international cuisine, which is that there’s not going to be any Mexican food in Australia because there are no Mexicans in Australia. On the other hand, they probably have New Zealand food that those of us in the States have never heard about. “That’s why it’s important to travel,” I say, “so you can learn about things like that. Or you could just stay home and watch the Travel Channel.” Read more →
My Son Says He Needs a New Watch
As we’re passing a watch shop in the Buffalo airport, my son, age 15, says, “That reminds me — I need a new watch.” I say, “Why do you need a new watch? When we were getting my watch, you told me you already had a cool watch.” “When was that?” “I don’t remember but it wasn’t that long ago.” “I didn’t say my watch was cool,” he says. “I just said your watch was lame.” Read more →
Anatomy is Destiny
My wife’s explaining to our boy how she managed to pass a driving test and get a license without ever taking a driving lesson: “I drove in Thailand and when I came over here I just took the test. I’m pretty charming. People like happy, smiling people. And when I was young, I was cute. The examiner just said, ‘okayokayokay.’ I hate to say it, but when you’re good looking, you get the benefit.” Read more →
Airline Safety
As we’re waiting for the plane to leave the gate, my son’s looking over the airline safety brochure, which shows multiple scenarios of people sliding to safety out of a downed plane — onto grass, into water, etc. He says, “None of these things is going to work if the plane is going–” here he makes a plummeting motion with his hand, along with a plummeting sound effect. “The plane is on the ground in those pictures,” I say. “You’re not supposed to slide out of the plane while it’s still in the air.” “I know. I’m saying there’s no solution if the plane actually crashes.” “That’s right. Do you want to get off?” Read more →
A Long Story About a Chair
Our hotel room has a bedroom, where I sleep, and a living area with a pull-out sofa where my son sleeps. Between the rooms is a door that I close at night when I go to bed. I got up this morning, opened the door and almost fell over a desk chair that shouldn’t have been there. “Why’s this chair set up here like a barricade?” I asked my son. “It’s a long story,” he said. “Really? What’s the story?” “We were talking in the lobby last night and Ian got in trouble with his dad for being out of the room so late. Chris couldn’t sleep in his room because his mom and dad had some guests come by so he was going to sleep in Ian’s room but then he didn’t want to because Ian was in trouble so he came in here. He was going to sleep… Read more →
Postgame
“What did the coach say to you guys after the game?” I ask my son. Long pause. “I can’t remember,” he says. “But I absorbed it.” Read more →
A Partly Eaten Cobb Salad from IHOP
As I get home from work, my wife greets me with what looks like a leftover, partly eaten Cobb salad . . . “We went to IHOP,” she says, “and we got this for you.” “Oh, thanks,” I say. “Thanks for thinking of me.” Later in the evening I catch up with my son and ask him what he had to eat at IHOP. “I had a steak omelet and pancakes,” he says. “That sounds really good. I wanted to thank you for treating me to the half-eaten Cobb salad.” “Mom said you’d like that,” he says. “And that was pretty much a whole Cobb salad.” “It looked partly eaten to me.” “The bacon was partly eaten.” “That’s the best part of the salad.” Read more →
Mysterious Ways
We got this email from my son’s indoctrination camp (grammatical errors included): It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have a confirmed case of the H1N1 virus . . . We understand that there a considerable number of students and staff who became ill on the last day of camp or just after returning home. . . . While getting people sick is not something we want and definitely not something we like, the riches of Christ being shared at camp far outweighs the risk of illness and that we’re praying for all those who are affected that they will be well soon. God moves in mysterious ways. Like why didn’t He send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp? And I don’t let the camp staff off the hook. Why didn’t they pray before the camp that no one would get swine flu instead of… Read more →
The Thin Man
“The doctor said I’m really skinny,” my son says. “I’m in the 75th percentile for weight but I’m in the 94th percentile for height.” “That’s not a really big difference,” I say. “She said I could be 6-foot-4 by the time I’m 20.” “I’d like to be 6-foot-4.” “I wouldn’t,” he says. “I’m going to stand out everywhere.” “I’m 6 feet, maybe a little over, and I’m taller than most people, but if I was 6-foot-4, I’d be definitively taller than most people.” “Exactly,” he says. “I’ll be a freak.” “6-foot-4 isn’t a freak. Girls love tall guys.” “I’ll be an outcast giant.” Read more →
Lost or Not Found
My son can’t find his cell phone . . . “You should glue it to your hand,” I say, “since you lose it at least once a day.” “No, I don’t,” he says. “Once a week, then.” “Okay, but I never lose it. I just can’t find it at the time I need it.” Read more →
Team Player
“Mom, can you drop me off at the park for basketball?” “Not now, honey, I’m on a business call.” “People are waiting for me! YOU’RE KILLING MY TEAM!” Read more →
Greatest Tweet Ever
I say to my ex: “How can you ask if he’s your kid? You can count backward from his birth to one of the two times in six years we had sex.” — Penelope Trunk Read more →
The Triumph of My Pedagogical Method
Northwood High School grades came out today. My son got A’s in all of his classes. He won’t know that himself until Saturday night because he’s currently incommunicado at Children of the Corn camp, but the honors classes at Northwood are anything but a slam-dunk A, even for the best students, so we’re very proud of him. He’s become a lot better at managing his time and plotting out academic strategies, down to the level of selecting the right background music for study sessions. He’s still not as proactive with his teachers as I’d like him to be, but behavioral modification takes time. You can offer ideas, but until an idea and the kid’s readiness for the idea converge, nothing happens. Years may go by. For example, he just recently started setting up more study groups with his friends, a mere four years after I first mentioned to him that… Read more →
Church Camp
My son’s at a church camp in San Jose for the next week. He doesn’t actually go to the church, but friends of his do, and he’s been to this camp with them before and liked it. He left yesterday morning, which was Fathers Day. That’s the first thing I don’t like about this camp, that they take the kids on Fathers Day. The next thing I don’t like is that they collect the kids’ cell phones when they arrive, so they can’t call home except in cases of emergency. “I thought churches were supposed to teach kids to honor their parents,” I say to my wife. (She’s not sympathetic to this line of inquiry. She thinks all churchgoers are good people although I’ve never been able to see the correlation.) “They’re probably up there right now telling the boy his dad is going to hell . . .” Read more →
School’s Out
Today was the last day of school here in Irvine . . . “Can I get a ride to Orchard Park?” my son asks. He has friends that he meets there to play basketball. “Did you check with Mom?” I ask. “I don’t have to check with Mom,” he says. “I’m out of school now.” “So you don’t have to check with Mom?” “No. Not any more.” After he checks with his mom, I drive him over to the park. Actually, he drives to the park and I ride along. As we’re approaching a red light at Jeffrey and Trabuco, he says, “I’ll stop the car so you can’t even feel it.” This is something I showed him how to do. I’m pretty good at it, but he goes through so many slow-motion false stops and starts that by the time he’s done, the car is almost entirely in… Read more →
Halfway Through High School
Tomorrow’s the last day of school here in Irvine. I walk by my son’s room . . . he’s studying for his last finals and listening to bebop piano music, which is not on his normal playlist. “What you listening to, Mr. Noodling Jazz Musician?” I ask. “Thelonious Monk,” he says. “Is that part of an assignment?” I know he’s been studying the Harlem Renaissance in English. “No, it just helps me study.” He’s in 10th grade now . . . he continues to improve his study habits and time management so I pretty much let him do things the way he wants to. “OK. Let me know if you need anything.” By this time tomorrow, my little boy will be halfway done with high school . . . Read more →