I’m going to savagely murder the next person I hear use the word “spend” as a noun, as in “leveraging our spend.” Spend is a verb. Spending is a noun, e.g., “leveraging our spending.” I would still have to maim you for saying “leveraging” though, so try “getting the most for our money.” You can also avoid death by saying “How much does it cost?” instead of “What is our spend?” You have been warned. Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Stupidity
Let’s Get Drunk and See How Fast We Can Drive My Expensive Car
According to the California Highway Patrol, [Kurt Duncan] Naegele, [Ryan Robert] Doheny, Doheny’s brother-in-law Darren William Dahlman, 38, of Pasadena, and Christopher H. Pennell of Los Angeles, had been drinking as guests invited to a birthday party on the San Simeon ranch on Sept. 18, 2009. They drove to the airstrip to find out how fast Naegele’s Range Rover could go, something a CHP investigator claims Doheny later told him was a bad idea because it was pitch black out and Naegele was driving very fast and erratically. Around 11 p.m., the Range Rover rolled several times before falling down a steep embankment 300 feet off the runway on the north side of the airstrip. The crash killed Dahlman, seriously injured Naegele (who had to be extricated from behind the steering wheel) and also injured Pennell and Doheny. Naegele and Doheny estimated to officers that they had been traveling 35… Read more →
Dilbert: Anecdotes for Morons
Things You Can and Can’t Do
Things You Can Do Discriminate against Asians in college admissions. Things You Can’t Do Use “Chink in the Armor” as the headline for an article on the New York Knicks. Read more →
The Unmistakable Mark of the Moron
We had a vendor rep stop by the office this morning . . . The first thing he told me was, “I got a workout in this morning before I came over. Great way to start the day!” Really? How does that information solve any of the problems we’re having with your software? How does it alter my planned activities for the day? You are not a serious person. The unmistakable mark of the moron is he (or she) tells you about his workout schedule, especially if he has just worked out or is just about to work out. Read more →
Overheard at Hearst Castle
“Here’s your wristband for the tour.” “What do I do with it?” Read more →
Enjoying Life to the Fullest
FARGO — An eyewitness here says a Fourth of July fireworks accident decapitated a Fargo man Monday night. Police identified the victim as Jesse William Burley, a 41-year-old father of two, who enjoyed life to its fullest, said Burley’s stepfather Chuck Asplin of Fargo. — Grand Forks Herald If by “enjoyed life to the fullest,” you mean “had no fucking sense.” He died doing what he loved — being a complete asshole. Maybe I can’t say that I enjoy life to the fullest, but at least my head is still attached to my shoulders . . . Read more →
Live Like a Jackass, Die Like a Jackass
To anyone who misses Ryan Dunn, may I suggest that you honor his memory by getting drunk and driving your car into a tree. The tragedy here is that Bam Margera wasn’t in the car with him. I object to having these guys introduced into my life via front-page headlines. Why is Ryan Dunn’s death more noteworthy than any other moron with a fast car and a drinking problem? Because he shoved a toy car up his ass? Here in our neighborhood in Irvine, we had a drunk guy a few weeks ago run a red light at Irvine and Culver and smash his truck into a car containing a father, his 14-year-old daughter and three of her friends on their way home from a birthday party. One of the girls, a freshman at Northwood High School, was killed. The fact that Ryan Dunn killed himself and a 30-year-old man… Read more →
Satan on Osama bin Laden
My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax. This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?! HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan! But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition. But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that… Read more →
Shelvin and Nasir
Regarding bonehead fouls in the last two seconds of the Pittsburgh-Butler game, I don’t look for guys named Shelvin or Nasir to make heady decisions in the clutch . . . Read more →
The Funniest Thing I Saw All Day . . .
. . . was a company web page that said if you call their customer service line, you should “be prepared to give your customer number, first and last name . . .” OK, thanks for the heads-up on the customer number but how much preparation do I need in order to be able to provide my first and last name? Read more →
Twitter: 2010-10-29
RT @capricecrane: Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes. # RT @serafinowicz: I have two eyebrows, but they're both over the same eye ":( # Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who use the word “signage,” e.g., “We’ve got to put up some signage so people can find the right conference rooms.” Look — like most words, the plural of “sign” is formed by adding “-s” at the end, not “-age.” This kind of language abuse just makes everyone stupider. Read more →
A Bad Combination
Twitter: 2010-01-05
Why Bogus Therapies Seem to Work: http://bit.ly/7wtEVf # Read more →
The Three Requirements for Happiness
To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless. — Gustave Flaubert Read more →
Twitter: 2009-08-31
If you leave the final s off the word assess, spell-check will not flag it as an error. This was an accidental discovery, like penicillin. # I saw a kid walking around today wearing a ski cap. A SKI CAP!? IT'S 93 DEGREES! Wearing SKIS would make more sense! # Read more →
There Are Good Places to Hike Right Here in America
TEHRAN, Iran (CNN) — Iran confirmed Tuesday the arrest of three American hikers who crossed into the country from neighboring Iraq and said they have been charged with “illegal entry,” a semi-official news agency reported. — Iran confirms U.S. hikers arrested for ‘illegal entry’ – CNN.com When you hear about people doing something pointless and stupid — and not just pointless and stupid but elaborately pointless and stupid — like traveling halfway around the world to take a frigging hike along the border of a totalitarian regime that hates Americans, don’t you secretly hope that something bad will happen to them? So do I . . . Read more →
It’s Cold When the Label Turns Blue
What problem is this designed to solve? Are there really people who can’t tell when a beer is cold? The ones in the fridge are cold. Just like any other beer . . . Read more →
Overheard
. . . at the bagel shop: What’s on the “everything” bagel? Read more →