There’s a picture of kids playing hockey on the back of the 5-dollar bill: Read more →
July 2009
NARCh – Day 1
The Devil Dogs played their first two round-robin games today. In the afternoon game, they beat the Motor City Moose from Detroit, 5-3. Devil Dogs scored the first three goals, but the Moose came back to 4-3 down before the Dogs scored a late goal for the final margin. After the game, we came back to the hotel, barbequed some burgers and hot dogs, then drove back to the arena for a 9 p.m. game against the Mission Mayhem, a local team from here in Ontario. Devil Dogs won, 3-2. My son had a nice goal. A teammate tried to saucer a pass to him as he skated to the front of the net, but the pass stayed airborne all the way. He took a short baseball swing at it and batted it in out of the air. When an NHL player does that, it’s a definite SportsCenter Top 10,… Read more →
Team Bonding and an Amazing Coincidence
Yesterday’s team bonding activities included miniature golf, pizza and a midnight screening of Brüno, all within walking distance of the hotel. After the movie, the kids walked to McDonalds. It was closed. The drive-thru was still open, but they didn’t have a car. Just then — in an amazing cross-continental coincidence — Eddie, the manager of our local rink in Irvine, pulled into the drive-thru, and the kids got him to buy them all ice cream cones . . . Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-09
Niagara Falls is INSANE! # RT @paulandstorm: [P] "Listen to them. Children of the night. Christ, what a racket." #1stdraftmovielines # RT @paulandstorm: [P] "First rule of Fight Club is — dues must be paid by the first of every month." #1stdraftmovielines # RT @paulandstorm: [P] "I'm mad as hell, and I'm telling you, that's pretty damn mad. Mad, mad, mad! Hoo-boy, am I mad!" #1stdraftmovielines # RT @paulandstorm: [P] "He's Spartacus!" #1stdraftmovielines # RT @paulandstorm: "I'm sorry; did you say 'badgers' or 'badges?' Actually, we don't have either, so the point is moot." #1stdraftmovielines # RT @ChipChantry: "Guys, guys, time out… this boat is WAY TOO SMALL." #1stdraftmovielines # RT @ChipChantry: "If you build it, your wife will get angry with you." #1stdraftmovielines # RT @diablocody: "Make sure I get paid adequately." #1stdraftmovielines # Why isn't there a law against guys with sleep apnea taking redeye flights? # Just… Read more →
A Partly Eaten Cobb Salad from IHOP
As I get home from work, my wife greets me with what looks like a leftover, partly eaten Cobb salad . . . “We went to IHOP,” she says, “and we got this for you.” “Oh, thanks,” I say. “Thanks for thinking of me.” Later in the evening I catch up with my son and ask him what he had to eat at IHOP. “I had a steak omelet and pancakes,” he says. “That sounds really good. I wanted to thank you for treating me to the half-eaten Cobb salad.” “Mom said you’d like that,” he says. “And that was pretty much a whole Cobb salad.” “It looked partly eaten to me.” “The bacon was partly eaten.” “That’s the best part of the salad.” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-08
RT @sportsguy33: "I'd like a non-fat decaf latte" is a fancy way of announcing, "I suck, don't ask me out." # Got a free smoothie for filling up my stamp card! All my hard work is finally coming to fruition! # Read more →
Feeling the Pinch
Toronto in July
We’re off to Toronto for a week for NARCh. I wonder what the weather’s like in Toronto in July. At least there won’t be thunderstorms every day like the NARCh tournaments we went to in Florida. Let me check the forecast . . . Read more →
Dying at the Right Time
So much depends on dying at the right time. Michael Jackson had long since gone from the King of Pop to Wacko Jacko, but by dying now, he was reborn as the King of Pop and all the weird stuff became mostly background noise. If he’d died as an old man, he would have been remembered as a creepy dude who at one time made some pretty good music . . . Read more →
It May Depend on the Temperature
Here’s another colleague in the break room, wiping something off the front of her shirt . . . “I spilled coffee down my shirt,” she explains. I ask: “How does that compare with just drinking it, as far as a pick-me-up is concerned?” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-06
RT @TheFatJew: America needs another season of "Entourage" like Clay Aiken needs to look more like a lesbian dental hygenist # Read more →
Team A vs. Team B
My son and I are leaving Wednesday night for Toronto where his 16-and-under team, the Devil Dogs, is playing in the NARCh roller hockey tournament. Do the Dogs have a chance to contend? Short answer: I don’t know. That’s why they play the games. Longer answer: They’re in a round-robin bracket with teams from New York, Canada and two teams from Michigan. If you get through the round-robin games and into the single-elimination rounds, anything can happen. Let’s say Team A is good enough to beat Team B 9 games out of 10, or even 99 games out of 100. There’s still that one game that Team B wins, and in single elimination, that’s all you need. Whether that’s good news or bad news depends on whether you’re Team A or Team B. Read more →
Too Much Realism
Q: David’s character, Boris Yellnikoff, is sort of an Allen anomaly, no? He’s downwardly mobile, and his cynicism is self-destructive. A: First off, I never consider these people cynical. I consider them realistic. I will say that I do agree completely that too much realism is self-destructive. — 5 questions with Woody Allen, director of ‘Whatever Works’ | Freep.com Read more →
Fourteen Good Days
I have now reigned about fifty years in victory and peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to be wanting for my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to fourteen. O man, place not thy confidence in this present world! — Abd-el-Raham, 912-961 A.D. Read more →
The Life of a Soybean
Here’s one of my colleagues in the break room, making a sandwich and pouring a small carton of something down the sink . . . “What are you pouring out?” I ask. “Soy milk,” she says. “I didn’t drink it soon enough. I’m wasting the life of a soybean.” “Wow . . . when you put it that way, it sounds pretty upsetting.” “It is!” she says. “I’m distraught! That’s why I’m eating.” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-05
RT @sportsguy33: The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot as the English stare us down from the mound. Suck it, England! # RT @presentationzen: A pie chart of procrastination http://post.ly/16VO # When the only tool you have is a suicide bomb, every problem looks like a jihad — Best of the Web Today # What a match! Unbelievable… # Why didn't God send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp? http://bit.ly/EQtfE # Read more →
Mysterious Ways
We got this email from my son’s indoctrination camp (grammatical errors included): It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have a confirmed case of the H1N1 virus . . . We understand that there a considerable number of students and staff who became ill on the last day of camp or just after returning home. . . . While getting people sick is not something we want and definitely not something we like, the riches of Christ being shared at camp far outweighs the risk of illness and that we’re praying for all those who are affected that they will be well soon. God moves in mysterious ways. Like why didn’t He send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp? And I don’t let the camp staff off the hook. Why didn’t they pray before the camp that no one would get swine flu instead of… Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-04
RT @diablocody: I ordered a bunch of Yankee Candles while drunk. Now the house smells of pie and remorse. # RT @darthvader: I love national holidays where blowing up a rebel stronghold can easily be considered a spectacular “finale.” # Weinerschnitzel: 2 chili dogs plus chili cheese fries for $3. Ain’t that America! # RT @diablocody: Ah, the patriotic “flag bikini.” There’s nothing like having a nation’s pride wadded up in your labia. # RT @ericmusselman: Abraham Lincoln: “I will prepare, and someday my chance will come.” # Read more →
Thomas Jefferson Wishes You a Happy Fourth
My fellow Americans — Happy Independence Day to all of you! Please take a few minutes on this day to look at a wonderful history lesson — about me! — by Maira Kalman, in which you’ll learn, among other things, that I actually wrote the Declaration of Independence! Thanks, Tom Read more →
I Had a Bad Dream
Hi Everybody – I just had the worst nightmare! My owner took me to a country fair and I got lost and we couldn’t find each other! It was so realistic! I’ve never been so sad and scared! But then I woke up and it was just a dream and so I was happy again! — Lightning Read more →