JACKSON, Mississippi (AP) — Paul Davis, a singer and songwriter whose soft rock hit “I Go Crazy” stayed on the charts for months after its release in 1977, died Tuesday. He was 60. — CNN.com That’s disappointing. Not the fact that he died, because who cares, really, but the fact that he didn’t actually go crazy and kill himself in some bizarre fashion . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
What Kind of Person Are You?
I’m definitely not a morning person. I used to be a night person, but now I’m more of a nothing person. There’s no hour of the day or night that I wouldn’t rather close my eyes and sleep . . . and sleep . . . Read more →
Once is Not Enough
According to a billboard I saw today, a child is diagnosed with autism every 20 minutes! That goes to show how little I know about it. I would have thought that once would be enough. Is he still autistic, doctor? I’m afraid so, but I’ll check him again in 20 minutes . . . Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Charlie Callas – comedian Robert Clary – actor, “Hogan’s Heroes” Mike Connors – actor, “Mannix” Jackie Cooper – actor Ann B. Davis – actress, “The Brady Bunch” Joan Fontaine – actress Shecky Greene – comedian Ray Harryhausen – film producer, “Jason and the Argonauts” Tom Kennedy – game show host Gina Lollobrigida – actress Peter Marshall – game show host, “The Hollywood Squares” Jack Narz – game show host Joyce Randolph – actress, “The Honeymooners” Ravi Shankar – sitar player Gale Storm – actress Mort Walker – cartoonist, “Beetle Bailey” Updates Charlie Callas – died 1/27/2011, age 83 Robert Clary – died 11/16/2022, age 96 Mike Connors – died 1/26/2017, age 91 Jackie Cooper – died 5/3/2011, age 88 Ann B. Davis – died 6/1/2014, age 88 Joan Fontaine – died 12/15/2013, age 96 Shecky Greene – died 12/31/2023, age 97 Ray Harryhausen – died 5/7/2013, age 92 Tom Kennedy… Read more →
Why TV Shows Are So Stupid
Welcome to EppsNet, where the writers are not on strike! Striking writers are stupid. Pretend you’re a TV executive and your writers are on strike. Oh dear! What will I do? I’ll have to show reruns and only get 90 percent of the dimbulb audience I’d get showing new episodes. Boo hoo hoo! Television is the opiate of the masses, man! People will watch it no matter what’s on. They can’t live without it. We’ve got TVs in restaurants, health clubs, cars, you name it. They’re ubiquitous! The number of people like me — who think that if you want to eat dinner in front of a TV set you should stay the hell at home — is very small compared to the number of people who will not leave their homes if it means being separated from a television. Hey scribes! People are going to turn off their flat-panel… Read more →
Disturbing Sight of the Day
A fat woman at the office, sitting at her desk finger-fondling a frosted gingerbread man, whether because it was “male” or because it was edible, I’m not sure. It’s no less disturbing either way. Parenthetically: I don’t think she knew anyone could see her . . . Read more →
Subprime Sinkhole
The rising tide of the mortgage industry lifted some pretty spurious boats here in Orange County, so it’s fun now to watch the subprime sinkhole laying them low. Example: John Lynch, the “surfing banker,” executive VP of Secured Funding Corp., specialists in home equity loans and second mortgages to people with bad credit. I had this guy pegged as a moron years ago, around the same time OC Metro ran a fawning blowjob of a profile on him: For the foreseeable future, he will continue as a master of both the surfboard and the boardroom — plus anything else that he decides to do. — OC Metro, Jan. 8, 2004 Well, that was then and this is now: The party is over in Orange County. These days, Secured Funding’s once-buzzing office building in Costa Mesa, near John Wayne Airport, is gutted. The imprint of “Secured Funding” is all that remains… Read more →
Community Leaders
I’ve got here an email from the Irvine Public Schools Foundation (IPSF), soliciting online donations at the IPSF website. Also on the website is a page listing the names of the IPSF board members, along with their corporate affiliation. Seven of the board members have no corporate affiliation and instead are given the tagline of “Community Leader.” Question: What in the world is a Community Leader?! How does one acquire such a designation, other than not having a real job? Couldn’t we just identify them as Volunteers or Parents or Parent Volunteers, instead of making them out to be some sort of tribal chieftains? Based on the one Community Leader that I actually know personally, I’d say a more appropriate label would be Community Nuisance or Gadfly. Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Earl Butz – U.S. secretary of agriculture Oral Roberts – preacher Updates Earl Butz – died 2/2/2008, age 98 Oral Roberts – died 12/15/2009, age 91 Read more →
This Week in Sports Parents Must Die
My son’s playing freshman football, pursuant to which I received the following email (names changed): Fellow Freshman parents, Zelda and I are disappointed with the poor quality of the duffle bags the boys purchased at the start of the season. Rocko’s bag is already ripping and the zippers are becoming non-functional. As a result, we intend to buy him a much higher quality, replacement bag made out of extra heavy duty material from a Montana vendor. My firm has purchased customized travel bags from this vendor before, and our clients/employees love them. We also intend to have the bag (which will be slightly larger to accommodate a football helmet) embroidered with the T-Wolf logo and his name. This is what the bag looks like, sans logo: If ten or more families decide to buy such replacement bags, the cost will be $285 each plus tax and the cost of name… Read more →
Life Lessons
My friend PE was laid off recently. He’s leasing out his house and renting a smaller place in an effort to keep his finances under control. This should be a good lesson for that boy of his: Work hard all your life, try to do the right things, and you too can wind up with no house, no job and a wife who hates you . . . Read more →
Killer Popcorn
Doctor Links a Man’s Illness to a Microwave Popcorn Habit — New York Times, Sept. 5, 2007 If you actually read the story, you see that the man’s doctor says that there “is not a definitive causal link” between popcorn and the man’s health problems. You’ve gotta love the total overreaction to one case where popcorn may have caused a lung problem. The Bush administration had better crack down on this pronto!!! Frankly, I’d rather get a lung disease and die than live in a country where the government tells me I can’t eat popcorn! You can take my popcorn when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands! I’m going to go pop up a batch right now in protest! Have a nice day . . . Read more →
Definition of Marriage
I’ve come to think of marriage less as a way to spend your life with someone you love, and more as a way to have someone to blame for your life turning out the way it did . . . Read more →
Naked People on a Glacier
In this image supplied by Greenpeace, U.S. artist Spencer Tunick and Greenpeace Switzerland present hundreds of naked people to symbolize the vulnerability of glaciers under climate change. Is that what it’s supposed to symbolize? What did it symbolize when he photographed hundreds of naked people in Venezuela, France, Britain, etc., etc., etc. Isn’t anyone else bored out of their minds with this idiot yet? He’s like that miscreant who dresses up Weimaraners, and everyone else who has one limited idea and keeps repeating it over and over and over. I don’t claim to be a great artist, but let me tell you how this glacier shoot should have been done: You put the hundreds of people on the glacier, at which time they discover to their dismay that they’re stuck there like a tongue on a lamppost. You leave them there to slowly starve to death and decompose. It reeks… Read more →
The Old Game
I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It’s called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn’t blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator. — Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Read more →
OK, So They Were Violent and Crazy
More details are emerging on the crazy naked woman with a gun case . . . Not surprisingly, despite a neighbor’s assertion that Kevin and Joni Park “were not violent or crazy,” it turns out that they were in fact violent and crazy. Read more →
Free Advice
I heard a radio commercial today for Robbins Bros., a local engagement ring chain, offering free advice on how to make your marriage proposal a creative and memorable event. I’ll give you some free advice, I thought, although my advice won’t sell a lot of engagement rings . . . Read more →
Charlie Hustle
For years, Pete Rose denied betting on baseball while he was manager of the Cincinnati Reds. Now he admits to betting on his team every time they took the field. — FOXSports.com Good for him! Managers and players should be required to bet on their own teams. You’d see those assholes running out ground balls for a change, I assure you. Read more →
Stupid People and Their Stupid Dogs
A guy brought a laser pointer to the dog park tonight so his retarded dog could chase the beam around like a nitwit. He tried to get my dog to chase it, but the dog just looked back at him to see where the beam was coming from, which is the intelligent thing to do in that situation. “The pug doesn’t see it,” the guy said. “He sees it,” I explained, “but pugs are too smart to chase light beams.” “What does being smart have to do with it?” Laser Guy asked. “Would you run around the park chasing after a laser beam?” I asked. “You wouldn’t. You know why? Because it’s stupid. You can’t catch it. Chasing after a ball or a frisbee makes sense. I’ve done that myself. But running around after a light beam is just moronic.” Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Rona Barrett – gossip columnist Gene Barry – actor Orson Bean – TV game show panelist Van Cliburn – pianist Richard Dawson – actor and game show host Bo Diddley – musician Patti Page – singer Jean Stapleton – actress Abigail Van Buren – advice columnist Updates Gene Barry – died 12/9/2009, age 90 Orson Bean – died 2/7/2020, age 91 Van Cliburn – died 2/27/2013, age 78 Richard Dawson – died 6/2/2012, age 79 Bo Diddley – died 6/2/2008, age 79 Patti Page – died 1/1/2013, age 85 Jean Stapleton – died 5/13/2013, age 90 Abigail Van Buren – died 1/16/2013, age 94 Read more →