Dat’s de ‘fect of education; dat’s de t’ing what’s gwine to rule; Git dem books, you lazy rascal! Git back to yo’ place in school! — James Weldon Johnson, “Tunk” If you’ve ever wondered — I know I have — if certain of your colleagues completed the 8th grade, or rather spent their time jacking off like apes when they should have been doing math homework, you may be interested in Could You Pass 8th-Grade Math?, a sample of the Illinois State Board of Education’s math test for 8th graders. Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
Going Broke Peacefully
Let the world slide, let the world go; A fig for care, and a fig for woe! If I can’t pay, why I can owe, And death makes equal the high and low. — John Heywood, “Be Merry Friends” According to Tahira Hira, a professor of personal finance and consumer economics at Iowa State University, a big source of money problems is that people just don’t know enough about their own financial reality: They don’t know what they earn, they don’t know what it takes to live, and they don’t know their discretionary income. That is so true. Unfortunately, in my family, my wife is dead-set on managing the finances, despite the fact that her idea of financial “management” consists of writing checks when the bills come due. I used to fight with her about that, but I’m a very sensitive person — I can’t live in an atmosphere of… Read more →
Jack LaLanne at 88
From a Dateline NBC interview with fitness guru Jack La Lanne, who will be honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Sept. 26, his 88th birthday: Keith Morrison: A lot of people, once they start to get older, have things like strokes and heart attacks, high blood pressure, arthritis, those kinds of diseases that are associated with age. Have you had a heart attack? Jack La Lanne: I can’t afford to. It’d wreck my image. I can’t afford to die, man. Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Idi Amin – General, dictator & President of Uganda (1971-79) Updates Idi Amin – died 8/16/2003, age 77 or 80 Read more →
Useless and Pointless Knowledge
Now I wish I could write you a melody so plain That could hold you, dear lady, from going insane That could ease you and cool you and cease the pain Of your useless and pointless knowledge. — Bob Dylan, “Tombstone Blues” “I don’t think it would have all got me quite so down if just once in a while–just once in a while–there was at least some polite little perfunctory implication that knowledge should lead to wisdom, and that if it doesn’t, it’s just a disgusting waste of time!” — J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey Where is the life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information? The cycles of heaven in twenty centuries Brings us farther from God and nearer to the Dust. — T.S. Eliot, “The Rock” Read more →
The Difference Between Austin Powers and Citizen Kane
With as much fun as we had doing this one, and with how much everyone enjoys these films, we should at least get together and talk about doing another one. — Canadian funnyman Mike Myers on Austin Powers in Goldmember Millions are to be grabbed out here and your only competition is idiots. Don’t let this get around. — Citizen Kane screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz, wiring from Hollywood to Ben Hecht in New York History doesn’t record how much fun was had “doing” Citizen Kane, but as film buffs are no doubt aware, there never was a sequel. Read more →
No Work Today
A former colleague of mine died over the weekend — “former” only in the sense that he’s now deceased; he was in the office as recently as last Friday. Sadly, I suppose, my first thought was: “At least he doesn’t have to come to work today.” Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Ralph Edwards – game show host Red Schoendienst – baseball player and manager Pete Seeger – folk singer/songwriter Updates Ralph Edwards – died 11/16/2005, age 92 Red Schoendienst – died 6/6/2018, age 95 Pete Seeger – died 1/24/2014, age 94 Read more →
Ironic Twist of the Year Award
Leaving men wholly, totally free To do anything they wish to do but die . . . — Bob Dylan, “Gates of Eden” According to Slate, if NRA president Charlton Heston does in fact develop full-blown Alzheimer’s disease, California state law would compel him to surrender his firearms. Read more →
Parenting Paradox
How do you love someone so much knowing that you’re going to lose them — that in fact you are losing them a little bit every day? Read more →
The Greatest Golfer Who Never Won a Major
The only person who remembers if you finish second is your wife and your dog — and that’s if you have a good wife and a good dog. — Gary Player Believe it or not, there was once a time when great golfers actually won majors . . . Read more →
Teaching Kids to Write
Having students write essays about books accomplishes three things. It makes them hate writing, because it’s such a fruitless, uninteresting assignment. It makes them hate reading, because even books they enjoy are turned against them. And it probably makes them hate thinking, because the kind of analysis they’re forced to do is so strained and dull. — Joseph Weisberg Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Joey Bishop – TV host Ernest Borgnine – actor Red Buttons – actor Kitty Carlisle – game show panelist Alistair Cooke – TV host Buddy Ebsen – actor Glenn Ford – actor Eugene McCarthy – U.S. senator Jack Paar – TV host, “The Tonight Show” Don Pardo – TV announcer Artie Shaw – clarinetist and bandleader Byron White – U.S. supreme court justice Richard Widmark – actor Updates Joey Bishop – died 10/17/2007, age 89 Ernest Borgnine – died 7/8/2012, age 95 Red Buttons – died 7/13/2006, age 87 Kitty Carlisle – died 4/18/2007, age 96 Alistair Cooke – died 3/30/2004, age 95 Buddy Ebsen – died 7/6/2003, age 95 Glenn Ford – died 8/30/2006, age 90 Eugene McCarthy – died 12/10/2005, age 89 Jack Paar – died 1/27/2004, age 85 Don Pardo – died 8/18/2014, age 96 Artie Shaw – died 12/30/2004, age 94 Byron White – died 4/15/2002,… Read more →
Samuel Butler Meets Rusty and Andrea Yates
“Poor people! They had tried to keep their ignorance of the world from themselves by calling it the pursuit of heavenly things, and then shutting their eyes to anything that might give them trouble.” — Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh Related Links Transcript of Andrea Yates’ confession This is very, very sad and hard to forget. You may want to just skip it. Read more →
Crazy Eddie’s Movie Reviews
Entertainment for mental patients I was a student at Cal State Fullerton in 1976 when Ed Allaway went berserk, shooting nine of his co-workers in the university library, killing seven. Read more →
Having it All! (Except the Kids)
More highlights from the Census Bureau’s Fertility of American Women report released last week: Overall, 43 percent of women of childbearing age (15 to 44 years old) were childless in 2000. Among women who were nearing the completion of their childbearing years (40 to 44 years old), 19 percent were childless, almost twice as many as women in the same age group in 1980 (10 percent). Women nearing the end of their childbearing years had an average of 1.9 children, which is below the level required for the natural replacement of the population (about 2.1 births per woman). This average is one child less than the average for women in this same age group in 1980 (3.0 children). Read more →
Having it All!
Working moms are destroying the nation The labor force participation rates of mothers with infant children fell from a record-high 59 percent in 1998 to 55 percent in 2000, the first significant decline since the Census Bureau developed the indicator in 1976, according to the Fertility of American Women report released last week. Read more →
Dav Pilkey Lives!
Charles Dickens, however, is dead I was reading Bleak House last night, and my 8-year-old son said, “Charles Dickens is dead, right?” And I said, “Yes, he’s dead.” “It seems like all the good writers are dead.” “Well, a lot of them are dead.” “Dav Pilkey is still alive.” So there you have it: Charles Dickens is dead but Dav Pilkey lives. Tra-la-laaaaaa! Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Ingmar Bergman – film director Henri Cartier-Bresson – photographer Archibald Cox – Watergate special prosecutor Olivia De Havilland – actress Edward Heath – British prime minister Skitch Henderson – bandleader Thor Heyerdahl – anthropologist Edmund Hillary – mountaineer Van Johnson – actor Mitch Miller – bandleader Stan Musial – baseball player Bettie Page – model Thurl Ravenscroft – voice, Tony the Tiger Max Schmeling – heavyweight champion boxer Penny Singleton – actress, Blondie, Jane Jetson Enos Slaughter – baseball player Billy Wilder – film director Alan Young – actor, “Mister Ed” Updates Ingmar Bergman – died 7/30/2007, age 89 Henri Cartier-Bresson – died 8/22/2004, age 95 Archibald Cox – died 5/29/2004, age 92 Olivia De Havilland – died 7/25/2020, age 104 Edward Heath – died 7/17/2005, age 89 Skitch Henderson – died 11/1/2005, age 87 Thor Heyerdahl – died 4/18/2002, age 87 Edmund Hillary – died 1/11/2008, age 88 Van… Read more →
Leaving Silicon Valley
Notes from the Rainbow Hotel Casino, Wendover, NV: Belongings in a U-Haul in the parking lot. I liked the Bay Area, but it was indifferent to me. I sold online ads for an Internet company. I wore shorts to work and still made a lot of money. Then in October, the executives called a meeting and told us the company was closing. We had an hour to leave the building. I was really sad. I got another job selling ads for LookSmart. But LookSmart wasn’t as smart as it looked. In January, they laid off 30 percent of the staff, including me. There was good news too. I could always find 12 friends to go bowling on a Friday afternoon because they didn’t have jobs either. Now I’m going B-to-C. Back to Cleveland. Read more →