Author Archive: Paul Epps

See You in HEL

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HELSINKI (AP) — Would you board flight 666 to HEL on Friday the 13th? For superstitious travelers, that might be tempting fate. But Finnair passengers on AY666 to Helsinki — which has the 3 letter designation HEL — don’t seem too bothered. Friday’s flight is almost full. — “Would you board flight 666 to HEL? Read more →

At the Drive-Thru

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“Hi, would you like to try our new [insert product name here]?” “Do you think I’ll like it?” “Uh, I don’t know.” “Then why are you recommending it? Don’t you want me to be happy?” Read more →

If You Quote Poetry at My Death, I Will Haunt You

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If you know me, and you outlive me, and you want to say something on the occasion of my demise, please do not quote a snippet of poetry or other literary material, e.g., “He did not go gently into that good night.” Or: “I think Wordsworth said it best . . .” Bullshit . . . Wordsworth did not say it best. Wordsworth didn’t know me. You knew me. Go ahead and say something from the heart if you have something. Keep it real. He was not a good person. He had the most appalling social skills, which is why he had no close friends. After his son moved out, he just unraveled like an old sock. I remember at Jackie O’s funeral, her kids — was it just one kid, or both? I think both — read a poem. A poem! That’s when you really know that your life… Read more →

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by assholes. — William Gibson

The Aliens Have Landed in Irvine

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It’s about one in the afternoon at the Irvine In-N-Out Burger. A guy who looks to be in his early 20s comes in wearing a backward baseball cap, dark sunglasses (which he never removes) and — despite a temperature in the high 80s — a pullover sweater. To simplify the storytelling, let’s call this guy Alf. Alf waits in line, places his order, then immediately walks over and stands in front of the pickup counter. The place is packed, and I can tell from looking at the number on my own ticket that there are about 10 more orders ahead of me, and since I ordered before him, there are about 15 more orders ahead of Alf, so there’s no reason for him to be standing at — in fact, leaning on — the pickup counter. After a few moments, the kid at the pickup counter asks Alf what his… Read more →

Taco Warmer

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Photo by supjchwa2 “Jack in the Box tacos have to be eaten when they’re hot, so when I buy them at the drive-thru, I also buy a bag of french fries, set the fries on top of the tacos and use them as a taco warmer to keep the tacos hot until I get them home and eat them.” “Do you eat the fries as well?” “No, I don’t eat the fries. I just use them to keep the tacos warm.” “The french fries keep the tacos warm?’ “Right.” “What keeps the french fries warm?” Read more →

Seeing the Thing Through

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Ah, poor fellow!–and Herzog momentarily joined the objective world in looking down on himself. He too could smile at Herzog and despise him. But there still remained the fact. I am Herzog. I have to be that man. There is no one else to do it. After smiling, he must return to his own Self and see the thing through. — Saul Bellow, Herzog Read more →

The Life That Exhibits Itself

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“In paths untrodden,” as Walt Whitman marvelously put it. “Escaped from the life that exhibits itself . . .” Oh, that’s a plague, the life that exhibits itself, a real plague! There comes a time when every ridiculous son of Adam wishes to arise before the rest, with all his quirks and twitches and tics, all the glory of his self-adored ugliness, his grinning teeth, his sharp nose, his madly twisted reason, saying to the rest — in an overflow of narcissism which he interprets as benevolence — “I am here to witness. I am come to be your exemplar.” Poor dizzy spook! — Saul Bellow, Herzog Read more →

Well, there is a piece of famous advice, grand advice even if it is German, to forget what you can’t bear. — Saul Bellow, Herzog

What You Don’t See

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When you watch someone perform, you’re seeing them at the top of their game. When they score the winning point or sell their company for millions — you’re seeing them in their moment of glory. What you don’t see is the thousands of hours of preparation. You don’t see the self doubt, the lost sleep, the lonely nights spent working. You don’t see the moment they started. The moment they were just like you, wondering how they could ever be good. — Karen Cheng www.youtube.com/watch?v=daC2EPUh22w Read more →

If sin and folly get punished appropriately, we’re in for a bad time. — Charlie Munger

Comedy Pug

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Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I never have any leftovers when I eat but if I did, I would ask for a doggie bag. WHAAAAA–?! Thanks, I’ll be here all week! — Lightning Read more →

Animal Cruelty

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Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I’m so mad! The guy behind us in the Starbucks drive-thru lane is taking pictures of himself and his dog but he’s not SHOWING the pictures to the dog! YOU HAVE TO SHOW THE PICTURES TO THE DOG! GRRRRRRR! — Lightning Read more →

A Tradeoff

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If female employment rates matched male rates in the U.S., the GDP would rise by 5%. This stat & more: http://t.co/XsBVJW1xtE — Harvard Biz Review (@HarvardBiz) August 25, 2013 Okay . . . but who would be raising our kids? Or is that not important? Read more →

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