Author Archive: Paul Epps

Pat Haden

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Patrick C. Haden, acclaimed civic and business leader and USC alumnus, will become new athletic director effective August 3, 2010. — USCTrojans.com Pat Haden — athlete, scholar, businessman. He’s a lot like me, except for the athlete part. “You’re not a businessman,” my son says. “I’m kind of a businessman.” “No you’re not,” he says. “Okay. So Pat Haden’s a lot like me, except for being an athlete and a businessman.” Read more →

The Lord Moves in Mysterious Ways

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My eyes were severely burned by a toxic poison.Hospitalized Mon.Excruciating pain.Now home.Pray my sight loss is restored — Rick Warren (via Twitter) The Lord moves in mysterious ways, e.g., blinding a mega-pastor. Call me a skeptic, but if I were blind and in excruciating pain, I wouldn’t be sending Twitter updates. These guys like to exaggerate and call attention to themselves. Update: Doctors have determined that Warren was unable to see because he had his eyes closed. I’m not kidding. Read more →

So Long, Cheaters

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The Trojan Family honors and respects the USC sporting careers of those persons whose actions did not compromise their athletic program or the opportunities of future USC student-athletes. Accordingly, I have instructed the senior vice president for administration to remove athletic jerseys and murals displayed in recognition of O.J. Mayo and Reggie Bush by mid-August — before the incoming class of students moves on campus –from Heritage Hall, the Galen Center, and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. The university will also return Mr. Bush’s 2005 Heisman Trophy to the Heisman Trophy Trust in August. — USC President-elect Max Nikias Read more →

I’m Easily Annoyed

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I’m easily annoyed. My wife knows I’m easily annoyed and that one of the things that really annoys me is when people ask me to fix something that isn’t really broken. So when she asks me to fix a problem with her browser and I close it, reopen it and it works fine, she exclaims, “It’s scared of you honey! The King of IT! It sees you coming and it’s afraid to not work!” That’s good talking. I couldn’t even get mad after that. P.S. I just thought of Mel Gibson for some reason. To clarify, I’m not easily annoyed like Mel Gibson. He’s off the charts, like a fire-breathing dragon. I’m more like “doesn’t suffer fools gladly, especially in his own house.” Read more →

EppsNet at the Movies: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

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My wife loved this movie. She says Audrey Hepburn is the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She loves “Moon River.” She wants to move to New York because it looks so wonderful. She gives the film five stars. “What’s your rating?” she asks me. I was going to deduct a star for George Peppard’s mediocre performance, but after hearing her rave review, I couldn’t do it. “I give it five stars too, honey,” I said. Read more →

A Dream

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Last night I dreamed that I was losing my mind. I was doing things that I knew were crazy but I couldn’t stop myself from doing them. “I’ve got to see a doctor,” I thought. “I can feel my sanity slipping away from me.” It was just a dream though . . . Read more →

Twitter: 2010-07-17

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RT @thesulk: God either doesn't exist or isn't following me on twitter cuz the results of my physical were fine. # RT @eddiepepitone: I'd like to meet God and say – 1) why are the assholes in charge? 2) who died and made you god. 3) why is SNL still on. # Read more →

Twitter: 2010-07-15

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RT @eddiepepitone: poor person- I think I am going to kill myself today. rich person- who am I going to kill today. # RT @capricecrane: They can't convict you if they can't hear you. That's why I only violently threaten my exes over an iPhone 4. # Read more →

The ESPYs Were Funny — 12 Years Ago

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Did you see the ESPYs tonight? Me neither, but Deadspin has a video of Norm McDonald’s monologue from the 1998 ESPYs. To give you an idea: I saw Jerry Jones backstage. He said, “We’ve got to get back to what made the Cowboys great. Strippers and crack.” The camera goes to Charles Woodson and McDonald congratulates him on winning the Heisman Trophy. First defensive player to win the Heisman. That’s something they can never take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and a waiter. Read more →

I Had a Terrible Day

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I had a terrible day. I don’t want to tell you why because I don’t want to upset you. If I tell you, it will upset you. Oh all right, I’ll tell you . . . I was driving to work this morning going south on Moulton Parkway when I saw a small animal in the lane ahead of me. I couldn’t tell what it was from a distance but as I got closer I could see that it was a turtle. His shell was about six inches in diameter, about the size of a large pancake or a mid-sized tortilla, and as I drove around him he was lifting his right front foot and getting ready to take a step in an east-to-west direction. Moulton is six lanes across at that point. The turtle had already miraculously crossed three-and-a-half of them but he seemed to me to be a… Read more →

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