Big gorilla at the LA zoo Snatched the glasses right off my face Took the keys to my BMW Left me here to take his place I wish the ape a lot of success I’m sorry my apartment’s a mess Most of all I’m sorry if I made you blue I’m betting the gorilla will too — Warren Zevon, “Gorilla, You’re a Desperado” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
This is Getting to be My Hottest Hot Button
https://t.co/eG1T1bl2pG — Paul Epps (@paulepps) May 13, 2026 A high school student named AB Hernandez won all three jumping events — high jump, long jump, triple jump — in the girls’ division at the CIF Southern Section track meet this weekend. None of the events was close. For example, Hernandez won the girls’ high jump with a mark of 5’8″, quite a bit better than the second place mark of 5’4″. Meanwhile, over in the boys division, the winner cleared 6’10”. Now if you’re a boy and you want to win the CIF Southern Section but you can only clear 5’8″, you’ve got a couple of options. You can train a lot harder or you can compete against girls. The fact that the second option is available is a source of wonder to me, and I don’t mean that in a good way, because it would seem to appeal only… Read more →
The Two-Parent Advantage
We have mountains of evidence that children from intact families do better on every conceivable success metric, so there’s no need to ask for people’s *opinion* on the matter. But the answers are pretty remarkable. The blue bars, in particular. On the left, we have 70 percent of college-educated liberals who either don’t know something that I thought everyone knew, or they know it but for some reason would prefer not to acknowledge it. Read more →
My Boyhood Sports Icons Are Dying: Garrett Anderson
Garrett Anderson wasn’t actually a boyhood sports icon. He was younger than I am. But I’ve always lived in Orange County and always been an Angels fan. My son and I were at Game 7 of the 2002 World Series and saw Anderson rip a bases-clearing 3-run double down the right field line to give the Angels a lead of 4-1, which would turn out to be the final score. The eventual game-winning hit in Game 7 of the 2002 World Series that gave the Angels their first and only World Series title Rest in Peace, Garret Anderson ?? pic.twitter.com/ZEwPiMQSon — Baseball Quotes (@BaseballQuotes1) April 17, 2026 Anderson played 15 seasons with the Angels and was the franchise leader in games played (2,013), hits (2,368), RBI (1,292), doubles (489), total bases (3,743), extra-base hits (796) and grand slams (eight). Cause of death has not been announced, which is usually not… Read more →
Honesty
My wife, who has an insurance agency, is telling me about a customer . . . “I want to get rid of him but I don’t know how to do it.” “Why don’t you try calling him and saying, ‘I want to get rid of you but I don’t know how to do it.’ See if he has any suggestions.” O_o (blank stare) “Sometimes honesty is the best policy.” Read more →
Never Give Up on Your Dreams
The Gifts Reserved for Age
Let me disclose the gifts reserved for age To set a crown upon your lifetime’s effort. First, the cold friction of expiring sense Without enchantment, offering no promise But bitter tastelessness of shadow fruit As body and soul begin to fall asunder. Second, the conscious impotence of rage At human folly, and the laceration Of laughter at what ceases to amuse. And last, the rending pain of re-enactment Of all that you have done, and been; the shame Of motives late revealed, and the awareness Of things ill done and done to others’ harm Which once you took for exercise of virtue. Then fools’ approval stings, and honour stains. — T.S. Eliot, “Little Gidding” Read more →
Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home: Homicidal Elephants
Homicidal Elephant Keeps Killing People In Tourist Hotspot, Official Says — dailycaller.com This happened in Thailand, in Khao Yai National Park. Since my wife is from Thailand, I ask her, “Have you heard of Khao Yai National Park?” “You don’t want to go there,” she says. “Dangerous. It’s full of animals.” “I just read that one of their elephants has killed three people.” “Don’t go there. It’s for daredevils.” Here you see the benefit of talking to the locals before taking a trip. If you just do your research online, you get this: “Khao Yai is no doubt the best national park in Thailand for regular visitors where it is relatively easy to see some impressive animals.” Granted, that site is intended to promote tourism so it omits any mention of the animals killing you. Read more →
An Incalculable Loss
These media layoffs have become pretty routine, to which I say “How long can you be on the wrong side of every story and not expect to suffer any consequences?” Read more →
What is the source of our first suffering? It lies in the fact that we hesitated to speak. . . . It was born in the moments when we accumulated silent things within us. — Bachelard, Water and Dreams
Suffering consists in being unable to reveal oneself and, when one happens to succeed in doing so, in having nothing more to say. — André Gide
One Sentence in Our Lifetime
Some languages are so constructed — English among them — that we each only really speak one sentence in our lifetime. That sentence begins with your first words, toddling around the kitchen, and ends with your last words right before you step into the limousine, or in a nursing home, the night-duty attendant vaguely on hand. Or, if you are blessed, they are heard by someone who knows you and loves you and will be sorry to hear the sentence end. — Mary Ruefle, Madness, Rack, and Honey Read more →
Pollock or Toddler?
On this date, January 28, in 1912, Jackson Pollock is born. My son recently texted me a couple of pictures (see below) and asked “Which one of these is our friends’ 15 month old daughter and which one is Pollock?” You can click the images to enlarge them if you think it will help you figure out the question. “That’s a tough one,” I texted back. “They’re both pretty bad.” It probably won’t surprise you to learn, after looking at his work, that Pollock suffered from severe mental health issues. He died in August 1956 at age 44 in an alcohol-related single-car collision. I wonder what the inside of the car looked like. Maybe it should have been preserved as his final contribution to abstract art. He also killed a passenger. Read more →
Song of Speaks-Fluently
To have to carry your own corn far– who likes it? To follow the black bear through the thicket– who likes it? To hunt without profit, to return weary without anything– who likes it? You have to carry your own corn far. You have to follow the black bear through the thicket. You have to hunt to no profit. If not, what will you tell the little ones? What will you speak of? For it is bad not to use the talk which God has sent us. I am Speaks-Fluently. Of all the groups of symbols, I am a symbol by myself. — Mary Ruefle, “Song of Speaks-Fluently” Read more →
Let the Disappointments Pass
IYKYK
What Size is Your T-Shirt?
I’m buying a T-shirt online as a gift . . . now you might say a T-shirt is a cheap-ass gift, but trust me, it’s a cool T-shirt. The point is, it’s available in multiple sizes: S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL, 4XL, 5XL. Only in America. I seem to remember a time when XXL was the largest size you could get. What must a person look like to need a 5XL T-shirt? YOU’RE EATING TOO MUCH FOOD! GO TO THE GYM! Read more →
The Pen and the Sword
Unpopular opinion: The pen is NOT mightier than the sword. Does anyone want to participate in an experiment? I’ll provide you with a pen. Read more →
My Boyhood Sports Icons Are Dying: Randy Jones
Randy Jones was a local guy . . . local to Orange County. He was born in Fullerton, went to high school in Brea, then pitched at Chapman College in Orange. As a pro, he was a good player on a terrible team. The San Diego Padres, in their first six years of existence (1969–1974), never won more than 63 games and finished each season in last place in the six-team NL West. They were just barely a major league team. Jones had two really good seasons for the Padres. In 1975, Jones was 20–12 and led the National League with a 2.24 ERA. He had 18 complete games in 36 starts, back when complete games were an actual thing, and became the first 20-game winner in Padres history. Jones was second in wins and WAR (wins above replacement) (7.5) among pitchers, only behind the great Tom Seaver (22 wins… Read more →
Don’t Try That Here
A Trip to the Oral Surgeon
I had a wisdom tooth taken out the other day. The oral surgeon, the first thing she said when she came in the surgery room was “Are those your real teeth in the front?” They are my real teeth so I said yes. “They’re not veneers?” “No.” “Do you drink coffee?” “No.” “Tea?” “No.” “Soda?” “I do drink a lot of sodas.” “Did you have them bleached?” “I did a number of years ago. Now I just throw some Crest whitening strips on there a couple times a year.” “You should be in a toothpaste commercial.” I don’t know if she was flirting with me. It’s been so long since anyone’s done that that I don’t know what it looks like anymore so I didn’t bring it up. “What are we doing today?” she asked, while looking over my X-rays. I think she already knew but I said “Taking out… Read more →