Author Archive: Paul Epps

Randy Jones

My Boyhood Sports Icons Are Dying: Randy Jones

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Randy Jones was a local guy . . . local to Orange County. He was born in Fullerton, went to high school in Brea, then pitched at Chapman College in Orange. As a pro, he was a good player on a terrible team. The San Diego Padres, in their first six years of existence (1969–1974), never won more than 63 games and finished each season in last place in the six-team NL West. They were just barely a major league team. Jones had two really good seasons for the Padres. In 1975, Jones was 20–12 and led the National League with a 2.24 ERA. He had 18 complete games in 36 starts, back when complete games were an actual thing, and became the first 20-game winner in Padres history. Jones was second in wins and WAR (wins above replacement) (7.5) among pitchers, only behind the great Tom Seaver (22 wins… Read more →

A Trip to the Oral Surgeon

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I had a wisdom tooth taken out the other day. The oral surgeon, the first thing she said when she came in the surgery room was “Are those your real teeth in the front?” They are my real teeth so I said yes. “They’re not veneers?” “No.” “Do you drink coffee?” “No.” “Tea?” “No.” “Soda?” “I do drink a lot of sodas.” “Did you have them bleached?” “I did a number of years ago. Now I just throw some Crest whitening strips on there a couple times a year.” “You should be in a toothpaste commercial.” I don’t know if she was flirting with me. It’s been so long since anyone’s done that that I don’t know what it looks like anymore so I didn’t bring it up. “What are we doing today?” she asked, while looking over my X-rays. I think she already knew but I said “Taking out… Read more →

You’re Never Too Old to Launch a Transnational Forgery Scheme

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German police announced yesterday that they had busted a transnational scheme to sell 20 forgeries of paintings by artists including Rembrandt and Pablo Picasso. Several suspected fakes were seized during coordinated raids across Germany, Switzerland, and Liechtenstein last week. Authorities allege that a 77-year-old German man led 10 accomplices in the scheme that priced the counterfeits between $465K and $150M. — aol.com I don’t know how to paint, unfortunately, but I do know how to use CSS DIVs. How much do you think I can get for this Starry Night forgery? Read more →

Questions and Concerns at the Dentist

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After my dental appointment, the hygienist asks me, “Do you have any questions or concerns?” I say, “Oh I’ve got a ton of questions and concerns.” Pause. “Did you mean about my teeth?” “Those are the only ones I can help you with.” “Well . . . no, nothing along those lines. Thanks for asking though!” Read more →

Ace Frehley, 1951-2025

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It used to be that whenever a musical legend died — David Bowie or Prince, for example — I’d post something online to say “And yet all the members of Rush are still alive? How is this fair?!” I regard Rush as the worst band in the history of music. Then Neil Peart died and I had to switch to “all the original members of KISS are still alive.” Now that Ace Frehley has died, I’m not sure how to proceed. Are all of the Bay City Rollers still alive? RIP Ace Frehley Read more →

The Great Chicago Fire

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On this date, Oct. 8, in 1871, the Great Chicago Fire started. The fire came under control on October 10, leaving an estimated 300 people dead, 100,000 others homeless and more than 17,000 structures destroyed. As major disasters go, a death toll of 300 is very low. Aren’t there about 300 people killed in Chicago every weekend now? Did you know? The same day the Great Chicago Fire began, a fire broke out in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, in which more than 1,000 people perished. The disaster (in Chicago, not Wisconsin) prompted an outbreak of looting and lawlessness. Some things never change. Martial law was declared on October 11, and lifted several weeks later. Also, Happy World Octopus Day to those who celebrate. Read more →

Career Lessons: Lesson #1

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Currently I do most of my work from home. Mid-afternoon, loud music started playing from somewhere nearby and I went to a window to see if I could locate the source. What I saw was an Amazon truck parked in front of a neighbor’s home and a car stopped in the street. The driver of the car, a young woman, was standing outside the car, and the truck driver was standing near the young woman. From the physical interaction, they seemed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t know why they happened to be in the same place at the same time, but I didn’t care about that. I cared about the music. I couldn’t tell if the music was coming from the car or the truck until I walked out there, and then it was obviously coming from the truck. “What are you doing?” I asked them. “People live… Read more →

A Home Run Ball is Loose in the Stands

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See videos below for what to do and what NOT to do when a home run ball is loose in the stands. This is how it's done pic.twitter.com/DV3fL41DnW — Boom? (@WeriBomb) September 6, 2025 Here is the full video of the situation in the outfield after Harrison Bader’s Home Run. ? @NBCSPhilly https://t.co/W5thuO6nhg pic.twitter.com/h9yJaPbcmX — Phillies Tailgate (@PhilsTailgate) September 6, 2025 Unless it’s some kind of record-setter like the Shohei Ohtani 50/50 record ball that sold for millions of dollars. Then it’s every mf-er for themselves. Read more →

Moms Miss Work to Care for Kids!

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It’s amazing that anyone alive still believes in work-life balance. I thought boomers already proved conclusively that it doesn’t exist. You can have days focused on work or you can have days focused on family. You can’t have both. My opinion is that parents should prioritize family. Kids like to grow up with a parent and moms like to spend time with their children. Of course everyone else can do what they want to, but please stop pretending to be shocked that work-life balance is not a real thing. Read more →

The Principle of Unequal Distribution

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I’ve always thought that wealth inequality should be called “wealth diversity” because then it sounds like a good thing. But seriously, folks, you’ve probably heard of the Pareto Principle, commonly known as the 80-20 rule. Vilfredo Pareto (1848-1923) noticed that in Italy in the early 20th century, about 20% of the population owned roughly 80% of the land, a skewed distribution that appears to be true for every society ever studied, regardless of governmental form. Pareto distributions arise naturally from systems where positive feedback loops exist—for instance, wealth begets more wealth. Or as Jesus said in Matthew 25:29: “To those who have everything, more will be given; from those who have nothing, everything will be taken.” The Principle of Unequal Distribution also applies, for example, to the population of cities (a very small number have almost all the people), the mass of heavenly bodies (a very small number hoard all… Read more →

Chimpanzee kissing woman

Choosy Maters

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Most men do not meet human female standards. According to stats from OKCupid, women rate 85 percent of men on dating sites below average in attractiveness. That’s a frost-brewed, cold, harsh dose of reality right there! But then they date them anyway, right? If not, there’d be a much higher percentage of people, male and female both, without partners. For example, I myself am not a top 15 percenter in attractiveness but I have managed to consensually propagate my genetic material to future generations. Of course, my intelligence and wit are off the charts so that helps, I think. Female humans are unlike female chimps, their closest animal counterpart, in this regard. Female chimps are not choosy maters. Read more →

Tolstoy

I Love a Good Insult

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I love a good insult . . . Tolstoy to Chekhov: “You know I can’t stand Shakespeare’s plays, but yours are worse.” Unfortunately, most of the insults I see directed at me and others online are just lowbrow name-calling. Can we all try to raise our insult game? Thank you for your attention to this matter. Read more →

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