The guy in the next cubicle is spending the afternoon looking at animal cams on the web. “Look at this whale cam,” he says. “It’s underwater!” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Red Shoes
I’m reminded of this line from the movie The Red Shoes: “Life rushes by, time rushes by, but the Red Shoes go on dancing forever.” All of that applies to me, except for the red shoes part. — Jonathan Ames Read more →
Last Request
There’s a company in Chicago that will make “a certified, high-quality diamond” from the carbon of your deceased loved one. “Send me the link to that,” my wife says. I don’t know if a web page is legally binding, but I am stating right here that I do not want to be crushed into a gemstone upon my demise. Read more →
A 12-Year-Old Emails the Pope
Did you know that the pope has an email address? I wonder if he has a blog too? If my son were to send a greeting to the Holy Father, I imagine it would look something this: $71!! $(4r3d 70 (h4!!3ng3 m3 w17h l337 4? w3!! 1 93$$ U j5$7 dun 907 17 1n y4 y0, unl1|{3 m3, wh0 h4$ 907 d4 m4d $|{1!!$ n3d4%, n371m3! U d5n 907 n0 $|{1!! y0, 5 4 $71ff, 4 w4nn4b3, 7h0. u (4n7 (0n741n m3 n3d4y, n0 r34$0n n0 w4y. 1 907 d4 p0w3r, 1m (0n73n7 1n my 4(710n$… 1 907 n0 7r0ubl3 1n $|{00L1n u 4nd n0 7r0ubL3 w17 fr4(710n$. 1f U ju$7 L1$73n 70 m3 4nd j5$7 4lr43dy 91v3 17 up… 1 d4 L337 m4$74 d00d, 1 d4 f47h4. 1m d4 b19 D099, u d4 PUP! lol, lmbo, rotfl, hahahahahaha!!! i rok… Read more →
French Engineering
From Ned Batchelder: Le Viaduc de Millau is the tallest bridge in the world, as measured to the top of the tallest pylon. Well, monsieur, we’ve got some tall bridges in America too! Leave it to the French, though, to build one over land . . . Read more →
The Jennings Boys
I’m dropping my son off at a UC Irvine sports camp. We drive past some construction workers and I heckle them through my rolled-up window so they can’t hear me. “Closest you guys ever got to a college campus, huh?” I say. “They’re probably high school dropouts like Peter Jennings. I hate to speak negatively about the recently deceased, but Peter Jennings was not that bright. He used to say that he learned something new every day, but that’s easy if you don’t know very much to begin with.” “Ken Jennings is smart,” my son chimes in. Read more →
Atkins Files Chapter 11
NEW YORK — The company started by the late nutrition guru Dr. Robert C. Atkins to promote a low-carb lifestyle has filed for bankruptcy court protection, a further sign of the waning popularity of the diet. — Low-Carb Pioneer Atkins Files Chapter 11 Yippee! Maybe common sense isn’t completely dead in America after all. Read more →
Happiness
In the early 1970s, when a friend and I were newly hatched social psychologists, we decided to write a book on happiness. The head of an eminent Boston publishing house took pity on us and, over lunch, explained the facts of life. ‘No one wants to read a book on happiness’, he said kindly. ‘Happy people don’t; why in the world would they want to? They are already happy. Unhappy people don’t want to, either. Why in the world would they want to read about happy people when they are feeling sullen and miserable? Moreover, it’s faintly embarrassing to be seen on a bus or park bench reading a book on happiness. It’s like being caught reading a book on paedophilia. A passer-by will question your motives.’ And so my friend and I went our separate ways; he to write a book on loneliness, and I, a book on anger.… Read more →
Driving the Plane
My son is listening to his iPod as we take off from Tampa, heading back to Orange County. We’ve been cautioned to turn off electronic devices during takeoff. Read more →
NARCh – Day 4
Semifinal – 1:35 P.M. vs. NW Rebels The NW Rebels are from Oregon. We saw them play a little bit in the round-robin games. They have one very talented kid, but hockey is a team game. Final score: Bulls 8, Rebels 0. Read more →
NARCh – Day 3
Game 4 – 9:00 A.M. vs. Mission Cooler Selects The Selects are from Georgia. They fall behind 2-0 on the first shift and go downhill from there. Final score: Bulls 8, Selects 0. Read more →
NARCh – Day 2
Game 3 – 9:00 A.M. vs. Extreme Wolfpack Extreme Wolfpack is from New Jersey, Like the Bulls, they are 2-0 so far in the tournament. Final score: Bulls 4, Wolfpack 1. Read more →
NARCh – Day 1
My son’s team, MPC Bulls Blue, is playing in the NARCh 12-and-under Squirt Silver division. Sixteen teams qualified in this division. Each team will play four round-robin games, after which the top eight teams will be seeded into the quarterfinals. Read more →
One Day to Rest
The hockey tournament starts tomorrow . . . the first game’s at 9 in the morning. We’ll need to be there by 8 to check in, so we’ll have to leave the hotel by 7:30. Read more →
Off to Florida
My son and I are off to Florida, land of hurricanes and shark attacks, where his team will compete in the North American Roller Hockey Championships. Read more →
Argumentation
My wife signed our 11-year-old boy up for a week-long class in argumentation — sort of a moot court thing, I think — at UC Irvine. The cost: $400. Read more →
Why a Jukebox?
Sometimes I get a song in my head and I have to walk around the house singing it: I love rock ‘n’ roll So put another dime in the jukebox, baby “Why a jukebox?” my kid asks. Read more →
Icarus
Icarus by Edward Field Icarus by Christine Hemp Landscape with the Fall of Icarus by William Carlos Williams Musee des Beaux Arts by W. H. Auden To a Friend Whose Work Has Come to Triumph by Anne Sexton Waiting for Icarus by Muriel Rukeyser Read more →
Summer Vacation
It’s the first morning of summer vacation and my boy is on the computer loading up his iPod . . . “And what might you be doing?” he says as I walk by. “Getting ready for work,” I say. “Oh yeah . . . work.” Read more →
Critics
I’m listening to some new music on my laptop, while my kid delivers a running critique . . . “Boring,” he says. “Lame.” “If you don’t like it, go somewhere else. Move along!” “Critics don’t ‘move along,’” he says. “Critics have to criticize.” Read more →