I paid my debt to society by reporting in for jury duty today. Jury duty is worse than losing a limb. In my experience, if you pick 12 Americans at random, you get nine good, clear-thinking citizens and three people who are like, “Well, anything’s possible.” For example, the last time I served on a jury, the case involved a defendant who was driving drunk and crashed a car with passengers into a tree. There were photos taken after the crash showing the defendant pinned behind the steering wheel of the car. His defense? He wasn’t the person driving the car. He didn’t testify himself but that was the defense presented by his attorney. And three of the jurors were like, “Yeah, that’s possible.” Hung jury. Today I survived three rounds of random juror calls in the morning and by lunchtime they started calling names of people to go… Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Acquisitive yuppies who, instead of holding their infant, wear the child in a harness on their chest, thus keeping their hands free for grabbing more stuff . . . Read more →
Mistaken Identity
I’m walking through the parking lot at Kohl’s when all of a sudden, the rear hatch on an SUV pops open next to me, even though there’s no one in or around the vehicle. Then I notice several cars further down is a similar-looking SUV and a woman with an armful of parcels trying to figure out why it won’t open. Read more →
EppsNet at the Movies: Baby Driver
The dialogue is awful and the characters are trite — the criminal mastermind in his secret lair, the beautiful but deadly femme fatale, the trigger-happy psychopath, etc. — but once they stop talking and the action kicks in, it’s terrific! Also: great soundtrack! Rating: Director: Cast: IMDb rating: ( votes) Read more →
The Victimized Media
In the age of Trump, it’s acceptable for reporters to claim they “never wanted to be part of the story,” while waiting in a green room to go on TV and talk about themselves. — Washington Examiner Read more →
A Couple of Questions About Commerce
Why are store receipts so damn big? I bought a couple of 3V batteries at Office Depot and got a receipt as long as my arm. (The receipt is shown upside down to discourage you from stealing my identity.) Why do chip readers have to honk at you when your transaction is approved? I get that they’re reminding me to remove my card but why not remind me via a pleasant jingle? Read more →
Our Town
And I can see the sun settin’ fast And just like they say nothing good ever lasts Well, go on now and kiss it goodbye but hold on to your lover ‘Cause your heart’s bound to die Go on now and say goodbye to our town, to our town Can’t you see the sun’s settin’ down on our town, on our town Goodnight Read more →
Privilege
There can be no grosser example of privilege than that set before us as an ideal by certain socialistic writers the ideal that . . . the man who is vicious, foolish, a drag on the whole community, who contributes less than his share to the common good, should take out what is not his, what he has not earned; that he shall rob his neighbor of what that neighbor has earned. This particular socialistic ideal would be to enthrone privilege in one of its grossest, crudest, most dishonest, most harmful and most unjust forms. — Theodore Roosevelt, 1908 Read more →
“I’m Not Pointing Any Fingers . . .”
. . . I say to the only other person who lives in my house, “but SOMEone plucked the toppings off the leftover pizza.” Read more →
Today Would Have Been a Good Day
I’ve always been tempted to short Abercrombie & Fitch stock based on the abysmal quality of people I see wearing their merchandise. Today would have been a good day to actually do it, as a deal to sell the company fell through (If you’re not familiar with stock charts, today’s activity is reflected in the vertical purple bar plummeting toward the bottom right of the chart.) Read more →
Sounds Like a Plan
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who say “What does this button do?” and immediately press the button without waiting for an answer . . . Read more →
Amber Alerts
I got an Amber Alert on my phone last night. The same Amber Alert is posted today on those lighted freeway billboards. How did we decide that child abduction is the one activity that merits a notification to the entire country? In this case, the woman in the photo, Kandice Johnson, stole a car at gunpoint with a 16-year-old boy in the back seat. I’m going to feel ridiculously bad if this ends poorly, but for a 16-year-old boy, being kidnapped by a femme fatale like Kandice Johnson is maybe not the worst way to spend a few hours of your life . . . Read more →
A Tolerance Dilemma
Malaysia, Indonesia Muslim groups call for Starbucks boycott — Chicago Tribune The problem is Starbucks’ support for LGBT rights. Sodomy is illegal in Malaysia and punishable by up to 20 years in prison. Homosexuality is not illegal in Indonesia but a case before the Constitutional Court is seeking to criminalize gay sex and sex outside of marriage. What do you do if you want to embrace both Group A and Group B but Group A wants to put Group B in prison for 20 years and hit them with sticks? Embed from Getty Images Read more →
Great Moments in Socialized Medicine: Charlie Gard
If I’m understanding this correctly, socialized medicine really does mean that the government decides if you will live or die, and if your children will be allowed to live or die. I’m glad to see that the current president of the United States is not on board with the idea of a government being able to decide on the life or death of a baby, and to deny the parents of the baby the ability to counter that decree. If we can help little #CharlieGard, as per our friends in the U.K. and the Pope, we would be delighted to do so. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 3, 2017 This is a good reminder — since there are people who think that “single payer,” i.e., socialized medicine, i.e., the government runs the healthcare system, would be a good thing to have in the United States — that the government,… Read more →
Eat a Bag of D*cks
I was informed today via email that a bag of gummy penises is a great way to tell friends, family, loved ones or enemies to eat a bag of dicks. An anonymous package is sent to your chosen recipient containing 2 things: A bag of delicious gummy candies and a note exclaiming “EAT A BAG OF DICKS.” You remain forever anonymous as you picture them wondering “Who sent this to me?” and “Are there more tasty gifts on the way?” What are you waiting for? Read more →
Signs of Trouble
When a headline starts with one of the following, rest assured there’s going to be trouble: “Bungee jumper . . .” “Florida woman . . .” “YouTube gun stunt . . .” Related link: How Much Paper Does It Take to Stop a .50-Cal Bullet? Read more →
Aside
This is how it is now. I’m in another chapter of my life.
They’re the Oppressors Now
The Washington Post has an update on Brian Talbert, a gay man denied entry to the Charlotte Pride Parade because he voted for Donald Trump: Talbert — a 47-year-old North Carolina native — said he was one of about 50 people who attended the first pride parade in Charlotte in 1994. He recalled that Christian demonstrators threw rocks and bottles at the marchers and that someone spit in his face. More than two decades later, he said, the discrimination continues — but this time it’s being directed at him by the gay community. Talbert said he feels betrayed because it shouldn’t matter who you vote for. “I want them to realize that they’re doing the exact same thing they say bigoted people are doing to them — they’re the oppressors now,” he said. “It’s disgusting, and every gay person in America should feel ashamed.” Read more →
Radical New Theory
Radical new theory proposes judging people on how they behave, rather than what they say their identity is. pic.twitter.com/XDsd79ix1R — Satiria (@SatiriaNews) June 8, 2017 Read more →