Dog Investors

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Hi Everybody — I saw this headline today on an Associated Press story: As a dog investor myself, I just wanted to assure you that I am not worried. In fact, I’m sleeping like a puppy . . . The key to investing is taking a long-term view of the market. Stocks are down? It’s a buying opportunity! Among the stocks I’m currently recommending are PetSmart (PETM) – Woof woof! Volcom (VLCM), Under Armour (UA) – I see lots of young humans wearing these brands. BJ’s Restaurants (BJRI) – I’ve never been but my owner says it’s really good and always crowded! Sonic Corporation (SONC) – I love the commercials with the two people talking in the car! So funny! — Lightning Read more →

Free Advice

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At age 18, people care very much about what others think of them. By age 40, they learn not to worry what others think. By age 60, they figure out that no one was thinking about them in the first place. — Daniel Amen, M.D. I’ve messed up so many times because I was worried what other people would think of me. You’re perfect the way you are. The worst thing you can do is try to be what you think other people think you should be . . . Read more →

At the Lakers Game

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My son and I went to the Lakers game last night, a pre-season game against Utah . . . Pre-game As we were walking in, he pointed out an Asian girl with a spiky-haired Asian guy wearing an Olympics jersey and said, “That guy with the Olympic jersey pulled a hotter Asian woman than you.” The girl was hotter than my wife is now, but not hotter than she was at that age. “You don’t know anything,” I said. “Mom was pretty hot.” “Yeah. Right.” Game Pretty good game! The starters played more than I thought they would. Andrew Bynum is back. He looked good! Jerry Buss was there. He looked terrible. Thirty minutes before the game, a guy rolled him out in a wheelchair to the end of the court. It took him several minutes to hobble from there to his courtside seat. My son said he had a… Read more →

Good News, Bad News

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First the bad news: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THERE’S NOTHING BUT BAD NEWS! THE HOUSING MARKET HAS COLLAPSED! GLOBAL MARKETS ARE IMPLODING! EVERYTHING IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL! THE FALCON CANNOT HEAR THE FALCONER! THE CEREMONY OF INNOCENCE IS DROWNED! THE BEST LACK ALL CONVICTION WHILE THE WORST ARE FULL OF PASSIONATE INTENSITY! EVERYBODY PANIC! OK, now the good news: Hmmm . . . well . . . as long as I have a job, I can make enough to live on . . . I think . . . Read more →

Epigram

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On love, on grief, on every human thing, Time sprinkles Lethe’s water with his wing. — Walter Savage Landor [Lethe is the river of forgetfulness. — Ed.] Read more →

Raising the Confident Child

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I know a guy — let’s call him Goofus . . . Goofus is dumb. I don’t mean that in a colloquial way. I don’t mean that he’s uneducated. I mean he clearly has a subnormal level of intelligence. The most striking thing about him though is that he’s completely unaware of his own limitations. I’ve never heard him utter anything but platitudes and nonsense but in his mind, he’s the most interesting man in the world. So many kids by the age of 12 or so have had their confidence in their own abilities extinguished by parents and teachers, that I really have to give Goofus’s parents a lot of credit. I’m not kidding. They raised a supremely confident idiot. Read more →

Breast Awareness Month

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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month . . . Were you aware of that? Not to make light of breast cancer, but what a waste of a month. I mean, who is not aware of breast cancer? Being unaware of breast cancer is like being unaware of breasts. Hmmmm . . . How about this: Breast Awareness Month! More of a fun, celebratory thing instead of the whole downer vibe around cancer . . . Read more →

Homework Follies

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My son just came downstairs for a visit . . . “‘What’s due tomorrow?’” he says in his Dopey Dad voice. Then back in his normal voice: “Math and Spanish. (Dopey Dad voice) ‘Are they done yet?’ (Normal voice) Spanish is done. I still have a little bit of math. (Dopey Dad voice) ‘Do you need me to check anything?’ (Normal voice) No.” Now he’s waiting for a reaction from me, which he’s not going to get. “I just did your job for you,” he says. “Thanks!” Read more →

Wolves

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I read this morning that gay wolves have been put on the endangered species list. Well, of course they’re endangered. They’re gay! Wait, what — gray wolves? Gray wolves are endangered? I myself am a descendant of the gray wolf. I’m very sad to hear this. I need to lie down for a while . . . — Lightning Read more →

Mommy’s Water

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Roller hockey season is starting up again . . . I don’t know why but I was thinking about one of the moms from last year’s team — she brought bottles of water to the tournaments, some filled with actual water for her kid, and some filled with vodka for herself. To the untrained eye, they looked identical. I think she may have filled the vodka bottles to a little less than capacity so she could tell them apart. More than once I heard her saying, “Not that one, honey. That’s Mommy’s water.” Read more →

Getting Behind

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Something this morning reminded me of one of my old calculus teachers . . . He had a signature “joke” that he’d make whenever he or someone in the class mentioned being behind on something: “I don’t mind getting a little behind once in a while.” DOUBLE MEANING! GET IT? No one ever laughed. There were always just a few seconds of ghastly silence. Man, that guy was creepy . . . Read more →

To Kill a Mockingbird

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I took my son to the bookstore to buy To Kill a Mockingbird for his English class. They had two paperback editions available — one with a fancy binding for $15.95 and another one for three dollars less. I pulled the cheaper one off the shelf and my son asked, “Why are we getting that one?” I said, “Because it’s three dollars less for the same book.” “I like the other cover better,” he said. “Gimme three dollars.” Read more →

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