See You in Hell, Carl Douglas

 
Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

“It put a smile on my face that finally [Donald Sterling] would be unable to deny the racist allegations against him,” said Carl Douglas, a lawyer who represented former Clippers general manager Elgin Baylor in a lawsuit against Sterling.

Carl Douglas is best known as a member of the O.J. Simpson defense team. O.J. Simpson has done some regrettable things, like murdering a couple of white people, but at least he’s never made negative remarks about Magic Johnson photos on Instagram.

See you in Hell . . .

P.S. Carl Douglas the lawyer should not be confused with Carl Douglas the “Kung Fu Fighting” singer. Him, I like.

[youtube http://youtu.be/jhUkGIsKvn0]

The Potato Chips Are Not Optional

 

Lay's potato chips

A woman comes home from the grocery store with three bags of Lay’s Potato Chips . . .

“These were on sale,” she says. “You buy three bags and each bag is $1.53. You know how much one bag is usually? $4.50. It’s like buying one bag and getting two bags free.”

“How much would it cost if we bought no bags of potato chips?” someone asks.

“That’s not an option.”

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

 

I had a friendship with [Donald Sterling], so for him to then make these alleged comments about myself … there’s no place in our society for it. — Magic Johnson

There’s no place in our society for what? For people who say, “Don’t post pictures of Magic Johnson on Instagram”?

I say there’s no place in our society for affected morons who use intensive pronouns (“myself”) in place of personal pronouns (“me”).

Someone made a cutting remark about a friend behind their back? Absolutely shocking! If everyone knew what their friends say about them behind their back, civilized society would collapse.

Grow up, you simpleton . . .

British Healthcare Fact of the Day

 

In Britain, even though they’re already paying for the National Health Service, six million Brits — two-thirds of citizens earning more than $78,700 — now buy private health insurance. Meanwhile, more than 50,000 travel out of the U.K. annually, spending more than $250 million, to receive treatment more readily than they can at home.

— WSJ.com

I’m Done With the NBA

 

I’m choking to death on all the pious platitudes re Donald Sterling. I hope that TMZ will make a recurring feature out of providing glimpses into the private lives of NBA executives, coaches and players. The level of sanctimony amongst these juvenile moralizers will drop off a cliff.

To cite an obvious example: The Clippers are currently in a playoff series against the Golden State Warriors. The coach of the Warriors, Mark Jackson, describes himself as “an African-American man that’s a fan of the game of basketball and knows its history and knows what’s right and what’s wrong.” He goes on to encourage people to boycott Clippers games and says, “We cannot allow someone with these feelings to profit.”

Jackson is an ordained minister. He and his wife run the True Love Worship Center in Reseda, Ca.

Jackson was also, a couple of years ago, the victim of an extortion attempt involving dick pics he sent to a stripper with whom he was having an extramarital affair.

TMZ should do one of those man-on-the-street interviews and ask him, “Coach, you’re a religious man who knows what’s right and what’s wrong. Let me ask you . . . do you think a man who has extramarital affairs with strippers is the kind of man who should be allowed to profit as a member of the NBA family? Do you think a man like that has the moral stature to stand in judgment of the private lives of others? When someone’s private transgressions become public, should they just be able to say ‘Oops’ and move on?”

I just want to see all of these pretentious phonies laid low . . .

A Saddening Trip to the Vet

 

Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made.

— Edgar Allan Poe, “The Masque of the Red Death”
 

I’m picking up Lightning’s prescription at the vet . . . the new girl, Lauren, is at the desk.

I can hear a woman weeping loudly from back in the hospital area.

“That doesn’t sound good,” I say.

“A husky attacked her dog at the dog park,” Lauren says. “A little Yorkie. Broke its neck.”

“That’s awful.” I don’t even have the heart to ask her if she cut the pills on the lines.

Don’t Apologize

 

Joan Rivers Refuses To Apologize For Cleveland Kidnapping Victims Joke

Good for her! I’m tired of people’s phony apologies for doing or saying something they damn well meant to do or say.

In fact, not only did she not apologize, she added an additional zinger:

“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re okay. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'”

Pope John Paul II Just Killed a Guy

 

Man crushed by giant crucifix dedicated to Pope

A man has been crushed to death after a giant crucifix dedicated to Pope John Paul II collapsed, just days before a historic Papal canonisation in Rome.

The 30-metre-high (98ft) wooden and concrete cross fell during a ceremony in the Italian Alpine village of Cevo, near Brescia. Another man was taken to hospital.

The structure was dedicated to John Paul II on his visit to the region in 1998.

— ITV News

It’s clear to me that the Pope intended to kill this man. What’s the rule? Does this cancel out one of his life-saving miracles?

If you believe that a dead person can be the agent of unexplained happenings on Earth, then you’ve got to take the bad with the good. If the Pope gets credit for a miracle when a woman’s health improves after seeing his picture in a magazine, then he should take the rap when his crucifix falls over and kills someone.

pope-crucifix

It’s Not That Hard to Be a Saint in the City

 
Pope John Paul II
Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II is being canonized this weekend because of 667,302 prayers for divine intervention, he miraculously answered two, years after he was already dead.

What sort of evidence is required to certify that an earthly phenomenon was caused by a dead person?

William of Occam would have pointed out that there are simpler explanations for a sick person getting well, e.g.,

  • The disease responded to treatment.
  • The disease went into remission.
  • The patient was misdiagnosed and did not really have the disease in the first place.

I assure you that if 667,302 people with diagnosed medical ailments prayed to my dog, in at least two of those cases (and more likely, thousands), something unusual would happen.

Years ago, a lower GI series revealed that I had a golf ball-sized (4 cm) tumor in my colon. The doctor did a colonoscopy a few days later and the tumor was gone.

It’s a miracle! Unless something was wrong with the production or reading of the x-ray and the tumor was never there at all.

I didn’t say any prayers so no one will be getting a sainthood out of it. Or maybe I myself am a saint!

Update: This.

NYT Misrepresents California’s Affirmative Action Results

 

In reporting on yesterday’s Supreme Court decision to uphold a Michigan ban on the use of racial preferences in admissions to public universities, the New York Times looks at results in other states that have banned racial preferences.

Here’s what the Times says about my state, California, which voted to ban racial preferences in UC admissions in 1998:

Hispanic and black enrollment at the University of California, Berkeley, and the University of California, Los Angeles dropped sharply after voters approved a statewide ban on affirmative action. Those numbers have not recovered, even as the state’s Hispanic population has grown.

That is a misleading analysis for a couple of reasons:

One: Affirmative action was banned at all UC campuses, not just Berkeley and UCLA. Ignoring all the other campuses allows the Times to say that black and Hispanic enrollment “dropped sharply” when there was actually only a 2 percent decline in black and Hispanic enrollment in the University of California system as a whole.

Among other campuses, black and Hispanic enrollment was

* up 22 percent at UC Irvine
* up 18 percent at UC Santa Cruz
* up 65 percent at UC Riverside

There’s been a redistribution of black and Hispanic students, but not a sharp drop in enrollment.

Two: It doesn’t make sense to look at changes in enrollment without also looking at changes in graduation rates.

The number of black and Hispanic students graduating from UC schools

* in four years: up 55 percent
* in four years with a GPA of 3.5 or higher: up 63 percent
* with degrees in science, mathematics and engineering: up nearly 50 percent
* with doctoral degrees: up 20 percent

UCLA and (especially) Berkeley are elite universities. Black and Hispanic students who were admitted based on genetics rather than academic qualifications couldn’t compete at that level and had to drop out.

Who was helped? The dropouts? No. The qualified applicants who were passed over? No. It was a lose-lose scenario.

Now that students are admitted, regardless of race, to schools that they’re academically qualified to attend, graduation rates are much higher.

Always look askance at analysis of college admission policies in the absence of information on graduation rates.

Everything I Need to Know About Being a Successful Executive in the 1950s I Learned in Kindergarten

 
PS105 Ms Crank 1965 60s Brooklyn Public School
Photo by Anthony Catalano

In 1957, The New York Times [published] two lists of skills. One was drawn from a corporate personnel manual, the other from a kindergarten report card:

List A: Dependability; Stability; Imagination; Originality; Self-expression; Health and vitality; Ability to plan and control; Cooperation.

List B: Can be depended on; Contributes to the good work of others; Accepts and uses criticism; Thinks critically; Shows initiative; Plans work well; Physical resistance; Self-expression; Creative ability.

A successful executive in 1950s America, in short, was expected to have essentially the same skills as a well-behaved four-year-old. (B is the kindergarten list, by the way.)

— Matter

Miss Marple

 
Joan Hickson as Miss Marple

Really, I have no gifts — no gifts at all — except perhaps a certain knowledge of human nature. People, I find, are apt to be far too trustful. I’m afraid that I have a tendency always to believe the worst. Not a nice trait, but so often justified by subsequent events.

Gabriel García Márquez, 1927-2014

 
Gabriel García Márquez

Gabriel García Márquez, the influential, Nobel Prize-winning author of “One Hundred Years of Solitude” and “Love in the Time of Cholera,” has died, his family and officials said.

He was 87.

CNN reported the death of García Márquez with more or less equal weightiness as the following “top stories”:

I didn’t cherry-pick those stories, by the way. They were all listed as Top Stories on CNN.com.

CNN is a “serious” news outlet. García Márquez’s death was also reported in the “popular” media, amongst reality show updates, celebrity pregnancies and Kardashians.

Orwell wrote about a society in which books are banned. As it turns out, there’s no need to ban books because no one has any interest in reading one. We’re drowning in a sea of trivia.

RIP Gabriel García Márquez

EppsNet at the Movies: A Serious Man

 
A Serious Man

When the truth is found . . . to be lies. And all the hope . . . within you dies. What then?

Life is bleak. If you try to lead a good life, bad things happen. If you yield to temptation, worse things happen. Religion offers no more wisdom, insight or consolation than a Jefferson Airplane song.

P.S. I know the lyric should be “joy” and not “hope” but in the movie the rabbi says “hope.”

Rating: 4 stars

A Serious Man

Larry Gopnik, a Midwestern physics teacher, watches his life unravel over multiple sudden incidents. Despite seeking meaning and answers amidst his turmoils, he seems to keep sinking.

Director: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen
Cast: Michael Stuhlbarg Larry Gopnik, Richard Kind Uncle Arthur, Sari Lennick Judith Gopnik, Fred Melamed Sy Ableman

IMDb rating: 7.0 (160078 votes)

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

 

People who hijack the occasion of another person’s death to offer up long-winded tributes – to themselves:

“My fondest memory of the deceased is the time many years ago when he fixed me with his penetrating gaze and, in that intense manner of speaking he had that brooked no dissension, he told me how great I am. What an inspiring moment! Blah blah blah . . . me me me . . .”

Thank you, Professor Pompous.

Stuck in India - Humayun's Tomb