Aerogramme Writers’ Studio: Emily Dickinson Attends a Writing Workshop
I See a City That’s Coming Back
We are one nation. We are one people. We will rise and we will fall together. Anyone who doesn’t believe it should come here to Detroit. It’s like the commercial says: This is a city that’s been to heck and back. And while there are still a lot of challenges here, I see a city that’s coming back.
But I Didn’t Mean It
POTUS: “When the auto industry was on the brink of collapse and Gov. Romney said, ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt,' I said no.”
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) July 16, 2012
Voting is Overrated
In California back in 1979 I helped to get the Libertarian Party’s Presidential candidate, Ed Clark, on the ballot. Since then, I’ve had nothing to do with politics, which I’ve come to regard as unseemly. That others can be enthusiastic about this or that politician surprises me in the same way that it might surprise me to learn that there is such a thing as an official streptococcus fan club with a list of dues-paying members. And although I can’t claim never to have voted, I can at least say that I would hate to ever have to admit voting for any of the people I voted for. All things considered I’d much rather exercise what Herbert Spencer calls my "Right to Ignore the State."
Blacks Benefit Most from ‘Stand Your Ground’
African Americans benefit from Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” self-defense law at a rate far out of proportion to their presence in the state’s population, despite an assertion by Attorney General Eric Holder that repealing “Stand Your Ground” would help African Americans.
Black Floridians have made about a third of the state’s total “Stand Your Ground” claims in homicide cases, a rate nearly double the black percentage of Florida’s population. The majority of those claims have been successful, a success rate that exceeds that for Florida whites.
Here is Your Wakeup Call, America: Detroit Just Went Bankrupt
Detroit used to be known as “the Paris of the midwest” – a city of wide streets, imposing buildings, and home to the great US auto industry. In 1960, it had the highest per capita income in the nation. But decades of decline, racial tension and corruption have brought the motor city to its knees.
Highest per capita income in the nation! I did not know that.
Anyway, Detroit filed for bankruptcy last week with debts of more than $18 billion.
The city’s population has dropped from 2 million in 1950 to 700,000 today, as Detroiters have become fed up with decades of mismanagement and rising crime and poverty. Detroit’s murder rate is at a 40-year high, only a third of its ambulances are in working order, and nearly half its streetlights are broken.
Citizens wait 58 minutes for the police to respond to calls, compared to a national average of 11 minutes. There are 78,000 abandoned buildings . . .
Detroit (1701-2013). Don't cry for us, America. You're next.
— Michael Moore (@MMFlint) July 19, 2013
Michael Moore, like a stopped clock, is occasionally right. It’s funny he should say that though — “You’re next” — because he’s never been an advocate of fiscal responsibility or not spending lots and lots of money that you don’t actually have.
Maybe I’m misinterpreting but if what he’s saying is that America is on track for bankruptcy, then I couldn’t agree more.
British Humor
In order for this to have any chance of being funny, you need to know that in Britain, acetaminophen is called paracetamol . . .
Jane Lynch, Gay Divorcee
Jane Lynch and her wife of nearly three years, Lara Embry, are planning to divorce.
“Lara and I have decided to end our marriage. This has been a difficult decision for us as we care very deeply about one another. We ask for privacy as we deal with this family matter,” Lynch told ABC News in a statement.
This is a great time to be a divorce lawyer. Legalizing gay marriage means more marriages, which means more divorces.
Also, emotion equals money in divorce cases. More emotion means more money for lawyers, and gay people are very emotional.
In keeping with a stupid but time-honored custom, the couple announces the divorce, then asks for privacy, which they’d be more likely to get if they just skipped the announcement.
As Gently as You Can
Our skills are finally in demand.
If you mock us, Pan,
In whom we also believe, do it
As gently as you can.
Joyce Carol Oates Gets Slammed
EppsNet stands behind Joyce Carol Oates in this Twitstorm, in opposition to those who think that while raping women may be a bad thing, what’s really deplorable is freedom of thought and questioning theocracy. In solidarity, we publish a couple of previously unseen (because they’re terrible) photos of the two of us taken with Mark Twain in the Doe Library at UC Berkeley.
Homicidal Cab Drivers: Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home
Aside
Ted Rall: “1984” is Here. Yawn.
Things That Scare Other People’s Dogs Do Not Scare Our Dog
We went out to watch the city of Irvine fireworks show. Best use of our tax dollars since last year’s show!
As we drove back to the house, I said, “I hope the fireworks didn’t scare Lightning.”
He was asleep on his bed. He’s not scared of anything.
Dilbert: Dating in 2018
EppsNet at the Movies: Mother
We rented Mother from Netflix. As I explained to my family before screening it, the movie’s about a crazy Asian woman and her devotion to her mentally challenged son.
“You can see why it resonated with me,” I said. “It’s like someone made a movie about our lives!”
“You are not a nice person,” my wife said. “Our boy is not crazy.”
“No, you’re crazy,” the boy corrected her. “I’m mentally challenged.”
That said, I enjoyed the movie, although it contains a lot of profanity, which I don’t like.
Mother
A mother desperately searches for the killer who framed her son for a girl's horrific murder.Director: Bong Joon Ho
Cast: Kim Hye-ja, Won Bin, Jin Goo
IMDb rating: 7.7 (81994 votes)
Aside
I’d rather be a friend in need than a palindrome.
James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]
James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words.
I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype.
Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check.
“He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up his check?
As George Burns used to say, “Good acting is when Walter Matthau says to me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘Fine.’ That’s good acting. If Walter Matthau asks me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘I think it fell on the floor,’ then that’s bad acting.”
George is in heaven now.
Gandolfini’s in Hell for a couple of reasons. He was married — not when he died, but a long time ago — to a woman named Marcy Wudarski. He divorced her in December 2002, after he got famous from being on the television. They had a young son together.
Listen up, big shots. And this goes for the ladies too. You wake up one day and realize that you’re famous and you’re married to a Polack from New Jersey. You took what you could get at the time but you could do a lot better now. (Gandolfini’s widow is an Asian ex-model.) Do you have kids? No? Fine! Do whatever you want!
But God likes for married couples with kids to stick together. He says that all the evidence points to kids with intact families doing a lot better in life. Yeah, I know you’re bored with your relationship but your kids aren’t bored with it so quit being selfish.
Reason number two: God gets angry when people pretend to kill and be killed for entertainment purposes. Heads up: A lot of folks are going to Hell over this one. Death is the main source of entertainment in the U.S. at this time. Death and karaoke shows. And God doesn’t like karaoke shows either.
Gandolfini is famous for being on a TV show that entertained people with violence and death. Who’s laughing now, fat boy?
See you in Hell . . .
Banning Racial Preferences in California Helped Everyone
When racial preferences were banned by the voters in California, there were dire predictions that this would mean the virtual disappearance of black and Hispanic students from the University of California system. What in fact happened was a 2% decline in their enrollment in the University of California system as a whole, but an increase in the number of black and Hispanic students graduating, including an increase of 55% in the number graduating in four years and an increase of 63% in the number graduating in four years with a grade point average of 3.5 or higher.
Instead of the predicted drastic decline in enrollment in the system as a whole, there was a drastic redistribution of black and Hispanic students within the University of California system. Their enrollment dropped at the two most elite campuses, Berkeley and UCLA — by 42% at the former and 33% at the latter. But their enrollment rose by 22% at the Irvine campus, 18% at the Santa Cruz campus, and 65% at the University of California at Riverside. After this redistribution, the number of black and Hispanic students who graduated with degrees in science, mathematics, and engineering “rose by nearly 50 percent,” according to Sander and Taylor. The number of doctorates earned by black and Hispanic students in the system rose by about 20%.
In short, the problems created by the mismatching brought on by affirmative action gave way to significant improvements in the academic performances of black and Hispanic students in the University of California system after those preferences were banned.
Aside
If something smells fishy, it might be a fish.
Boring a Lot of People For a Long Time
I’ve probably been boring a lot of people for a long time. Strange to find comfort in the idea. There have always been things I felt I must tell them, even if no one listened or understood.