Overheard
What Marilyn Monroe Said to Liz Taylor in Heaven
It’s important to die at the right time. As Nietzsche used to say, “One must discontinue being feasted upon when one tasteth best; that is known by those who want to be long loved.”
You were so beautiful in the 1950s . . .
R.I.P. Knut
It breaks my spirit to see a magnificent animal die in pain in front of all those people.
Folks, if you want to see a polar bear, go to the Arctic Circle. Animals aren’t happy in zoos.
I know you’re thinking, “But Lightning, you live in captivity and you’re happy.”
Even as a house pet, I have more freedom than a zoo animal. My owner takes me on frequent trips to the dog park, where I’m able to exercise my innate dominance of the canine kingdom.
I couldn’t live in an enclosure because I wouldn’t be able to be who I am.
— Lightning 
Cha Cha Cha
There Will Be No Additional Rules
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Serious People Don’t Ski
Five men, including three prominent Long Beach community and business leaders, were killed and one person seriously injured Wednesday when their Salt Lake City-bound plane crashed along a runway at Long Beach Airport and burst into flames.
The group of six were on their way to ski in Park City, Utah, friends said.
I think we’ve covered this before but there are certain key indicators in life that you are not a serious person and one of those indicators is that you take ski trips.
And it’s a key indicator squared if you’re a grown man and you take ski trips with other grown men.
Did Napoleon take ski vacations with his buddies? No, he didn’t.
Did Winston Churchill take ski vacations?
Did Einstein take ski vacations?
Did Jesus take ski vacations?
So on the bright side, it’s not like promising lives have been cut short here . . .
Shelvin
Did You Know? Shelvin Mack has brothers named Floorin, Roofin and Drywall.
Shelvin and Nasir
Regarding bonehead fouls in the last two seconds of the Pittsburgh-Butler game, I don’t look for guys named Shelvin or Nasir to make heady decisions in the clutch . . .
Meeting Ron Artest
My kid and a few of his high school friends are on their way to see Ron Artest at Living Spaces in Irvine. He’s doing a meet and greet from 3:00 to 5:00.
What kind of advertising is that? Those kids don’t have money to buy furniture.
What Is Government?
To be GOVERNED is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be GOVERNED is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be placed under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonored. That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality.
Patience
Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith.
EppsNet at the Movies: Out of the Past
Kathie Moffat: Oh, Jeff, I don’t want to die!
Jeff Bailey: Neither do I, baby, but if I have to, I’m gonna die last.
The absence of sentimentality is essential to the film noir.
Everyone was so young in this one: Robert Mitchum, Kirk Douglas. Great black-and-white cinematography and a classic final scene with the girl and the kid at the gas station.
Rating: Five stars (out of five)
How to Be a Genius
You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, “How did he do it? He must be a genius!”
Queueing Theory
Put four fat chicks in one car and you can slow the normally brisk pace of the McDonald’s drive-thru lane down to an absolute crawl . . .
Alpha Dogs Eat First
Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!
Dinner time is my favorite time of the day! Delicious food moves from the kitchen to the dining room table and if anyone turns their back on it for a second, I launch myself onto a chair and grab some.
Tonight I got a tasty chunk of salmon!
“Lightning is a bad dog,” the boy says. “Joseph’s dog never tries to eat their food.”
“Lightning is an alpha dog,” my owner says, “and alpha dogs eat first. Joseph’s dog is a pussy. He’s so far down the chain of dominance, there aren’t enough letters in the Greek alphabet to categorize him.”
— Lightning
A Couple of Schillers
A couple of Schillers resigned from NPR after one of them said (among other things):
Tea Party people aren’t just Islamaphobic, but really xenophobic, I mean basically they are, they believe in sort of white, middle-America gun-toting. I mean, it’s scary. They’re seriously racist, racist people.
Well really . . . I haven’t been this shocked since Claude Rains discovered gambling at Rick’s Cafe.
It shakes my belief system to the core to think that someone who works at NPR believes that Tea Party members are scary white gun-toting racists.
Although come to think of it, everyone I know who listens to NPR believes that Tea Party members are scary white gun-toting racists.
These guys really need to give up the federal funding. They could go full bore in promoting their mission and stop pretending to respect the common folk, who in turn would be relieved of the burden of paying for it.
P.S. If it’s real bigotry you’re looking for, film a liberal when he thinks no one but other liberals can hear him.
P.P.S. We had a bus driver in grade school named Mr. Schiller. Real angry German guy. Probably no relation.
Allergy Shots
My vet says I have to go on allergy shots! I’M AN ALPHA DOG NOT A CANINE PIN CUSHION!
GRRRRRRRR!
— Lightning
Overheard
Northwood Basketball Awards
Here are the awards from last night’s basketball banquet at the Tustin Ranch Golf Club.