The Situation Leaving ‘Jersey Shore’ In One Year?
Leaving a successful TV show to become a movie star sounds like a can’t-miss idea, as I was just saying this morning to my cleaning woman, Shelley Long.
Pet Peeve of the Day
People who pronounce “both” as “boaf.”
Groundhog Day
Who came up with the stupid idea to once a year ask a GROUNDHOG his opinion about the WEATHER?! You should ask a PUG his opinion about the weather.
I HAVE NO OPINION ABOUT WEATHER! PUGS ARE DOMINANT IN ALL WEATHER CONDITIONS!
— Lightning 
Overheard at El Cholo
The woman at the next table says to the waiter, “I’ll have the number 6 combo with the chile . . .”
She’s struggling with the next word, so the waiter says, “Relleno.”
“Right,” she says.
The waiter asks if she wants the regular chile or the spicy chile.
“Spicy,” she says.
I love Mexican food but chile rellenos are a little bit different. I’m not crazy about them. So I can see where he’s coming from when the husband asks her, “Are you sure you know what you’re ordering?”
“Number 6,” she says.
“I mean, do you know what a chile relleno is?”
“Yes.”
When the food comes, she asks the waiter, “What am I eating again?”
I’ve Got a New Password
I’ve had the same password at work for three years. This morning, a new policy forced me to change it.
What’s the over/under on how many days before I stop typing the old one by mistake?
Twitter: 2011-02-01
- RT @ChelseaVPeretti: When people say "it is what it is" we all learn so much via this insight #
- RT @eddiepepitone: if your life involves long discussions about flax seed than you need to take more risks. #
- RT @eddiepepitone: I always tell children that lunatic clowns will kill them in their sleep. I want to see the cut of their jib. #
Twitter: 2011-01-30
- RT @eddiepepitone: When shit hits fan here people will be quoting American Idol contestants for inspiration. #
Twitter: 2011-01-28
- RT @eddiepepitone: Ancient U.S.A. saying- When mall is open and food court busy, a calm comes over all the uneducated minds. #
Hamlet Backwards
This semester’s AP English final is on Beloved, a depressing novel enjoyed by no one.
“I need an 87 on the final to get an A in the class,” my boy says.
“That sounds manageable,” I say.
“Not really. I knew Hamlet backward and forward and on that test I got an 86.”
“What is Hamlet backward? It’s Telmah, right?”
The Elevated Scrub
For most of the season, my boy’s been one of the kids who only plays in the last few minutes of blowouts.
He’d like to play more but he’s never been on a basketball team before.
To me, the fact that he tried out at all is a win, making the team is icing on the cake, and whatever happens after that is up to him and the coach.
He told me he’s had some of his best practices lately, and in last night’s game, he got in for a few minutes in the third quarter and then played the whole fourth quarter.
“I’ve elevated myself from scrub to super scrub,” he said.
Warming Up is Horseshit
Warming up is the biggest bunch of horseshit I’ve ever heard in my life. Fifteen minutes to warm up! Does a lion warm up when he’s hungry? ‘Uh-oh, here comes an antelope. Better warm up.’ No! He just goes out and eats the sucker.
Twitter: 2011-01-26
- RT @yoyoha: Every woman has a tiny ball of hatred in her heart that is fed by the actions of everyone around them. #
- RT @capricecrane: Is there a “Your Kid Looks The Same As Yesterday” button on Facebook? #
- RT @yoyoha: I’m currently eating graham crackers in the shape of little bunnies. This can’t be helping my street cred. #
The Best Years of Your Life
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.
Twitter: 2011-01-24
- I once killed an Italian man in a duel after he accused me of not understanding Dante. #
Trying Out for Basketball
My boy tried out for varsity basketball at Northwood this year. He likes basketball, but he’s never played on a team before.
He plays roller hockey at a pretty high level, and if you break it down to fundamentals, basketball and hockey are pretty similar: you score goals at one end, defend the goal at the other end, and play together as a team.
He practiced a lot and worked out a lot and he made the squad.
I’m proud of him for trying out. When I was a high schooler, I could easily talk myself out of trying anything where I had a good chance of embarrassing myself in front of my peers.
Twitter: 2011-01-23
- RT @celebinrmonolog: 10-YEAR-OLD WILLOW SMITH: Yo, I've paid my dues! Now gimme my deserved stardom, bitches! #
- RT @theharryshearer: The voice of empire: “Get used to it, world. We’re not going to put up with nonsense.” Duane (Dewey) Clarridge. #
A Good Breakfast
Every morning when my owner lets me out of my enclosure, I run down the hall and make a sharp left into the family room because that’s where my food bowl lives.
And every morning, because the family room has a hardwood floor, my legs slide out from underneath me like a cartoon character.
Maybe I should just walk down the hall instead of running but I can’t help it! I’m always just so excited to start the day with a good breakfast!
— Lightning
Count No Man Happy
People of Thebes, my countrymen, look on Oedipus.
He solved the famous riddle with his brilliance,
He rose to power, a man beyond all power.
Who could behold his greatness without envy?
Now what a black sea of terror has overwhelmed him.
Now as we keep our watch and wait the final day,
Count no man happy till he dies, free of pain at last.
Twitter: 2011-01-22
- RT @capricecrane: To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world. And to everyone else, you're just some asshole. #
- Pet peeve: People who pronounce -th as -f, as in "toof" or "boof" #
Twitter: 2011-01-21
- RT @alaindebotton: It's always the scariest people who parade their kids around us to persuade us of their (elusive) humanity. #