Did you see the ESPYs tonight? Me neither, but Deadspin has a video of Norm McDonald’s monologue from the 1998 ESPYs.
To give you an idea:
I saw Jerry Jones backstage. He said, “We’ve got to get back to what made the Cowboys great. Strippers and crack.”
The camera goes to Charles Woodson and McDonald congratulates him on winning the Heisman Trophy.
First defensive player to win the Heisman. That’s something they can never take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and a waiter.
I had a terrible day. I don’t want to tell you why because I don’t want to upset you. If I tell you, it will upset you.
Oh all right, I’ll tell you . . .
I was driving to work this morning going south on Moulton Parkway when I saw a small animal in the lane ahead of me. I couldn’t tell what it was from a distance but as I got closer I could see that it was a turtle.
His shell was about six inches in diameter, about the size of a large pancake or a mid-sized tortilla, and as I drove around him he was lifting his right front foot and getting ready to take a step in an east-to-west direction.
Moulton is six lanes across at that point. The turtle had already miraculously crossed three-and-a-half of them but he seemed to me to be a hopeless underdog against the morning commuter traffic and I resolved that if possible I would save his life by getting him out of the street.
I drove to the next intersection — no U-turn allowed, so I turned right, made a U-turn back to the intersection and waited for the left turn signal.
It was a long signal.
As I waited, I thought about what I would do with the turtle if I could get him out of the road. Setting him on the sidewalk didn’t seem to make much sense. He might walk right back into the street.
I could take him to a nice pond but what if he had family living near Moulton? He would miss his family and they would never know what happened to him.
Should I turn him over to the county Animal Control Service?
The signal changed and as you’ve probably guessed, I never had to make the decision.
The turtle had made it across five-and-a-half lanes. The good news is that he was crushed cleanly, which is a better death than, say, dying slowly in an oil spill.
Like Tony Soprano, he never knew what hit him, just an ecstatic soundless expansion of a pinpoint of light in the dark center of his turtle being.
I wish I’d been able to save him. I hope he’s in turtle heaven.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
The question is, No. 1, ‘Are we on the right track?’ The answer is yes.
Simply encouraging “idea-consciousness” can have a profound impact. For a group to realize they are working with too few ideas is a tremendous step.
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Raising intelligent, loving, sturdy children! Protecting some good woman! Dignity! Health! Love! Industry! Intelligence! Trust! Decency! High Spirits! Compassion! What the hell do I care about sensational sex?
In keeping with the World Cup theme, we rented Bend it Like Beckham last weekend.
My wife liked it a lot. I liked it too, although I thought the subplot with the soccer coach was baloney.
My favorite song, “Nessun Dorma,” is featured in a key scene.
Two thumbs up!
Pugs are not afraid to go toe to toe with any other animal, regardless of size.
Case in point: Here’s a pug staring down an enormous cow.
Wait, what? Cows are harmless?
Well, the pug had no way of knowing that . . .
— Lightning 
From Toy Story 2:
If Congress doesn’t change the law soon–and many experts think it won’t–the estate tax will come roaring back in 2011.
On a $5 million estate, the tax consequence of dying a minute after midnight on Jan. 1, 2011 rather than two minutes earlier could be more than $2 million; on a $15 million estate, the difference could be about $8 million.
THANK GOD I DON’T HAVE 5 MILLION DOLLARS! I’d be sleeping with my eyes open from now till New Years, lest I meet my demise at the business end of a pillow stuffed in my face by a greedy heir.
IT’S KILL OR BE KILLED NOW!
It’s not necessarily a “best practice” just because it’s the only practice you know . . .
Here’s some information that will ruin your day if not your entire life: Deborah Harry is 65 years old today! How is that possible?
