- Something I didn't know: Leave Sydney at 10 a.m., arrive at LAX at 6 a.m. — on the same day! It's like going back in time! #
To Fly is the Opposite of Traveling
To fly is the opposite of traveling: you cross a gap in space, you vanish into the void, you accept not being in any place for a duration that is itself a kind of void in time; then you reappear, in a place and in a moment with no relation to the where and when in which you vanished.
Painting the Kitchen
Three years ago, my wife had the kitchen painted a light green. I just got home from a week in Toronto to find it returned to the original color.
“Why would we pay to have the kitchen painted green,” I ask, “and then pay again to have it painted back to the original color?”
“I don’t like green anymore,” she says.
Fat Guys on Planes
Make them pay for two seats. If they’re in a middle seat, make them pay for three seats.
Then let other passengers have those seats for free if they want them, keeping in mind that the fat guy is going to spill over into your seat, invading your personal space, pinning you in awkward positions and stabbing you with his bristling arm hair.
He may even listen to music on his iPod and do a little fat man dance in his — and your — seat, wobbling around like fat hairy jello.
But you’re flying for free! You still want it?
Going Back in Time
Here’s something I didn’t know: If you fly straight from Sydney to Los Angeles, you arrive before you left!
I’m looking at an itinerary here . . . leaving Sydney at 10 a.m., arriving at LAX at 6 a.m. — on the same day! It’s like going back in time!
My Son Says He Needs a New Watch
As we’re passing a watch shop in the Buffalo airport, my son, age 15, says, “That reminds me — I need a new watch.”
I say, “Why do you need a new watch? When we were getting my watch, you told me you already had a cool watch.”
“When was that?”
“I don’t remember but it wasn’t that long ago.”
“I didn’t say my watch was cool,” he says. “I just said your watch was lame.”
Anatomy is Destiny
My wife’s explaining to our boy how she managed to pass a driving test and get a license without ever taking a driving lesson:
“I drove in Thailand and when I came over here I just took the test. I’m pretty charming. People like happy, smiling people. And when I was young, I was cute. The examiner just said, ‘okayokayokay.’ I hate to say it, but when you’re good looking, you get the benefit.”
Eating Buffalo Wings in Buffalo
Our flight out of Buffalo was delayed by gusty winds so we ducked into Anchor Bar at the airport for an order of buffalo wings. The Anchor Bar wings come with five sauce options: mild, medium, hot, spicy bar-b-que or suicidal.
I asked the waitress, “The ‘suicidal’ wings — who’s responsible if they result in my actual death?”
“Oh they’re not like that,” she said. “There’s other places in Buffalo that serve wings a lot hotter. Oh my gosh, if you actually died?”
“You could use that in your advertising: ‘A guy actually died eating these wings!'”
“I’ll keep the defibrillator handy.”
We gave the suicidal wings their day in court. We liked them. Like the waitress said, they actually weren’t as hot as the wings I’ve had at some other places, despite the small kernels of red and black pepper that are actually in the sauce and on the wings.
My pulse and respiration may have been slightly elevated but not to a life-threatening level . . .
Twitter: 2009-07-18
- RT @Lileks: If Hitchcock and Roger Corman ended up in Hell, I'll bet they're both forced to spend eternity watching each other's movies. #
Old School
I have to say, it has been nice to watch Griffey’s career unfold in an old-school, pre-PED way; instead of belting 57 homers at age 39, he’s barely hanging on to a job. It’s refreshing. It’s the human body doing what it’s supposed to do at that age: fail. Thanks for sucking, Ken Griffey Jr. And I mean that in a completely genuine way. I swear.
The Last Frontier
California’s fiscal crisis has left the US state without courts and some administration offices were ordered to close on Friday.
A predicted 24 billion dollar budget deficit over the next two years has forced Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to order massive cost-cutting measures.
There is no more new frontier
We have got to make it here
All the economic news from here in California is bad and unfortunately the cry heeded by our forbears — “Go West!” — is no longer an option . . .
The Pretenders
Aerosmith bassist Tom Hamilton has been forced to pull out of part of the band’s summer tour as he recovers from surgery, according to their website.
What kind of surgery? A hip replacement?
Earlier this summer, the band postponed seven shows after Steve Tyler, 61, injured his leg at a gig in June.
I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!
News flash, boys: You’re old. Do you have those motorized carts that old people ride around on?
If not, have your attendants push you out on stage in your wheelchairs and maybe nobody gets hurt . . .
Sighs and Shrugs
The United States is declining as a nation and a world power, with mostly sighs and shrugs to mark this seismic event. Astonishingly, some people do not appear to realize that the situation is all that serious.
Twitter: 2009-07-16
Where I’m Coming From
After a visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto, we stopped by a Subway where an Asian woman with a strange accent made our sandwiches.
“Have you been to the Hockey Hall of Fame up the street there?” I asked her.
No answer.
“It’s great!” I said. “We came all the way from California to see it.”
“I came from Buffalo,” she said.
“Really? Where’d you come from before Buffalo?” I asked.
“I saw Niagara Falls,” she said.
Downtown Toronto
Downtown Toronto looks pretty much like downtown anywhere else, but it is the first place I’ve ever seen a street performer playing a set of bagpipes . . .
Airline Safety
As we’re waiting for the plane to leave the gate, my son’s looking over the airline safety brochure, which shows multiple scenarios of people sliding to safety out of a downed plane — onto grass, into water, etc.
He says, “None of these things is going to work if the plane is going–” here he makes a plummeting motion with his hand, along with a plummeting sound effect.
“The plane is on the ground in those pictures,” I say. “You’re not supposed to slide out of the plane while it’s still in the air.”
“I know. I’m saying there’s no solution if the plane actually crashes.”
“That’s right. Do you want to get off?”
Canadians are Really Into Hockey
I already knew that, but one of the TV stations at the hotel seemed to be showing nothing but ball hockey — no skates, just guys running around with sticks trying to hit a ball into a net.
I asked a Canadian: “What’s up with all the ball hockey games on television?”
“It’s the playoffs!” he explained.
Welcome Home!
My owner and his boy are back! I am so happy!
My owner’s wife let me sleep on the bed while they were gone. Usually I sleep on my own bed downstairs. When someone says, “Lightning, go nite-nite,” I used to go and lie down on my bed. But now when someone says, “Go nite-nite,” I run upstairs to the bedroom. I’m a fast learner!
I sniffed my owner’s clothes when he was gone because it made it seem like he was close by. And I went into the boy’s room sometimes to see if he was back yet.
I’m going to be an extra good dog so they won’t go away any more . . .
— Lightning 
Force of Habit
Our hotel room in Canada had a king-size bed, which I slept on, and a pull-out sofa that my son slept on. The first night we were there, I picked out my side of the bed and went to sleep.
It wasn’t until the second night that it occurred to me: Hey I could sleep right in the middle of this bed if I want to! There’s nobody else in it!
“I still slept on my side of the bed when you were gone,” my wife said later.