I have now reigned about fifty years in victory and peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to be wanting for my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to fourteen. O man, place not thy confidence in this present world!
The Life of a Soybean
Here’s one of my colleagues in the break room, making a sandwich and pouring a small carton of something down the sink . . .
“What are you pouring out?” I ask.
“Soy milk,” she says. “I didn’t drink it soon enough. I’m wasting the life of a soybean.”
“Wow . . . when you put it that way, it sounds pretty upsetting.”
“It is!” she says. “I’m distraught! That’s why I’m eating.”
Twitter: 2009-07-05
- RT @sportsguy33: The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot as the English stare us down from the mound. Suck it, England! #
- RT @presentationzen: A pie chart of procrastination http://post.ly/16VO #
- When the only tool you have is a suicide bomb, every problem looks like a jihad — Best of the Web Today #
- What a match! Unbelievable… #
- Why didn't God send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp? http://bit.ly/EQtfE #
Mysterious Ways
We got this email from my son’s indoctrination camp (grammatical errors included):
It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have a confirmed case of the H1N1 virus . . .
We understand that there a considerable number of students and staff who became ill on the last day of camp or just after returning home. . . .
While getting people sick is not something we want and definitely not something we like, the riches of Christ being shared at camp far outweighs the risk of illness and that we’re praying for all those who are affected that they will be well soon.
God moves in mysterious ways. Like why didn’t He send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp?
And I don’t let the camp staff off the hook. Why didn’t they pray before the camp that no one would get swine flu instead of waiting till it was too late and praying for them to get well again?
“It was meant to be,” my wife says, although fortunately our own kid is not sick . . .
Twitter: 2009-07-04
- RT @diablocody: I ordered a bunch of Yankee Candles while drunk. Now the house smells of pie and remorse. #
- RT @darthvader: I love national holidays where blowing up a rebel stronghold can easily be considered a spectacular “finale.” #
- Weinerschnitzel: 2 chili dogs plus chili cheese fries for $3. Ain’t that America! #
- RT @diablocody: Ah, the patriotic “flag bikini.” There’s nothing like having a nation’s pride wadded up in your labia. #
- RT @ericmusselman: Abraham Lincoln: “I will prepare, and someday my chance will come.” #
Thomas Jefferson Wishes You a Happy Fourth
My fellow Americans —
Happy Independence Day to all of you!
Please take a few minutes on this day to look at a wonderful history lesson — about me! — by Maira Kalman, in which you’ll learn, among other things, that I actually wrote the Declaration of Independence!
Thanks,
Tom
I Had a Bad Dream
Hi Everybody –
I just had the worst nightmare! My owner took me to a country fair and I got lost and we couldn’t find each other!
It was so realistic! I’ve never been so sad and scared! But then I woke up and it was just a dream and so I was happy again!
— Lightning 
The Thin Man
“The doctor said I’m really skinny,” my son says. “I’m in the 75th percentile for weight but I’m in the 94th percentile for height.”
“That’s not a really big difference,” I say.
“She said I could be 6-foot-4 by the time I’m 20.”
“I’d like to be 6-foot-4.”
“I wouldn’t,” he says. “I’m going to stand out everywhere.”
“I’m 6 feet, maybe a little over, and I’m taller than most people, but if I was 6-foot-4, I’d be definitively taller than most people.”
“Exactly,” he says. “I’ll be a freak.”
“6-foot-4 isn’t a freak. Girls love tall guys.”
“I’ll be an outcast giant.”
Lost or Not Found
My son can’t find his cell phone . . .
“You should glue it to your hand,” I say, “since you lose it at least once a day.”
“No, I don’t,” he says.
“Once a week, then.”
“Okay, but I never lose it. I just can’t find it at the time I need it.”
Twitter: 2009-07-02
- RT @Lileks: There's not a man alive who's ever said "I have enough fireworks." #
Organic Organizing
A problem-solving leader’s entire orientation is toward creating an environment in which everyone can be solving problems, making decisions, and implementing those decisions, rather than personally solving problems, making decisions, and implementing those decisions.
Twitter: 2009-07-01
I Remember it Had a Yammy Aftertaste
Appearances Matter
When you’re reinventing yourself in a new career, first impressions are even more important because everyone secretly doubts that you have what it takes to be successful. Without waiting for you to explain why you’re qualified, people will make a snap judgment based on your appearance and demeanor. Do you look and sound like someone who does this job?
Pesto Pete
Leftovers from a catered lunch meeting found their way into the break room refrigerator.
I pull out a tin of pasta . . .
“Look,” I say to the woman watching me, “this one has my name right on it! ‘Pesto Pete,’ that’s what they call me.”
“That says ‘Pesto Penne,'” she says.
“Close enough!”
To Whom It May Concern
- “Obama Breaks Silence on Gaza, Voices ‘Deep Concern’ Over Civilian Deaths” — headline, Ha’aretz, Jan. 7
- “Obama Voices Concern About Freed Guantanamo Inmates” — headline, Reuters, Feb. 2
- “Obama Voices Concern About Pakistan” — headline, New York Times, April 30
- “Obama Expresses Concern for Tissainayagam” — headline, TamilNet.com, May 2
- “Obama: Long-Term Joblessness a Concern” — headline, CNN.com, May 20
- “Obama Says North Korea Nuclear Test a ‘Grave Concern’ ” — headline, Reuters, May 25
- “Obama to ‘Voice Concerns’ in Egypt Speech” — headline, Hill, May 29
- “Obama Concerned at Sentence of Journalists in NKorea” — headline, Agence France-Presse, June 8
- “Obama Names Video Games as Health Concern in Speech to A.M.A.” — headline, GamePolitics.com, June 15
- “Obama Has ‘Deep Concerns’ About Iran’s Election” — headline, Newsweek Web site, June 16
- “Obama Concern About Oil Speculation Unchanged-W.House” — headline, Reuters, June 18
- “Obama Expresses Deep Concern Over Honduras Coup” — headline, Deutsche Presse Agentur, June 28
How Korean Markets Keep Prices Low
My wife’s in a great mood. She’s just back from grocery shopping at the local Korean market, where fresh produce is sold cheaply.
“Guess how much for these,” she says excitedly, holding up a package of eggs.
“How many are there?”
“Twenty.”
I haven’t bought eggs in years so I have no idea how much they cost. I’m thinking of guessing $1.99 but I don’t want to undershoot the real price and take all the fun out of it for her.
“Two ninety-nine,” I say.
“Ninety-nine cents!” She’s now holding up a small carton of fruit. “How much for these?” she asks.
“What are those?”
“Boysenberries.”
“Ninety-nine cents,” I say, since that was the right answer on the eggs.
“Thirty-three cents! How can they sell this stuff so cheap?”
“They sneak around local farms by night, stealing eggs and boysenberries. It’s the only possible explanation.”
Team Player
“Mom, can you drop me off at the park for basketball?”
“Not now, honey, I’m on a business call.”
“People are waiting for me! YOU’RE KILLING MY TEAM!”
Greatest Tweet Ever
I say to my ex: “How can you ask if he’s your kid? You can count backward from his birth to one of the two times in six years we had sex.”
Classification of Books You Haven’t Read
From Italo Calvino’s If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler:
- Books You Needn’t Read
- Books Made For Purposes Other Than Reading
- Books Read Before You Even Open Them Since They Belong To The Category Of Books Read Before Being Written
- Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered
- Books You Mean To Read But There Are Others You Must Read First
- Books Too Expensive Now And You’ll Wait Till They’re Remaindered
- Books ditto When They Come Out In Paperback
- Books You Can Borrow From Somebody
- Books That Everybody’s Read So It’s As If You Had Read Them, Too
- Books You’ve Been Planning To Read For Ages
- Books You’ve Been Hunting For Years Without Success
- Books Dealing With Something You’re Working On At The Moment
- Books You Want To Own So They’ll Be Handy Just In Case
- Books You Could Put Aside To Maybe Read This Summer
- Books You Need To Go With Other Books On Your Shelves
- Books That Fill You With Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified
- Books You’ve Always Pretended To Have Read And Now It’s Time To Sit Down And Really Read Them