A Business Model for Selling Crack

 

My wife loves to keep bags from the grocery store. Why does she love to keep bags from the grocery store? Your guess is as good as mine. Probably better if you haven’t been drinking tequila all afternoon like I have.

My son walks into the kitchen . . .

He says, “We’ve got enough bags here to open our own store.”

“Good idea!” I reply. “You know what we’re going to sell? All the crap laying around in your room.”

“For a second,” he says, “I thought you said ‘crack.'”

“Crack . . . hey, that’s a good idea too! Ordinarily, you want to buy crack, you’ve got to go hang out on a street corner in some undesirable location. We’ll bring upscale ambiance to the crack business. ‘Paper or plastic?’ Who would suspect you’re toting crack around in that Trader Joe’s bag?”

You Gotta Have Heart

 

My son’s going into 10th grade and he’s started to go out in boy-girl groups . . .

“Whoever he has for a girlfriend,” my wife says, “has to have a good heart. Has to be very giving. Because he’s an only child so he’s used to it being all about him.”

“Do you think you have a good heart?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“You don’t think you’re a little bit too aggressively angry pretty much every day?”

“That’s not about heart.”

“What is it?”

“You don’t think you’re a little too annoying? Same thing.”

Watching Olympic Women’s Weightlifting with a 10th Grader

 

“These women look worse than the Australian basketball team,” the boy says.

“Some of them would be cute,” I say, “if they lost about 150 pounds.”

An eHarmony commercial comes on . . .

We prescreen candidates for compatibility . . .

“Good,” the boy says, “because I don’t want to date any women weightlifters.”

Turn the Demands Around

 

Managers will often demand proof that questing for quality will have some measurable “return on investment.” That’s an easy one. Just agree to provide ROI numbers using the same system they currently use. No such system exists.

When a manager demands that you justify your efforts, simply ask her the same in reverse. How does she justify her current methods?

You Have to Explain Something to a Computer

 

When you’re doing programming, you have to explain something to a computer, which is dumb. When you’re writing a document for a human being to understand, the human being will look at it and nod his head and say, “Yeah, this makes sense.” But there are all kinds of ambiguities and vagueness that you don’t realize until you try to put it into a computer. Then all of a sudden, almost every five minutes as you’re writing the code, a question comes up that wasn’t addressed in the specification. “What if this combination occurs?” It just didn’t occur to the person writing the design specification. When you’re faced with doing the implementation, a person who has been delegated the job of working from a design would have to say, “Well, hmm, I don’t know what the designer meant by this.”

It’s so hard to do the design unless you’re faced with the low-level aspects of it, explaining it to a machine instead of to another person.

— Donald Knuth, Communications of the ACM 58, 8 (Aug. 2008)

The Most Famous Person I Ever Met

 

I was at Juice It Up again today and the same girl was at the register.

“That was Sugar Ray Leonard yesterday,” she said.

“How do you know,” I asked.

“He came back in later. I asked him, ‘Are you famous?’ and he said, ‘I was.’ I said, ‘Do you mind if I ask your name?’ and he said ‘Sugar Ray Leonard.'”

So Olympic gold medalist and American icon Sugar Ray Leonard is now officially the most famous person I ever “met” — even if college girls and suburban hausfraus have no idea who he is.

(I saw Rod Stewart having dinner once at the Hotel Bel-Air but he’s not even a real American . . .)

Brush With Greatness

 
Sugar Ray Leonard and his wife

You’ll never guess who I saw at the Juice It Up in Aliso Viejo: Sugar Ray Leonard, the famous boxer! He was in line in front of me with a couple of his kids.

I wasn’t sure it was him at first, so I discreetly asked the college-age girl at the register, “Was that somebody famous?”

“Who?” she asked.

“The guy in front of me. That was Sugar Ray Leonard, right?”

The name meant nothing to her, but another gentleman in the shop assured me that it was really him.

Interesting fact: Leonard’s wife, who was waiting outside the shop, is not very attractive. You might think that the great Sugar Ray Leonard’s wife would be much hotter than, say, my wife, but such is not the case. Not even close.

Is it possible that Roberto Duran had just caught a glimpse of Mrs. Leonard ringside when he uttered his famous no más?

Worst Book Ever Written?

 
Know Your Power by Nancy Pelosi

Apparently this is the worst book ever written . . .

I looked at the Amazon page for the book . . . out of 76 reviews, 70 give the book one star.

And they’re coming in so fast, you can actually refresh the page and watch the one-star reviews arrive in real time! Hang on a sec — ok, I just checked again . . . there are now nine more reviews posted — all one-star — so we’re up to 79 out of 85.

That’s even worse than the abysmal 9 percent approval rating currently enjoyed by the U.S. Congress.

Randy Pausch, 1960-2008

 

Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things.

— Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

If I could only give three words of advice, they would be, ‘Tell the truth.’ If I got three more words, I’d add, ‘All the time.’

— Ibid.

All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.

— Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”
 
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

Randy Pausch was lucky in that, thanks to the worldwide fame he achieved from his lecture and book, he died knowing that things he did and said would not be forgotten after he was gone.

Without the pancreatic cancer, he couldn’t have achieved that. Let’s face it, you can’t peddle the kind of pabulum cited above as “wisdom” in the absence of a terminal illness.

 

We own this book because my mom sent it to my son for his birthday. He hasn’t read it yet and probably won’t, but I read it.

I feel bad saying it, but it’s a tiresome collection of warmed-over platitudes. It’s like being cornered by your most annoying advice-giving relative at a family reunion.

 
Randy and Jai Pausch

Pausch was also lucky in being able to make an early departure from his famously self-absorbed wife, Jai (pronounced Jay), who didn’t want him to give the lecture in the first place because it would mean taking time away from her.

From a Wall Street Journal story last May:

A friend suggested to Jai that she keep a daily journal. She writes in there things that get on her nerves about Randy.

My wife would totally do that, but I bet there are some women would use the journal to record things they cherish about their terminally ill husbands.

“Randy didn’t put his plate in the dishwasher tonight,” she wrote one night. “He just left it there on the table and went to his computer.” She knew he was preoccupied, heading to the Internet to research medical treatments. Still, the dish bothered her. She wrote about it, felt better, and they didn’t need to argue over it.

Hey honey, just put the goddamn plate in the goddamn dishwasher, will ya? It’s part of living with other people. God knows what sort of minutiae this man would be having soul-crushing arguments about over the course of a normal lifespan.

I mean, I’m no saint, but I’ve put other people’s plates in dishwashers hundreds of times, and they were all in perfect health.

R.I.P., Randy Pausch.

 

I tell my son, “When you call grandma to thank her for the book, tell her you really liked the part about brick walls letting us prove how badly we want things.”