EppsNet

The Way to Write English

by Paul Epps on 1 Mar 2007

I notice that you use plain, simple English, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English–it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in.

— Mark Twain

Enron’s performance in 2000 was a success by any measure, as we continued to outdistance the competition and solidify our leadership in each of our major businesses. We have robust networks of strategic assets that we own or have contractual access to, which give us greater flexibility and speed to reliably deliver widespread logistical solutions. . . . We have metamorphosed from an asset-based pipeline and power generating company to a marketing and logistics company whose biggest assets are its well-established business approach and its innovative people.

— Enron Annual Report, 2000

Source: Why Business People Speak Like Idiots: A Bullfighter’s Guide by Brian Fugere, Chelsea Hardaway & Jon Warshawsky

Wives and Pugs

by Paul Epps on 1 Mar 2007

I read that pugs like the sound of their owner’s voice almost as much as they like food. That’s why it’s so important to talk to your pug.

“It’s important to talk to your wife too,” my wife says. “Pugs are easy to please. Pugs will always be there. Wives have a car and two feet.”

Life Imitates Art

by Paul Epps on 28 Feb 2007

He said he heard about a couple living in the USA
He said they traded in their baby for a Chevrolet

— Elvis Costello, “Less Than Zero”

PUEBLO — Three people were arrested on charges of swapping a 5-month-old boy for a downpayment on a used Dodge Intrepid and cash, police said Tuesday.

— Vail Daily

Competitively Compelling

by Paul Epps on 27 Feb 2007

Ken Schwaber on software quality:

I think what will happen is some places will really get it and will be so competitively compelling that others will have to rapidly change or go out of business. As an offset to that, consider that Ford has known for 40 years how Toyota builds cars.

We have a company directory, including photos, on the intranet, so when I do a project with people in a different office, I like to go to the directory and look at the photos to see who I’m dealing with.

Today I started working with some folks in the Roseville office.

“Where’s Roseville?” I asked anyone within earshot of my desk.

“You know where Sacramento is?” someone responds.

Do I know where Sacramento is? What a question! It’s the capital of the state I’ve lived in my entire life.

“Duh, no. Hang on, let me get a map.” Geez, if I want to be insulted, I can get that at home.

The reason I asked: After clicking on a few of the photos, the kindest thing I could think of to say was “Maybe people in Roseville don’t photograph particularly well.”

Stupid People and Their Stupid Dogs

by Hostile Witness on 25 Feb 2007

A guy brought a laser pointer to the dog park tonight so his retarded dog could chase the beam around like a nitwit.

He tried to get my dog to chase it, but the dog just looked back at him to see where the beam was coming from, which is the intelligent thing to do in that situation.

“The pug doesn’t see it,” the guy said.

“He sees it,” I explained, “but pugs are too smart to chase light beams.”

“What does being smart have to do with it?” Laser Guy asked.

“Would you run around the park chasing after a laser beam?” I asked. “You wouldn’t. You know why? Because it’s stupid. You can’t catch it. Chasing after a ball or a frisbee makes sense. I’ve done that myself. But running around after a light beam is just moronic.”

Santayana: “I Told You So”

by Paul Epps on 19 Feb 2007

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

— George Santayana

“Is that a fact?” she said. “Well–I’ve got news for Mr. Santayana: we’re doomed to repeat the past no matter what. That’s what it is to be alive. It’s pretty dense kids who haven’t figured that out by the time they’re ten.”

“Santayana was a famous philosopher at Harvard,” said Slazinger, a Harvard man.

And Mrs. Berman said, “Most kids can’t afford to go to Harvard to be misinformed.”

— Kurt Vonnegut, Bluebeard

I Think He Means Smart-Alecky in a Good Way

by Paul Epps on 18 Feb 2007

My son’s tennis teacher asks me where the boy gets his “smart-alecky” personality — from me or my wife?

“Well,” I say, “if by ‘smart-alecky’ you mean ‘funny,’ he gets it from me. If you mean ‘argues for the sake of arguing,’ he gets that from his mom.”

People I Thought Were Dead

by Hostile Witness on 17 Feb 2007

Rona Barrett – gossip columnist
Gene Barry – actor
Orson Bean – TV game show panelist
Van Cliburn – pianist
Richard Dawson – actor and game show host
Bo Diddley – musician
Patti Page – singer
Jean Stapleton – actress
Abigail Van Buren – advice columnist

Updates

Gene Barry – died 12/9/2009, age 90
Orson Bean – died 2/7/2020, age 91
Van Cliburn – died 2/27/2013, age 78
Richard Dawson – died 6/2/2012, age 79
Bo Diddley – died 6/2/2008, age 79
Patti Page – died 1/1/2013, age 85
Jean Stapleton – died 5/13/2013, age 90
Abigail Van Buren – died 1/16/2013, age 94

My Neighbor the Fisherman

by Paul Epps on 17 Feb 2007

My neighbor across the street is a very serious fisherman. He’s got, like, 15 fishing rods in a rack in his garage, one for every occasion.

Does he ever take any of his family members along on his fishing trips? No . . . on his list of priorities, they rank somewhere below fish.

I suspect his wife has a fish-head mask she puts on when she wants to get his attention . . .

Valentine’s Day Tips for Girls

by Paul Epps on 14 Feb 2007

Make your man feel capable . . .

Good: “You are so strong!” “You are so smart!”
Bad: “Are you sure you know where you’re going?”

These are just examples, but you get the idea . . .

Happy Valentine’s Day

by Paul Epps on 14 Feb 2007

We’re on a budget . . . maybe I’ll write my love a poem. Seriously though, some flowers for sure . . . I’ll take her for dinner if she wants to, but we really are trying to cut back on the spending a bit.

Reality vs. romance . . .

Train in the Distance

by Paul Epps on 11 Feb 2007

What is the point of this story?
What information pertains?
The thought that life could be better
Is woven indelibly
Into our hearts
And our brains.

— Paul Simon, “Train in the Distance”

Going to the Temple

by Paul Epps on 11 Feb 2007

My wife makes an occasional visit to one of the local Buddhist temples, and sometimes she “encourages” the rest of the family to join her.

“Thanks for coming along,” she says on the drive over.

“You made us come,” our son says from the back seat. Then after a pause, “But you’re welcome.”

Super Bowl Ads

by Paul Epps on 5 Feb 2007

Forgettable . . . although this Doritos ad was notable for the fact that it was made on a budget of $12.97.

As my son said after one particularly unmemorable spot (I can’t remember which one):

“They paid a trillion dollars to put that on my TV?”

Adventures in Driving

by Paul Epps on 3 Feb 2007

We’ve just had another of the near-death experiences so common when my wife gets behind the wheel of a car.

“Driving with you is a real adventure, honey,” I say.

“Not in a good way,” our son adds.

She wears multiple combinations of glasses and contact lenses, but her standard explanation — “I can’t see!” — is not as reassuring as she seems to think it is.

Some People Should Be Allowed to Work at Their Own Pace

by Paul Epps on 30 Jan 2007

Speaking of motivation, today’s Orange County Register has a story about a guy who really knows — or knew — how to light a fire under his employees.

According to the story, Woo Sung Park, a landscaping supervisor, told day laborer Ernesto Avalos that he, Avalos, was not pulling his weight on the job. The pep talk so energized Mr. Avalos that he beat Mr. Park to death with a shovel and a pickax.

This happened right here in Irvine! Tragically, one of my rich neighbors is now two men short on his beautification project . . .

The Can Do Manager

by Paul Epps on 29 Jan 2007

Staring your boss in the face and saying June 1 when you know that even a year from June would be optimistic sounds bad. It sounds like lying. But being a Can Do manager sounds good.

— Tom DeMarco, Slack

What Hockey Players Are Supposed to Smell Like

by Paul Epps on 28 Jan 2007

My wife is commenting on the smell of our son’s hockey bag. “You need to air that out sometimes,” she tells him.

“Hockey players aren’t supposed to smell like perfume,” he explains.

“What are they supposed to smell like?” I ask him.

“Sweat and toil,” he says. “Broken bones. And dried blood.”

Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller

by Paul Epps on 27 Jan 2007

Somehow the realization that nothing was to be hoped for had a salutary effect on me. For weeks and months, for years, in fact, all my life I had been looking forward to something happening, some extrinsic event that would alter my life, and now suddenly, inspired by the absolute hopelessness of everything I felt relieved, felt as though a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

Nothing that had happened to me thus far had been sufficient to destroy me; nothing had been destroyed except my illusions, I myself was intact. The world was intact.

If now and then we encounter pages that explode, pages that wound and sear, that wring groans and tears and curses, know that they come from a man with his back up, a man whose only defenses left are his words and his words are always stronger than the lying, crushing weight of the world, stronger than all the racks and wheels which the cowardly invent to crush out the miracle of personality.

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