. . . I was once the only kid at an Easter egg hunt who didn’t get a single egg, not because I couldn’t find them but because I couldn’t get to them fast enough.
Inspired Idiocy
It’s amazing how much havoc a person can wreak in the workplace by applying a certain kind of inspired idiocy to every situation: follow all procedures to the letter, do exactly what you’re told, and respond to all questions exactly as asked. One-word answers are ideal.
The latter technique is especially effective via email.
Thus spoke The Programmer.
One Never Knows
A former neighbor of ours, a man about my age with two young children, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. His doctor says he has a year to live.
A friend of mine from grad school died recently of stomach cancer, age 38. He too was married with two young daughters.
One never knows when the blow may fall . . .
Clinton on Iraq
After 9/11, let’s be fair here, if you had been President, you’d think, Well, this fellow bin Laden just turned these three airplanes full of fuel into weapons of mass destruction, right? Arguably they were super-powerful chemical weapons. Think about it that way. So, you’re sitting there as President, you’re reeling in the aftermath of this, so, yeah, you want to go get bin Laden and do Afghanistan and all that. But you also have to say, Well, my first responsibility now is to try everything possible to make sure that this terrorist network and other terrorist networks cannot reach chemical and biological weapons or small amounts of fissile material. I’ve got to do that.
This Just In
I’m listening to a radio ad in which a man purporting to be a medical doctor is pitching an herbal rejuvenator:
Call now and I’ll send you my free report on aging and its effect on energy and sex drive!
Let me guess: they go down . . .
Two Short Arguments For Affirmative Action
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it . . .
High-Visibility Management
A friend of mine asked me the other day, “Do you think an organization really values a good manager?”
He asked me that because he’s moving from a position as lead developer on a high-visibility system (lots of job security) to a position managing the developers of that system.
And I had to say that in general, I think the answer is no, which is why you see managers generating a lot of useless paperwork to make their work visible: project plans, Gantt charts, spreadsheets, flowcharts . . .
Does this help? I haven’t found that it does, but it does provide an illusion of control and an acceptable way of failing: the manager can point to all the paperwork and say, “Well, I followed the accepted process right down the line, so the fact that we failed can’t be my fault!”
An analogy
Our local basketball team is coached by a guy named Phil Jackson. He’s not nearly as animated as most coaches . . . he spends most of each game sitting quietly in his chair on the sidelines, even when things seem to be falling apart for the team.
When things aren’t going well, he gets a lot of criticism for this:
They lost the game and he didn’t do anything!
I think this is why most coaches spend the whole game jumping up and down, yelling, tearing their hair out . . . they want to be seen as having done something.
Even if the team loses, people say, “Boy, he really coached his ass off.”
A second analogy
I grew up in Southern California during the years that John Wooden was coaching the UCLA basketball team. Like Phil Jackson, Wooden was distinctly non-animated during games.
He sat on the sidelines holding a rolled-up program in his hand, rarely called time-outs . . . his teams won 10 national championships and he hardly even got out of his chair the whole time.
He believed that the real work was done behind the scenes — preparation, attention to detail. Bill Walton summed up Wooden’s coaching style like this:
Don’t confuse activity with achievement.
Summary
Managing a software project is not a process of managing dependencies . . . it’s more a process of managing uncertainty, complexity and change. That’s why the Gantt charts and flowcharts don’t help, but they do allow the manager to show that he did something.
A well-managed team should have a clear, common vision, a robust flow of ideas, a reputation for high-quality work . . . but it may not be obvious to an observer what role, if any, the manager had in developing these qualities, because a lot of what a good manager does is not visible . . .
Thus spoke The Programmer.
I Sit By The Window
A loyal subject of these second-rate years,
I proudly admit that my finest ideas
are second-rate, and may the future take them
as trophies of my struggle against suffocation.
I sit in the dark. And it would be hard to figure out
which is worse; the dark inside, or the darkness out.
Meet the Press
. . . I do think there was what amounted to a kind of conspiracy to get the U.S. into a war against Iraq, if we define the term as a secretive plot involving a group within the government but excluding many important officials, who bent events and information to their undeclared purpose. Although you’d have to say it was a barely undeclared purpose.
Is it really a secret conspiracy if it involves a congressional vote and 17 U.N. resolutions?
Obesity vs. Thought
I believe that. I run into a lot more fat people than thoughtful people . . .
People I Thought Were Dead
- James Arness – actor
- Doris Day – actress
- Yvonne DeCarlo – actress
- Lady Bird Johnson – U.S. first lady
- Art Linkletter – TV host
- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – spiritual guru
- Fess Parker – actor
- Paul Winchell – voice of Tigger
Updates
- James Arness – died 6/3/2011, age 88
- Doris Day – died 5/13/2019, age 97
- Yvonne DeCarlo – died 1/10/2007, age 84
- Lady Bird Johnson – died 7/11/2007, age 94
- Art Linkletter – died 5/26/2010, age 97
- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – died 2/5/2008, age 91
- Fess Parker – died 3/18/2010, age 85
- Paul Winchell – died 6/25/2005, age 82
Working Late
Sometimes when I’m working a little late, my boy calls me at the office . . .
Sex Tips for Girls
Things to Say Afterwards
“I really needed that!”
What I’m Reading
When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.
I’m reading a great, very funny book called A Confederacy of Dunces, written by John Kennedy Toole in 1963. Unfortunately, Toole could not find anyone willing to publish the book and subsequently killed himself in 1969 at the age of 31.
Lost and Found
We lost our dog the other morning. My wife thought the boy was watching him and he thought she was watching him . . . it turns out no one was watching him, so he ran out the front door and disappeared.
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
That Wegman guy who dresses up the Weimaraners . . .
I saw him on a TV commercial this morning. Enough already! Let’s move on!
Dressing up a Weimaraner once is kind of funny, but if you’re going to spend your whole life doing it, somebody really needs to kick your ass.
The same goes for Anne Geddes . . .
A Tradeoff
Do you want innovation?
What are you willing to give up in terms of efficiency, predictability and control?
Thus spoke The Programmer.
Abandoned
Abandoned buildings give me a weird feeling. Where are the people? Where’d they go?
Below and Above the Stars
Here’s one of the weirdest ideas I’ve heard today . . .
Cinespia is screening the film Detour at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery:
Bring blankets, picnic dinner and cocktails for this special screening below and above the stars.
What Would Jesus Download?
According to a survey commissioned by the Gospel Music Association, only 10 percent of born-again teens believe that copying CDs for friends and unauthorized music downloading are morally wrong . . .