My son is doing a 5th grade research paper on William Clark, of Lewis and Clark fame.
“Clark was a much better man than Lewis,” he says.
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
Lewis vs. Clark
Paradigm Shift
One of the 5th grade girls had a birthday party, to which a select few boys were invited.
A boy we’ll call Freddie — who was not invited, even though his best friend Eddie was invited — was overheard to say:
This is not right! If Eddie is invited, I have to be invited!
It seems like only yesterday — in fact, I think it was only yesterday — that none of these boys would be caught dead at a party hosted by a girl . . .
Small Consolations
Who possesses the wherewithal for labor or love without small consolations? Who can live?
How Annoying Am I?
“You know how annoying you are, Dad?”
“Not really . . . how annoying am I?”
“You’re off the flowchart.”
Off the flowchart?!
At the Cotillion
It’s the evening of the Irvine Cotillion for January, and my son is trying to figure something out . . .
Celebrity Interviews Send Me Into a Homicidal Rage
Every once in a while, my wife is flipping channels and on comes one of these celebrity interviews . . .
Today’s Text
But now isn’t simply now. Now is also a cold reminder: one whole day later than yesterday, one year later than last year. Every now is labeled with its date, rendering all past nows obsolete, until—later or sooner—perhaps—no, not perhaps—quite certainly: it will come.
Lessons From a New Dog Owner
A puppy with something to chew on is as happy as a kid with an Xbox.
And when you come right down to it, anything can be chewed on . . .
Happy puppy!
Happy New Year!
Today is Chinese New Year. Why the Chinese can’t celebrate the New Year on January 1st like everybody else, I don’t know . . .
According to my wife, Chinese New Year is celebrated by eating good food and avoiding unnecessary work.
I try to do that every day! I’m lovin’ it!
Let’s party!
Dogfood
NEW YORK (AP) — Olivia Goldsmith, a best-selling novelist whose book First Wives Club was made into a movie starring Goldie Hawn, Bette Midler and Diane Keaton, has died. She was 54.
Goldsmith had been in a coma since last Wednesday after complications resulting from anesthesia during plastic surgery . . .
The Way We Are Living
The way we are living,
timorous or bold,
will have been our life.
Ugly in Tinseltown
It’s tough being ugly in Tinseltown . . .
Even when a movie — like Monster — requires an unattractive woman in the lead role, they cast a gorgeous woman and make her up to look ugly!
What is the point of that?!
Why not just cast an unattractive woman in the first place — like that Meredith girl from The Bachelorette, for example?
A Moron’s Guide to Success
You could easily conclude from reading profiles in OC Metro that there’s not a single businessperson in Orange County with an ounce of wit or self-awareness.
Case in point: A profile in the current issue of “surfing banker” John Lynch, executive VP of Secured Funding Corp. in Costa Mesa.
The hook is — he’s a banker but he surfs every morning before work, and he says things like “Hey bro,” “We rock,” and “I never took a day of college.”
Pursuit
A phrase began to beat in my ears with a sort of heady excitement: ‘There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.’
That we pursue something passionately does not always mean that we really want it or have a special aptitude for it. Often, the thing we pursue most passionately is but a substitute for the one thing we really want and cannot have. It is usually safe to predict that the fulfillment of an excessively cherished desire is not likely to still our nagging anxiety. In every passionate pursuit, the pursuit counts more than the object pursued.
Fun With Obituaries
Several ordinary life stories, if told in rapid succession, tend to make life look far more pointless than it really is, probably.
Is that a fact? Let’s try it and see! Here are some excerpts from this week’s obituaries in the Irvine World News:
When Technology Falls Into the Wrong Hands
Here’s what happens when a 10-year-old gets hold of a digital camera. And there’s lots more self-portraits where that came from, including the ones he took of his own butt, which are his personal favorites.
Quote of the Day
Wesley Clark on affirmative action:
Not everybody’s born on a level playing field.
That is undeniable. I, for example, was born in a hospital . . .
Albert Camus
On this date in 1960, Albert Camus died in a car smash outside Paris at the age of 47.
The incomplete manuscript of The First Man, the autobiographical novel that Camus was working on at his death, was found in the mud at the site of the wreck.
What a finish!
Quel tableau!
Overheard
One cow to another:
They’re not booing. They’re saying ‘Moooo!’
Happy New Year!
The rest of the family got up early and went to the Rose Parade. I stayed home and watched it on TV with the dog.
This is what the parade looks like to a 10-year-old.