EppsNet Archive: Death
Clifford Nass, 1958-2013
One of his most publicized research projects was a 2009 study on multitasking. He and his colleagues presumed that people who frequently juggle computer, phone or television screens, or just different applications, would display some special skill at ignoring irrelevant information, or efficiently switching between tasks, or that they would prove to have a particularly orderly memory. “We all bet high multitaskers were going to be stars at something,” he said in an interview with the PBS program “Frontline” after the paper he and his colleagues wrote, “Cognitive Control in Media Multitaskers,” was published in 2009. “We were absolutely shocked,” he said. “We all lost our bets. It turns out multitaskers are terrible at every aspect of multitasking. They’re terrible at ignoring irrelevant information; they’re terrible at keeping information in their head nicely and neatly organized; and they’re terrible at switching from one task to another.” He added, “One would… Read more →
The Best-Laid Plans . . .
As if any more evidence was needed that smoking is bad for your health. Should I ever happen to kill myself while trying to perform a simple task — I’m trying not to, but if it does happen — please don’t publish a photo of me in a college hoodie. Au revoir, professor! Read more →
Thank You for Smoking
According to the American Cancer Society, smoking kills about 1 in 5 people in the United States. Is that bad? If so, why? You’ve got to die somehow. Would it be better if those people died from some other cause? How would you prefer to see them die? Also: Some percentage of Americans would rather be dead than alive anyway. I don’t know what that number is, but I’d bet it’s higher than 1 in 5. (If you Google “percentage of people who would rather be dead,” the top results all point to a 2008 survey in which 52 percent of respondents said they would rather be dead than disabled. If you change the search to “percentage of people who would rather be dead than alive,” you get a mishmash of links, including a few more links to the “dead vs. disabled” survey, but you still don’t get the number… Read more →
And So it Goes
Joe Bell, 48, was walking cross-country from Oregon to New York to memorialize his gay son, who killed himself after being bullied. Bell’s journey began April 20 and ended this week on a two-lane road in eastern Colorado, where he was struck and killed by a tractor-trailer whose driver had apparently fallen asleep. Read more →
A (Nearly) Perfect Murder
A Montana woman was charged on Monday with killing her husband of eight days by pushing him off a cliff at Glacier National Park during an argument and after expressing doubts about the marriage, court records show. Jordan Graham, 22, was charged with second-degree murder in U.S. District Court in Missoula stemming from the July 7 death of her husband, Cody Johnson, 25, of Kalispell. . . . Graham on July 11 reported to emergency dispatchers at Glacier National Park that she had found her husband’s body below a steep hiking path. It was not immediately clear how far he had fallen. Graham later admitted to authorities that she had lied about Johnson’s death and that she had shoved him off a cliff during an argument while hiking. — “Newlywed pushes husband off cliff after 8 days of marriage: court records” – NBCNews.com Jordan Graham taking a page from my… Read more →
If You Quote Poetry at My Death, I Will Haunt You
If you know me, and you outlive me, and you want to say something on the occasion of my demise, please do not quote a snippet of poetry or other literary material, e.g., “He did not go gently into that good night.” Or: “I think Wordsworth said it best . . .” Bullshit . . . Wordsworth did not say it best. Wordsworth didn’t know me. You knew me. Go ahead and say something from the heart if you have something. Keep it real. He was not a good person. He had the most appalling social skills, which is why he had no close friends. After his son moved out, he just unraveled like an old sock. I remember at Jackie O’s funeral, her kids — was it just one kid, or both? I think both — read a poem. A poem! That’s when you really know that your life… Read more →
I Killed a Guy in Florida
Hi everybody! it’s me, Lightning! I knew I should have killed those two guys under the truck so there wouldn’t be any witnesses. HA HA! Kidding! I wasn’t even in Florida! — Lightning Read more →
See You in Hell, New Orleans
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses. Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park. — “‘Enough is enough’: 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street” – NBCNews.com There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell. First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status. That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old… Read more →
Seamus Heaney, 1939-2013
The way we are living, timorous or bold, will have been our life. — Seamus Heaney, “Elegy” Related articles In Memoriam Seamus Heaney (text-patterns.thenewatlantis.com) Read more →
Elmore Leonard, 1925-2013
Elmore Leonard wrote 45 books. Were they good books? Well, let me ask you: Do you know anyone who’s written 45 good books? Neither do I. He’s a literary Joey Chestnut. I know Leonard wrote at least one good book though and that book is Get Shorty. It’s not Proust but it’s a good novel, not just good as genre fiction. I really enjoyed it. In fact, my enjoyment was such that I bought another Leonard book, Maximum Bob. If I’d read Maximum Bob first, I would have stopped right there with the Leonard canon. Maximum Bob is so bad, it’s hard to believe these two books were written by the same person. I read Gold Coast as a tiebreaker. Gold Coast is better than Maximum Bob, no question about it, but not nearly as good as Get Shorty. So I stopped reading Elmore Leonard books, but I highly recommend… Read more →
Rearview Cameras in Cars
Gov’t delays requiring rearview cameras in cars — Associated Press Rearview cameras in cars seem like a good idea. Who wants to accidentally back over a child or a pet, right? It’s upsetting, not to mention whoever the child or pet belonged to is probably going to hold it against you forever. Let’s make rearview cameras required by law. In fact, let’s make rearview and frontview cameras required, because kids and pets can get under the front of your car too, and running over them is bad, no matter what direction you’re going. I’ve seen TV commercials where cars can detect obstacles in their path and stop automatically to avoid a collision. That’s great. Let’s make that required too. In fact, let’s make so many features required by law that you can’t even buy a car anymore for less than $50,000. You know what else is a good idea? Freedom,… Read more →
Doing What He Loved
Witnesses told police no one was standing near a Rockdale County man when he fell 85 feet to his death at Turner Field, investigators said Tuesday. Ronald Lee Homer, 30, of Conyers, landed in the players’ parking lot outside of the stadium when he fell from the fourth level around 8:30 Monday night, Atlanta police said. — Conyers man dies after fall at Turner Field He died doing what he loved — watching a Braves game. Well, technically he wasn’t watching the game, he was falling off the stadium, but we’ve got to make the “doing what he loved” bromide work. And please, no jokes about Homer’s (85-foot) odyssey, you sick bastards. Read more →
Doing What He Loved
From a corporate alumni group on Facebook: We lost another good guy last night. [Name redacted] fell off his boat crabbing in the Chesapeake. He died doing what he loved. He loved falling off boats? That’s unusual. It’s too bad he didn’t love swimming. Or wearing life vests. Read more →
Blacks Benefit Most from ‘Stand Your Ground’
African Americans benefit from Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” self-defense law at a rate far out of proportion to their presence in the state’s population, despite an assertion by Attorney General Eric Holder that repealing “Stand Your Ground” would help African Americans. Black Floridians have made about a third of the state’s total “Stand Your Ground” claims in homicide cases, a rate nearly double the black percentage of Florida’s population. The majority of those claims have been successful, a success rate that exceeds that for Florida whites. — Florida blacks benefit from Florida 'Stand Your Ground' | The Daily Caller Read more →
Homicidal Cab Drivers: Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home
James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words. I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype. Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check. “He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up… Read more →
You Say Anarchy, Sir, Like It’s a Bad Thing
Frankly, one of our political parties is insane, and we all know which one it is. They have descended from the realm of reasonableness that was the mark of conservatism. They dream of anarchy, of ending government. — Bruce Bartlett My fellow Americans — I’ll tell you who’s insane: anyone who’s not dreaming of anarchy at this moment in history is insane. People forget that this great nation was founded by anarchists, born out of an armed revolution against a corrupt government. As I said at the time, “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it.” I assure you, though, that regrettably neither current political party dreams of anarchy. They both dream of exactly the same things: self-aggrandizement and rewarding their most powerful supporters with political spoils. The well-known liberal cartoonist Ted Rall wrote a book a couple… Read more →
How Effective is Prayer as a Tornado Survival Tactic?
Take that, liberal heathen! She’s not “supposed” to pray in a school but she did it anyway! And that’s why she’s alive today! It would be useful to know for the purpose of assessing the value of prayer as a tornado survival tactic, how many of the 24 people who didn’t survive the Oklahoma tornado were praying at the moment of their death. Of the 10 children who were killed, were any of them praying? Maybe God said to himself, “Okay, change of plans. I was going to hit Rhonda Crosswhite with this tornado, but since she’s praying out loud in a school, I’ll redirect it into those 10 kids.” Read more →
He Stopped Loving Her Today
Country music legend George Jones dies at 81 — CNN.com Read more →