EppsNet Archive: Death

Enjoying Life to the Fullest

by  on 
 

FARGO — An eyewitness here says a Fourth of July fireworks accident decapitated a Fargo man Monday night. Police identified the victim as Jesse William Burley, a 41-year-old father of two, who enjoyed life to its fullest, said Burley’s stepfather Chuck Asplin of Fargo. — Grand Forks Herald If by “enjoyed life to the fullest,” you mean “had no fucking sense.” He died doing what he loved — being a complete asshole. Maybe I can’t say that I enjoy life to the fullest, but at least my head is still attached to my shoulders . . . Read more →

Man Protesting Motorcycle Helmet Laws Dies From Head Injury

by  on 
 

Town of Onondaga, NY — A Parish man who was participating in a motorcycle helmet protest ride was killed this afternoon when he went over the handlebars of his motorcycle and injured his head on the pavement, state police said. — syracuse.com Posting this for the irony, not because I think helmet laws are a good thing. Should we require people to wear crash helmets in their cars? It would save a lot more lives than motorcycle helmet laws. Hard-working Americans should not be forced to protect themselves from fatal head injuries. FREEDOM! Read more →

Now he would never write the things that he had saved to write until he knew enough to write them well. — Ernest Hemingway, “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”

Live Like a Jackass, Die Like a Jackass

by  on 
 

To anyone who misses Ryan Dunn, may I suggest that you honor his memory by getting drunk and driving your car into a tree. The tragedy here is that Bam Margera wasn’t in the car with him. I object to having these guys introduced into my life via front-page headlines. Why is Ryan Dunn’s death more noteworthy than any other moron with a fast car and a drinking problem? Because he shoved a toy car up his ass? Here in our neighborhood in Irvine, we had a drunk guy a few weeks ago run a red light at Irvine and Culver and smash his truck into a car containing a father, his 14-year-old daughter and three of her friends on their way home from a birthday party. One of the girls, a freshman at Northwood High School, was killed. The fact that Ryan Dunn killed himself and a 30-year-old man… Read more →

Graduation Still Life

by  on 
 

Time passes. Listen. Time passes. . . . — Dylan Thomas, Under Milk Wood Unlike Paul Cézanne, I didn’t spend hours setting this up. I captured it just the way it looked when I came downstairs this morning. As one chapter ends, another begins. For the kids — most of them — the next chapter is college; for the parents, old age and death. Happy Thursday, everybody! Read more →

Dog Problems

by  on 
 

I got an email today from a confused person who says that “any dog of any breed can have bad temperament, poor training and poor socialization, and can therefore be a problem.” Fair enough, but there are “problems” and then there are problems, and if you don’t account for the size and strength of the breed, you’ve got a pretty silly argument on your hands. In our neighborhood, we have an angry Chihuahua with a crazy owner. The owner is crazy and the dog is crazy. We see them sometimes when I’m out walking Lightning. The dog yaps and yaps and strains at the leash and Lightning just looks at him like, “You’ve got to be kidding.” A poorly socialized Chihuahua doesn’t create the kind of problem that anyone really cares about. On the other hand, there’s another aggressive dog — a pit bull mix, much bigger than a Chihuahua.… Read more →

People Who Died Last Week

by  on 
 

It was a busy week for the Grim Reaper . . . Seve Ballesteros, golfer Osama bin Laden Jackie Cooper, actor Arthur Laurents, playwright. Wrote West Side Story, among other things. David Mason, trumpeter. Played the trumpet solo on “Penny Lane.” Sada Thompson, actress. Played Kate Lawrence on Family. Dana Wynter, actress. That’s her in the photo, from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Read more →

Satan on Osama bin Laden

by  on Satan
 

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax. This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?! HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan! But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition. But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that… Read more →

R.I.P. Knut

by  on Lightning
 

It breaks my spirit to see a magnificent animal die in pain in front of all those people. Folks, if you want to see a polar bear, go to the Arctic Circle. Animals aren’t happy in zoos. I know you’re thinking, “But Lightning, you live in captivity and you’re happy.” Even as a house pet, I have more freedom than a zoo animal. My owner takes me on frequent trips to the dog park, where I’m able to exercise my innate dominance of the canine kingdom. I couldn’t live in an enclosure because I wouldn’t be able to be who I am. — Lightning Read more →

Serious People Don’t Ski

by  on 
 

Five men, including three prominent Long Beach community and business leaders, were killed and one person seriously injured Wednesday when their Salt Lake City-bound plane crashed along a runway at Long Beach Airport and burst into flames. The group of six were on their way to ski in Park City, Utah, friends said. — Los Angeles Times I think we’ve covered this before but there are certain key indicators in life that you are not a serious person and one of those indicators is that you take ski trips. And it’s a key indicator squared if you’re a grown man and you take ski trips with other grown men. Did Napoleon take ski vacations with his buddies? No, he didn’t. Did Winston Churchill take ski vacations? Did Einstein take ski vacations? Did Jesus take ski vacations? So on the bright side, it’s not like promising lives have been cut short… Read more →

Anne Frank

by  on 
 

As I’ve said before, it continues to amaze me how many people around the world have been touched by the life of this one girl . . . I have seen the movie about Anne Frank and I was very emotional and hurt it was very hard to watch this movie the things they had to go through it makes you think twice as hard what if it was my family we take things for granted Anne Frank didn’t have a chance to have a family of her own go to the movies stay up late getting married every aspect of life what she had she cherished with all the love for everything she had this situation with race needs to stop we all bleed the same colour unless we have aliens or robot blood among us or those who choose to judge all races To me Anne Frank was… Read more →

Twitter: 2011-02-01

by  on 
 

RT @ChelseaVPeretti: When people say "it is what it is" we all learn so much via this insight # RT @eddiepepitone: if your life involves long discussions about flax seed than you need to take more risks. # RT @eddiepepitone: I always tell children that lunatic clowns will kill them in their sleep. I want to see the cut of their jib. # Read more →

Gerry Rafferty, 1947-2011

by  on 
 

Just one more year and then you’ll be happy . . . If that doesn’t sum up what life is all about, I don’t know what does. Just one more year till I lose some weight, gain some weight, get married, get divorced, get out of school, go back to school, get pregnant, get the kids out of the house, get a job, quit my job, etc., etc., etc. Then I’m really going to start living! R.I.P. Gerry Rafferty. Read more →

« Previous Page — Next Page »