“Anyone who knows me as well as you do,” I say to my son, “knows that one thing I really hate is when I put something in one place and somebody moves it to a different place, so the next time I need that thing I can’t find it. Which brings me to the topic of the DVD remote . . .” “I put it to the left of the TV,” he says. “Are you sure you didn’t put it behind the TV where no one would be likely to find it?” “Did you find it?” he asks. “No — Mom found it, and when I asked her where she found it she pointed behind the TV.” “Hmmm . . . I would say it was to the left of the TV.” “Let me ask you this: Why did you move it at all?” “It was in my chair.” “That’s… Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Kids
Cooking Tips (Given the Unidirectional Nature of Time)
“How long would you microwave this for?” my son asks, holding a bowl of refried beans and chopped chicken. “I’d start out with a minute,” I say. “A minute?!” “Yeah. Is that too much?” “It’s too little.” “Well, I’d rather start out by undercooking the food a little bit because I can always cook it some more, whereas once I’ve fried it into a flaming gob, I don’t have any recourse.” “You’re weak,” he says. “Okay, do it your way, Volcano Joe.” Read more →
Tips for Test Takers
My son has a math test today. He was up till 3 a.m. studying for it. In my experience, a positive mindset is essential to successful test-taking, so on the drive to school, I give him a piece of advice. “Walk into the classroom,” I say, “look at the teacher and lay down a challenge, like ‘Let’s do it.’” “It’s not her test,” the boy says. “What does that mean?” “It means every class takes the same test — Schneider, D’Antonio . . .” “THAT DOESN’T MATTER,” I say. “The important thing is to lay down the challenge. ‘Stop bitin’ on my styles.’ Granted, that one doesn’t make any sense, but it gives you the positive mental framework that you need for mathematical success.” Read more →
Bowing for Cash
My son’s half-Asian — his mom is Thai — and he feels like he’s missing out on an important Asian tradition. “On Chinese New Year,” he says, “Chinese kids get wads of cash. Koreans have a holiday where kids go to relatives’ houses, bow to people and get wads of cash.” He mentions a Korean friend of his who raked in 180 bucks the last time this holiday rolled around. “Why isn’t there a Thai holiday where kids bow to people and get wads of cash?” he asks. “Isn’t that how pretty much every day goes for you?” I ask. “Without the bowing, I mean. Handing you wads of cash though — that part is in full effect.” Read more →
Pride and Prejudice
As my son comes downstairs for dinner, he says, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune –” I finish it with him: “– must be in want of a wife.” “We spent 45 minutes in class today analyzing that one sentence,” he says. “It’s a very famous sentence,” I say. “The next sentence will probably go faster.” Read more →
How to Get an A in Hell
At Northwood High School, Honors Euro Lit is known by its acronym — HEL (pronounced hell) — and widely regarded as the hardest class at the school. In order to get an A in the class for the first semester, my son needed a very high score — around a 98 — on the final exam, didn’t get it, and finished with a semester grade of 89.27 — a high B. If he’d had at least an 89.5, the teacher would have rounded it up to an A. So out of 1,000+ possible points over the course of the semester, an 89.27 means you missed an A by only three or four points. I’ve always encouraged the boy to be proactive with his teachers. Some people call this “sucking up” but I’ve been a teacher myself and I can tell you that teachers like students who are engaged and make… Read more →
Notes From Interstate 5
It poured rain all the way from San Jose to Los Angeles . . . “It’s a good day for cows,” I say to my son, as we drive by a field of happy-looking bovines. “It’s raining,” he points out. “I don’t think cows mind a little rain. They get to eat lush, moist grass. Instead of dry grass. Do you like to eat a dry salad with no dressing? You don’t, right?” No answer. “I’m trying to think like a cow here.” “My phone would go out right in the middle of a text message,” the boy says. “That’s awful,” I say in mock sympathy. “It is,” he says. “It was a thoughtful, heartfelt text message.” “How thoughtful and heartfelt can a text message be? Aren’t you limited to 160 characters?” “Not to Verizon numbers.” “Oh. Well, that is disappointing then.” We’re driving past an agricultural area… Read more →
Waving at the Computer
Last night in the hotel room, I was lying on one of the beds reading and my son was sitting on the other bed doing something on my computer. At one point, in my peripheral vision, I thought I saw him waving at the screen. “Were you just waving at the computer?” I asked him. “I was testing your webcam,” he said. “Oh. Does it work?” “Yeah.” Read more →
NARCh Winternationals – Day 4
Semifinal This one was like a replay of the third round-robin game. Final Score: West Coast Warriors 2, Devil Dogs 0 “They couldn’t buy a goal,” one of the moms said. “Are you allowed to buy goals?” I asked. “We need to make a new rule for that,” she said. The Warriors went on to lose 5-1 to NorCal Riot Black in the 16U final. That score surprised me, since NorCal couldn’t score on the Devil Dogs and the Devil Dogs couldn’t score on West Coast. I’ve got to find out if any parents stayed to watch the final. How did NorCal get 5 goals on the West Coast boys? Whatever they did, the Devil Dogs should start doing it . . . Read more →
NARCh Winternationals – Day 3
Game 4 The Devil Dogs are running into hot goalies. They’ve been shut out two games in a row, this one a scoreless tie against undefeated NorCal Riot Black. Final Score: Devil Dogs 0, NorCal Riot Black 0 The tie is good enough to put the Dogs in tomorrow’s single-elimination round against the West Coast Warriors — who beat them yesterday — with the winner playing NorCal Riot Black in the final. Read more →
NARCh Winternationals – Day 2
Game 3 The West Coast Warriors are a team of big kids from British Columbia. The Devil Dogs had some trouble dealing with their size and speed. And the Warriors’ goalie played a great game. Final Score: West Coast Warriors 2, Devil Dogs 0 The final round-robin games are scheduled for tomorrow. Depending on how things go, the Devil Dogs could be the top-seed for the single-elimination round or they could get knocked out of the tournament. Their game is against NorCal Riot Black, who are undefeated at 3-0. Read more →
NARCh Winternationals – Day 1
Game 1 Everybody wants to score goals; nobody wants to play defense. Everybody wants to make a big play; nobody wants to make the little plays. The kids came out too revved up, made a lot of mistakes and were fortunate to win the game. Final Score: Devil Dogs 5, Silicon Valley Quakes 3 Game 2 The boys calmed down and played the best game I’ve ever seen them play — and I see every game. Final Score: Devil Dogs 4, NorCal Riot Red 0 Two round-robin games left, against what look like stronger teams. Read more →
Another Difference Between Dogs and Cats
Hero dog saves boy, 11, from cougar attack — msnbc.com Dogs will save your life. Cats will try to kill your children. — Lightning Read more →
A Basic Fact of Team Sports
Revision Devil Dogs, my kid’s roller hockey team, won the AAU West Coast Winternationals 16U AA championship yesterday. The Top Scorer award went to a boy from the second-place team who had 11 goals and one assist in the four round-robin games. Eleven goals and one assist?! Pass the puck, Gretzky! A basic fact of team sports is that a concern with individual stats interferes with winning. Read more →
Twitter: 2009-12-10
RT @capricecrane: US Weekly: "Gosselin Kids Tell School There's No Santa." Really? Then who took your show off the air you little creeps? # Read more →
I Was Personally Selected by God Himself
Please forgive me…but sometimes I get very emotional…when I talk about my son…. My heart…fills with so…much…joy…when I realize…that this young man…is going to be able…to help so many people…. He will transcend this game…and bring to the world…a humanitarianism…which has never been known before. The world will be a better place to live in…by virtue of his existence…and his presence…. I acknowledge only a small part in that…in that I know that I was personally selected by God himself…to nurture this young man…and bring him to the point where he can make his contribution to humanity…. This is my treasure…. Please accept it…and use it wisely…. Thank you. — Earl Woods, 1996 I’ve learned to trust the subconscious. My instincts have never lied to me. That’s why I know I can handle all this, no matter how big it gets. I grew up in the media’s eye, but… Read more →
What Would Hope Do?
A young lady named Hope Xu — from University High right here in Irvine — scored a perfect 2400 on this year’s SAT exam. I’ve advised my 16-year-old son that henceforth, when he’s faced with a tough decision in life, he should ask himself the question “What would Hope Xu do?” I know one thing she wouldn’t do and that is to run into her dad’s bedroom at 11 p.m. and start doing flying front kicks when he’s trying to sleep. “Why are you doing that?” I ask him. “I just drank a Red Bull,” he says, then dances back out the door singing a song I don’t recognize . . . Read more →
Homework Follies
Worked some physics problems with my boy last night . . . the subject at hand was torque, which his textbook expresses in units of mN. “Back in my day, we used to measure torque in foot-pounds,” I said. “What’s mN? Millinewtons?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I guess so.” “OK, we’re off to a great start!” Read more →
Disliking on Facebook
I say to my son, “Now there’s a Firefox plugin so you can dislike stuff on Facebook. I disliked three things already.” “Cool,” he says, walking out of the room. “I gotta get that right now.” He comes back in with his laptop. “First I’ve got to download Firefox,” he says. “You’re downloading Firefox just so you can dislike stuff on Facebook?” “That’s right.” Read more →
Wolf King
My owner bought me a new kind of dog food called Wolf King. A wolf king is like an alpha pug. “The bag says it’s for large-breed dogs,” his son said. “Lightning is a large-breed dog,” my owner said. “No he isn’t.” “Except for his size, he is. He has the heart of a much larger animal.” — Lightning Read more →