EppsNet Archive: Kids

And So it Goes

 

Joe Bell, 48, was walking cross-country from Oregon to New York to memorialize his gay son, who killed himself after being bullied. Bell’s journey began April 20 and ended this week on a two-lane road in eastern Colorado, where he was struck and killed by a tractor-trailer whose driver had apparently fallen asleep. Read more →

If You Quote Poetry at My Death, I Will Haunt You

 

If you know me, and you outlive me, and you want to say something on the occasion of my demise, please do not quote a snippet of poetry or other literary material, e.g., “He did not go gently into that good night.” Or: “I think Wordsworth said it best . . .” Bullshit . . . Wordsworth did not say it best. Wordsworth didn’t know me. You knew me. Go ahead and say something from the heart if you have something. Keep it real. He was not a good person. He had the most appalling social skills, which is why he had no close friends. After his son moved out, he just unraveled like an old sock. I remember at Jackie O’s funeral, her kids — was it just one kid, or both? I think both — read a poem. A poem! That’s when you really know that your life… Read more →

A Tradeoff

 

If female employment rates matched male rates in the U.S., the GDP would rise by 5%. This stat & more: http://t.co/XsBVJW1xtE — Harvard Biz Review (@HarvardBiz) August 25, 2013 Okay . . . but who would be raising our kids? Or is that not important? Read more →

How the Willis Tower Got Its Name

 

When the Sears Tower opened in 1973, Sears, Roebuck & Co. was the biggest retailing company in the world. The annual Sears Christmas catalog was like amphetamines for American schoolchildren. (This was before half of America’s schoolchildren were already on amphetamines.) Sadly, as time passed, the fortunes of Sears & Roebuck declined. Sears moved its offices out of the tower and sold it to some guy named Willis, who was so sick and tired of listening to people say “What you talkin bout, Willis?” that he renamed it to the Willis Tower. Now when people say “What you talkin bout, Willis?” he says “You want to know what I’m talkin bout?! I’m talkin bout THE TALLEST BUILDING IN NORTH AMERICA! That’s what I’m talkin bout, you pricks.” Read more →

Rearview Cameras in Cars

 

Gov’t delays requiring rearview cameras in cars — Associated Press Rearview cameras in cars seem like a good idea. Who wants to accidentally back over a child or a pet, right? It’s upsetting, not to mention whoever the child or pet belonged to is probably going to hold it against you forever. Let’s make rearview cameras required by law. In fact, let’s make rearview and frontview cameras required, because kids and pets can get under the front of your car too, and running over them is bad, no matter what direction you’re going. I’ve seen TV commercials where cars can detect obstacles in their path and stop automatically to avoid a collision. That’s great. Let’s make that required too. In fact, let’s make so many features required by law that you can’t even buy a car anymore for less than $50,000. You know what else is a good idea? Freedom,… Read more →

Opting Out

 

Best-educated moms are also more likely to ‘opt out,’ research finds — Life Inc. Opt out of what? It turns out “opt out” means opt out of the workforce. How is a mom staying home and raising her kids considered “opting out”? Read more →

Kobe Bryant, 1978-2013

 

One never knows when the blow may fall, Mamba Mentality notwithstanding. He wakes up this morning and a few hours later he dies at the age of 41. It sounds like they may have been flying through fog and hit a hillside rather than hitting the ground. Is there enough time to grab your daughter’s hand and say “I love you” or is it all over too fast? Which would be better or worse? RIP Kobe Bryant, Gianna and all the other passengers Read more →

Why Kyrie Irving is a Better Basketball Player Than Anyone in My Family

 

My son (age 19) and I are driving to Staples Center to see the Lakers take on the Cleveland Cavaliers, listening to the pre-game show on the radio. Because the Cavs are basically a one-man roster, and that one man is Kyrie Irving, there’s a lot of talk about Irving on the pre-game. One of the analysts offers up his opinion that Irving is as good as he is at such a young age (he’s 20) because Irving’s dad was hard on him as a kid and pushed him and didn’t let him take breaks. As always, when the topic of someone’s dad bullying him to greatness comes up, the boy gives me a melancholy look to say that my lack of abusiveness as a parent is the reason he’s not a professional athlete. “You let me take breaks,” he says. “You know,” I say, “I think for every guy… Read more →

I Have Kids Older Than NBA Players

 

My boy, a college sophomore, and I are watching the Lakers play the Charlotte Bobcats on the TV . . . “Did you know,” he says, “that I’m a full two months older than [Bobcats forward] Michael Kidd-Gilchrist?” “Hmmm . . . really?” “He grew more than me.” Kidd-Gilchrist is 6’7″, 232 lbs. He turned 19 in September. Read more →

Grown-Up Kids

 

It used to puzzle me how parents could stand to live at a distance from their adult children. Now I think it’s because it’s a bit embarrassing to have your kids see how absurdly vacant your life has become now that your parenting days are over. A lot of species, once they get too old to have and raise offspring, they just die. They don’t hang around forever and make everyone uncomfortable. Maybe a little distance isn’t such a bad thing. Read more →

Berkeley Voters Leave Something to be Desired as Parents

 

According to a new survey, just over 10 percent of Berkeley High ninth and 11th graders reported carrying a weapon onto school property, while about 35 percent of 11th graders reported attending class drunk or high. If I had a kid at Berkeley High, I’d be moving out of town yesterday, but I’m reading in the Daily Californian that this news has been “met with surprise and joy from administrators,” the reason being that a similar survey two years ago reported about 17 percent of ninth graders and 16 percent of 11th graders carrying weapons onto campus, and 48 percent of 11th graders attending class drunk or high. Progress! “We’re very pleased with the survey results all around,” said Director of Student Services Susan Craig, “and at the same time we’re not at all complacent.” If by “pleased” she means “horrified,” I couldn’t agree more. In other news, Barack Obama… Read more →

Favorite Poem of the Week

 

My favorite poem of the week — again from Modern & Contemporary American Poetry — was “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” by Bernadette Mayer, especially the final image of the stressed-out new mother reading The Wild Boy of Aveyron, about a feral child raised by wolves. Read more →

Mr. Blackwell Lives

 

My kid calls me out for wearing white socks with black sneakers . . . “Thanks, Mr. Blackwell,” I say to him. Then it occurs to me that a 19-year-old is not going to get the Mr. Blackwell reference. “FYI, Mr. Blackwell was a flamboyantly gay fashion critic.” Read more →

Things to Do in Cincinnati When You’re Bored

 

Cops: Teens beat man because ‘they were just bored’ — NBCNews.com Strange piece of “journalism” from NBC News . . . basically just a rewrite of a story in the Cincinnati Enquirer in which a 45-year-old man named Pat Mahaney received a senseless, brutal beating from six boys, ages 13 and 14: Mahaney was taken to Mercy Mount Airy Hospital, where he was treated for four days before being released Tuesday. Police said doctors had to insert a tube down his throat to remove all of the blood from his stomach. A tube remained in his right nostril as blood continued to seep out of his head, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported, and his left eye is heavily blackened. Police said the teens admitted that Mahaney had done nothing to provoke being kicked and punched repeatedly in the face while he lay helpless on the ground. One of the boys allegedly… Read more →

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