My wife asks our son, “Would you do me a favor and take the trash out?” “Wow,” the boy replies in disbelief. “And they called Caesar an absolute ruler.” Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
The Conversationalist
As I’m driving my son home from hockey practice, I start the conversation by saying, “So . . . looked like a good practice.” Silence . . . “I said, ‘Looked like a good practice.’” “That wasn’t a question,” the boy replies. Read more →
Father-Son Greeting Cards
This is screamingly funny in an unfunny way . . . An Irvine man has started up a greeting card company specializing in father-to-son cards: Founder, Steve Cunningham, a father of four could not find masculine cards written with the right message for his boys. During his travels, or when away for long periods, he often wanted to send a card conveying “I’m thinking of you” or perhaps express an uplifting word of encouragement, motivation, or proud of you. After endless searches on-line and in countless retail outlets, Steve begged the question… why is so little attention paid to men, particularly fathers who play an invaluable roll in the development of their children? OK, first of all, Steve is an idiot. He’s got a less-than-rudimentary command of the English language, but like many incompetent people, is unaware of his own incompetence, and thus doesn’t hire a copy editor to clean… Read more →
A Taxonomy of Freaks
My son’s playing a game of Madden ’08 . . . “I’m playing linebacker,” he says. “I’m a physical FREAK!” “What other kind of freak is there?” I ask. “I don’t know,” he says. Read more →
Community Leaders
I’ve got here an email from the Irvine Public Schools Foundation (IPSF), soliciting online donations at the IPSF website. Also on the website is a page listing the names of the IPSF board members, along with their corporate affiliation. Seven of the board members have no corporate affiliation and instead are given the tagline of “Community Leader.” Question: What in the world is a Community Leader?! How does one acquire such a designation, other than not having a real job? Couldn’t we just identify them as Volunteers or Parents or Parent Volunteers, instead of making them out to be some sort of tribal chieftains? Based on the one Community Leader that I actually know personally, I’d say a more appropriate label would be Community Nuisance or Gadfly. Read more →
You’re My Dad
Will you come to see me Jack When I’m old and very shaky? Yes I will for you’re my dad And you’ve lost your last old lady Though you traveled very far To the highlands and the badlands And ripped off the family car Still, old dad, I won’t forsake you. Will you come to see me Jack? Though I’m really not alone. Still I’d like to see my boy For we’re lonesome for our own. Yes I will for you’re my dad Though you dumped me and my brothers And you sizzled down the road Loving other fellows’ mothers. Will you come to see me Jack? Though I look like time boiled over. Growing old is not a lark. Yes I will for you’re my dad Though we never saw a nickel As we struggled up life’s ladder I will call you and together We will cuddle up and… Read more →
Greed
The dog is sitting attentively watching my son eat a chili dog. “You’re not going to get any of that,” I explain to the dog. “He’s greedy. He makes Jack Welch look like Good King Wenceslas.” “And you,” the boy says, “make Donnie ‘We Found Him’ look like one of the Three Wise Men.” The boy going deep in the archives to pull out a Wild Thornberrys reference, in which Donnie — seen here hanging from a tree limb — was a feral boy raised by orangutans. Read more →
A Lesson in Leadership
I took the dog for a walk this morning before dropping my son off at school . . . in theory, the dog is “his” dog, but in practice, I wind up doing most of the work. As we got back from the walk, the boy was standing outside yelling, “Let’s go! We’re late!” “Okay, Mr. Doesn’t-Do-Any-Work-While-Barking-Out-Orders-To-Others,” I said. “That’s what leadership’s all about,” he said. Read more →
School Choice
Another gem from the freshman football mailing list . . . Of the four high schools here in Irvine, only one — Irvine High — has a stadium on campus. There’s a movement afoot, led by local attorney and parent Emmett Raitt, to build a second stadium. Here’s an excerpt from Emmett’s email suggesting that parents write to the school board about this matter: The reasons a second stadium are needed include the elimination of Thursday night games, which lowers student attendance at games; it will ease the overcrowding of the Irvine Stadium facility (and particularly the snack bar, a personal favorite of mine); and it will allow all schools to use District facilities for their graduations, which they do not now do. Hmmm . . . I can’t see how increasing student attendance is going to ease overcrowding, nor do I think the fact that some local fatso thinks… Read more →
Getting to Know You
My son’s just diagnosed and fixed a problem with my wife’s laptop PC . . . “I should join the Northwood [his high school] Tech Squad,” he says, “with all the guys who tuck their shirts in.” “That reminds me,” my wife says to him. “What clubs are you in at school?” “What clubs am I in?” he says. “How about none?” “You need to be in a club,” she says. I say, “He’s in football and roller hockey.” “He can be in those,” she says, “but he still needs to be in a club so he can get to know people.” For some reason, this launches the boy into a Rodgers and Hammerstein tune . . . “Getting to knooooow yooooou . . .” “Can you look it up,” my wife says, “and see what clubs they have at Northwood?” “No,” I say. “I’m busy.” Which I am. “When… Read more →
This Week in Sports Parents Must Die
My son’s playing freshman football, pursuant to which I received the following email (names changed): Fellow Freshman parents, Zelda and I are disappointed with the poor quality of the duffle bags the boys purchased at the start of the season. Rocko’s bag is already ripping and the zippers are becoming non-functional. As a result, we intend to buy him a much higher quality, replacement bag made out of extra heavy duty material from a Montana vendor. My firm has purchased customized travel bags from this vendor before, and our clients/employees love them. We also intend to have the bag (which will be slightly larger to accommodate a football helmet) embroidered with the T-Wolf logo and his name. This is what the bag looks like, sans logo: If ten or more families decide to buy such replacement bags, the cost will be $285 each plus tax and the cost of name… Read more →
Chicken Dinner
I picked up 8 pieces of fried chicken — 2 legs, 2 thighs, 2 breasts and 2 wings — at the Albertson’s deli today, which seemed like a pretty good deal for the family until my son decided to eat all 8 pieces himself. Wait, I take that back . . . “I’m going to eat this one,” I said, holding up one of the wings. “The whole piece?!” he shouted. “Are you kidding? You’ve got 8 pieces here.” “Not anymore!” he shouted. Read more →
Conversations with a 14-Year-Old
I’m trying to say something to my kid in the back seat of the car . . . he’s got his iPod on but I’m pretty sure he can still hear me. Finally he says, “Are you trying to annoy me into a conversation?” Read more →
Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Just the Translator
My son’s working on the computer when Lightning the pug jumps in his lap and lays down on his arm. “How am I supposed to type with a dog laying on my arm?” the boy asks either me or the dog, I’m not sure which. Lightning looks at me and pants a few times. “He says you need to start thinking outside the bun,” I tell the boy. “Ummmm . . .” “Yeah, I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but that’s what he said.” Read more →
Do You Remember Your First Movie?
Originally uploaded by debaird. Yes I do. The first movie I saw in a theater was Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. The first movie I took my son to was Space Jam. Read more →
Obviously Aurelius
I’m reading Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations when my son, referring to the cover photo above the author’s name, says, “Who’s that? Zeus?” “No,” I say. “Caesar?” “No. It’s Marcus Aurelius.” “Hmmm. That seemed too obvious.” Read more →
EppsNet Hotel Review: Santa Maria Resort, Fort Myers, FL
I recently spent a week in Florida with my son for a roller hockey tournament. We stayed at the Santa Maria Resort on Fort Myers Beach. The place was great, like a furnished 2-bedroom apartment with a fully appointed kitchen: oven, stove, microwave, fridge, freezer, plates, bowls, pots, pans, silverware, etc. We went to the local Publix grocery the first day and stocked the place up with food and beverages. We got all this for about $50 a night less than we would have paid for a room at, say, the Embassy Suites. And when I say “room,” I mean that usually when I travel with the boy, the hotel room is in fact a room and we’re both in it together. That’s a problem because he likes to watch TV in hotel rooms and I’d rather read a book. But with the 2-bedroom setup — each bedroom on opposite… Read more →
The Saddest Cartoon I’ve Ever Seen
Easy Mac
My son takes a break from doing some video editing on the computer, trudges downstairs and into the kitchen, where his mom is cleaning the floor. “Can you make me some Easy Mac?” he asks. “I’m cleaning, honey,” she says. “Can you make your own Easy Mac?” “Bah!” he says, trudging back upstairs. “Does Steven Spielberg have to make his own Easy Mac? Does George Lucas have to make his own Easy Mac? Does M. Night Shyamalan . . .” Read more →
Go Tell the Spartans to Program a Football Game
I ponied up the 50 bucks to join the XNA Creators Club and so far I’ve been able to code and deploy some rudimentary 2-D games on our Xbox 360. “Can you program a football game?” my son asks. “No . . . first of all, I’m just learning this stuff, and second, you can’t expect one person to duplicate the efforts of dozens of people over a period of years.” “Haven’t you ever heard of The 300?” he shouts. “Yeah. They all died.” “But they gave a valiant effort!“ Read more →