My son, with mock pathos, is explaining to his mom how he managed to mess up a word definition on his homework: I’m a little boy, not a Merriam-Webster dictionary! Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
Role Model
My son is reading a biography of John Lennon. Here’s what he got out of it so far: “John Lennon got all Cs in school.” I think his mom is going to take the book away from him . . . Read more →
Life’s Work
The company intranet has profiles of the Six Sigma team members, including their responses to the following fill-in-the-blank question: If I weren’t in banking, I’d be . . . Here are the answers: Read more →
Rent-A-Book
DAD: What are you reading? 10-YEAR-OLD: It’s a book I rented from the library. DAD: You don’t rent books from the library, you check them out. 10-YEAR-OLD: Whatever. Read more →
Mother and Son
“Do you ever listen to me?” “What?” Read more →
Kids in America
The woman cutting my hair today tells me her son’s favorite things to watch are horror movies — he really likes The Evil Dead — and The Simpsons. Did I mention that her son is 4-1/2 years old? Read more →
You’ve Got a Problem
You know you’ve got a problem when: You take your stroller-age child to an amusement park and you’re buying a beer at 11:30 in the morning; or You are the stroller-age child. I was at California Adventure yesterday and I saw this happening over and over . . . Read more →
Phraseology
“Pride goeth before a fall,” my son says, as he stuffs a slice of pizza into his mouth. “Really?” I ask. “What does that mean?” Read more →
Doggie Love
My wife was talking to a fellow dog-walker at the park this morning. The woman asked her, among other things, does she work, and my wife said no. That was good, the woman replied, because it really raises her hackles when people buy a dog and then leave it alone all day while they’re at work. What an astounding statement! Read more →
Wholesome Authority
Then there were the Romans — whose greatness was probably due to the wholesome authority exercised by the head of a family over all its members. Some Romans had even killed their children; this was going too far, but then the Romans were not Christians and knew no better. — Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh Read more →
Lewis vs. Clark
My son is doing a 5th grade research paper on William Clark, of Lewis and Clark fame. “Clark was a much better man than Lewis,” he says. “Why do you say that?” I ask. Read more →
How Annoying Am I?
“You know how annoying you are, Dad?” “Not really . . . how annoying am I?” “You’re off the flowchart.” Off the flowchart?! Read more →
At the Cotillion
It’s the evening of the Irvine Cotillion for January, and my son is trying to figure something out . . . Read more →
Men Are From Mars, Chickens Are From KFC
A man and a 10-year-old boy bring home the evening meal: 12 pieces of KFC for $9.99. “Get some plates,” his wife says. “We don’t need plates,” the man replies. “We’re men!” the boy explains. Wife: “You’re going to make a mess.” Man: “Of course we’re going to make a mess” Boy: “We’re men!” Read more →
Why Great Novels Are Not Written by 10-Year-Olds
And look upon us, angels of young children, with regards not quite estranged, when the swift river bears us to the ocean. — Charles Dickens, Dombey and Son And so, on page 243 of a 900-page novel, the 6-year-old Son referred to in the title dies! “So what’s the rest of the book going to be about?” I wonder aloud. “Your butt,” my son suggests. Read more →
That is You
The earth keeps some vibration going There in your heart, and that is you. — Edgar Lee Masters, “Fiddler Jones” There’s a balance to be struck between providing a kid with some direction in his life, and thinking that he should like certain things because I like them, or dislike certain things because I don’t like them, or that he should do things a certain way because that’s the way I would do them, the danger being that even though my way is, of course, the best way, the way he does it is what makes him him . . . Read more →
Great Moments in Parenting
My son wants an Icee after roller hockey practice, so I give him some money and he skates off to the snack bar. When I get there, the snack bar girl is giving him the Icee and his money back. Read more →
The Death of a Child
My nephew died yesterday in a car smash in Amarillo, TX, where he lived. He was 10 years old, the same age as my son. He was my son’s favorite cousin. Read more →
Lesbian Rescue Fantasies
From a company newsletter: [Insert woman’s name here] is quite a rescuer. She started with animals and now has six dogs, 13 cats and a rabbit. Last fall, she decided to extend her caretaking talents to children by becoming a foster parent. She and her partner, [Insert another woman’s name here], are foster parents to 7- and 9-year-old children and expect to take in several more soon. In fact, the two recently added on to their house to accomodate the growing family. Read more →
Tropical Moon
We have a young man in our neighborhood — he looks to be junior high school age — who likes to moon passing cars from a high wall in his backyard. Read more →