EppsNet Archive: Sports

Separated at Birth

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This photo somehow escaped my attention over the year or so since The M Zone first published it. One of the subjects in the photo is a large, flightless bird with shaggy plumage. The other is an emu. (Actually, the chap on the right is incoming Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen.) Read more →

Strahan’s Wife Has Garage Sale With His Stuff

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Oh, this is rich . . . Michael Strahan‘s ex-wife held a garage sale on Saturday. How often do you see a garage sale outside a $3.6 million mansion? Among the items on sale was a set of cassette tapes on how to make relationships succeed. One diehard Giants fan walked away with two television sets for the bargain price of $100. “I get to cheer for Mike on his TV,” he said. Read more →

Charlie Hustle

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For years, Pete Rose denied betting on baseball while he was manager of the Cincinnati Reds. Now he admits to betting on his team every time they took the field. — FOXSports.com Good for him! Managers and players should be required to bet on their own teams. You’d see those assholes running out ground balls for a change, I assure you. Read more →

Super Bowl Ads

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Forgettable . . . although this Doritos ad was notable for the fact that it was made on a budget of $12.97. As my son said after one particularly unmemorable spot (I can’t remember which one): “They paid a trillion dollars to put that on my TV?” Read more →

What Hockey Players Are Supposed to Smell Like

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My wife is commenting on the smell of our son’s hockey bag. “You need to air that out sometimes,” she tells him. “Hockey players aren’t supposed to smell like perfume,” he explains. “What are they supposed to smell like?” I ask him. “Sweat and toil,” he says. “Broken bones. And dried blood.” Read more →

LSU 41, Notre Dame 14

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Brady Quinn and the rest of the Irish seniors wrapped up their college careers by doing what they do best: losing every big game they play, most of them badly. It was the ninth consecutive bowl loss for Notre Dame, setting a new NCAA record for ineptitude. Thank God they locked up Charlie Weis for 10 years, huh? As recently as last week, Weis was assuring everyone that he plans to be at Notre Dame for the duration. More of a threat than a promise at this point . . . See Also: How to be a Notre Dame Fan Read more →

USC 32, Michigan 18

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So much for the Wolverines’ “We should have been in the National Championship game” argument. Kudos to J.D. Booty (391 yards, 4 TDs), who took a lot of criticism this season, had a mediocre first half, including a fumble, then came back after halftime and took over the game. I got some delayed gloating from a UCLA grad about denying USC a national championship shot. Let’s keep it simple: either you’re good enough to win a national championship or you’re not. The Trojans lost to Oregon State and UCLA. They weren’t good enough. Still, it’s better to go to the Rose Bowl and win it than to go to the Emerald Bowl and get your rear ends kicked by the 8th-place ACC team. And the victory over USC may be a mixed blessing for Bruin fans, who will now likely be stuck with Karl Dorrell for at least one more… Read more →

College Pick ‘Em

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I was mathematically eliminated from college bowl pick ’em at the office with 13 games left. The leader — an Indian gentleman — is 15-2. I’m 11-6, but there are only three games left where he and I picked a different winner. At least I’m ahead of the woman who picked the games based on which of the mascots would win in a fight. If I’d won the thing, I probably wouldn’t mention that I actually let my son pick the games, my only rule being that he had to pick USC in the Rose Bowl . . . Read more →

How Could We Lose to These Idiots?

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As I sat in Northwood Pizza last night with my son’s roller hockey team, watching the last few minutes of Florida State’s 44-27 drubbing of UCLA, I was reminded of chess grandmaster Aron Nimzowitsch, who once, after losing a match, climbed on a table and shouted Why must I lose to this idiot? FIGHT ON! Read more →

Oregon Nancy Boys

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Before BYU’s 38-8 pasting of Oregon in last night’s Las Vegas Bowl, ESPN ran a feature on how the Oregon players and coaches work with Nike to design those gawd-awful uniforms. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ on a moped, how fruity is that?! Why not change the team name from the Ducks to the Battling Halstons? Then they go out and get waxed by a Mountain West team — that’s got be great for recruiting! Hey boys, if you want to be fashion designers, sashay on up to Eugene, Oregon! I’m a proud USC alum, but if I ever hear Pete Carroll talking about threads per inch, I swear to god I’m going to renounce my allegiance . . . Read more →

USC 44, Notre Dame 24

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The difference in team speed between USC and Notre Dame in last night’s 44-24 Trojan victory was mind-blowing. Running backs turned the corner with ease, wide receivers blew past safeties . . . The signature play was a 4th-quarter onside kick by the Irish, fielded by USC’s Brian Cushing — a defensive end — who ran it back 42 yards for a touchdown. No blockers . . . just ran right by everybody. When a defensive end on the opposing squad can outrun your entire kick coverage team, well, you better believe that you are way too slow. FIGHT ON! Read more →

Brush with Greatness

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I saw Lindsay Davenport yesterday at Borders in South Coast Plaza. She was sitting in the cafe area talking with another woman when I walked past. I had to double back to make sure it was really her. I expect famous people to be larger than life, and Lindsay Davenport is a big girl anyway, so I’m thinking that she should be gigantic, which she wasn’t. But I walked past a second time and it was definitely her . . . Read more →

Hockey Families I Have Known

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I know some “hockey families” where the kids — boys or girls — can play any sport they want . . . as long as it’s hockey. They have email addresses like smiths4hockey@hotmail.com (assuming their name is Smith), and from the parents’ point of view, it simplifies things a lot. You don’t have kids getting into one sport, losing interest, moving on to something else. From the kids’ point of view? Maybe not so good. And I actually think it helps kids athletically to do more than one sport . . . Read more →

Tennis Parents Can Blow Me

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My kid plays Team Tennis here in Irvine . . . on Saturdays, they play other teams from around Orange County. Tennis parents are obsessive, just like hockey parents. The difference is that hockey parents can scream at the kids, refs, coaches, other parents, passers-by, etc., during the games, whereas tennis etiquette requires parents to stay quiet during the matches and berate the kids afterwards. My son’s team played the Balboa Bay Racquet Club team this past weekend. One of the smug tennis dads on our team showed up wearing a backpack with his own racket in it. Now why would he do that? He’s obviously not going to play tennis with it because it’s a kids’ event, so he just wanted everyone to know yeah, I’m a tennis player myself, my son is a tennis player because I’m a tennis player, blah blah blah . . . My lifetime… Read more →

Whatever Happened Five Minutes Ago

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The whole “whatever happened five minutes ago was the biggest thing that ever happened” school of making sports arguments has to be one of the most annoying sports media trends of this decade. — Bill Simmons Amen, brother! As far as I can tell, sports media do three things: Make predictions. Second-guess coaches and game officials. Blow things out of proportion. None of which add to anyone’s understanding or enjoyment of the games . . . Read more →

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