I heard the UCLA scout team uses God to simulate Pete Carroll in game preparations. — csufmatt Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Sports
Cory Lidle: 1972-2006
It is impossible to escape the impression that people commonly use false standards of measurement . . . and they underestimate what is of true value in life. — Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents Two men die in a plane crash. One man’s death is widely lamented; the other man is barely mentioned. Why? Because the first man was good at throwing a ball. It just goes to show how insignificant some of the things that we think are significant really are. — Various sportswriters and ballplayers Really? Well, now that this has been brought home to you, are you going to quit your job as a ballplayer or a person who writes about ballplayers and do something “significant” with your life? I didn’t think so. Read more →
Timeouts Considered Harmful
Mike Shanahan never calls a timeout to ice the kicker because Jason Elam let him in on a little secret among the kicking fraternity: most of them like the extra time to check out the conditions. — “There goes that theory,” L.A. Daily News The article goes on to quote several other kickers who say the timeout gives them a chance to get out on the field, go through their whole routine, fix up the field if they need to, and generally improves their chances of making the kick. Vikings kicker Ryan Longwell says that coaches fear being second-guessed if they don’t try to ice the kicker: “So I think a lot of coaches do that just for that reason, to clear their conscience on using all the timeouts.” This confirms a theory of mine, that a lot of things coaches — in any sport — do during a game… Read more →
The Greatest Golf Photo Ever
The facial expression on the guy in the back is priceless. Read more →
Two People Sorry They Bet on Baseball
Failing to Prepare
I joined my son’s fantasy football league because he asked me to, although the low esteem in which I hold fantasy football leagues is only reinforced by the fact that the league is populated by all of the nerdiest kids he knows. The draft is today. “Have you given any thought to who you’re taking with the fourth pick?” my son asks me. “Not really,” I say. “Are you telling me you haven’t done any preparation at all?” he asks in disbelief. He’s been doing mock drafts for a week. “Yeah, that’s about right.” “Failing to prepare is preparing to fail!” he informs me. It’s going to be a long season . . . Read more →
Madden NFL 07 Racist?
My son’s sitting in the family room playing the new Madden NFL 07. His computer-controlled kicker misses two extra points, after which the other team’s computer-controlled kicker makes a 50-yard field goal. “Oh my gosh!” he yells. “Can you say ‘racist’?” He’s a mixed-race kid — his mom is Asian — and he treats every slight as a racial issue. I think he’s kidding most of the time. One feature of Madden 07 is that when there’s a break in the action, it pops up player profiles — photos and career blurbs — of old school players that, for the most part, the boy has never heard of. “Fred Biletnikoff!? Looks like a stuck-up white boy to me! OHHHH! WOOOOOO!” Read more →
Two-Minute Drill (With Your Mom)
My son’s got a fantasy football league with some of his friends and he asked me to join, so I’ve got to think of a team name. I thought about using Two-Minute Drill With Your Mom, except you can see how it might lead to a physical confrontation with one of the other kids’ dads . . . Read more →
Fidel Castro Needs to Die Right Now
“Is Fidel Castro dead yet?” my son asks. “No,” I say, “as far as I know he’s still alive. Why do you care?” “Fidel Castro is the most Communistic Communist in the history of Communist Communism. And I have him in a death pool.” “When do you need him to die?” “Like . . . right now.” “Do you have anyone else in your death pool?” “Maurice Clarett.” Read more →
We’re No Geniuses
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. — Joe Theismann Read more →
Is Soccer a True Sport? Discuss.
A true sport is where athletes get broken legs and limp gamely off the field. A phony baloney sport is where athletes skin their knees and fall down, waving their arms as if they’ve been stabbed, and flop around like fish on a boat deck. — Jim Bouton Read more →
Why I Don’t Own a Cadillac Escalade
Smush Parker of the L.A. Lakers has a custom Cadillac Escalade that says SMUSHCALADE on the tailgate where it usually says ESCALADE. I say to my son, “I wonder if I could get an Escalade with EPPSCALADE on the back.” “You can’t even afford an Escalade and still have a good financial condition,” he says. “I can’t?” “No, ’cause you ain’t representin’.” “I’m not representin’?” “No, you ain’t wheelin’ and dealin’. You sittin’ on the block while others are out gettin’ their bling.” Read more →
I Made a Mistake on the Hockey Jerseys
OK, I made a mistake on the hockey jerseys . . . My son’s playing on a new team this season so I had to order new jerseys for him. They asked me what name I wanted to put on the back and I don’t know why, but I gave his first name instead of his last name. It’s the only thing he talked about all weekend. “I had my first name on my jersey in second grade!” he said. (He’s in seventh now.) “Does Steve Yzerman have ‘Steve’” — he draws out the “e” sound to make it sound extra ridiculous — “on the back of his jersey? NO! ‘GOAL, NUMBER 19! STEEEEVE!’” Every time I tried to talk to him about something else, he’d look at me with a goofy blank stare on his face. “Did you understand what I just said?” I’d ask. “Does Teemu Selanne have… Read more →
Between the Two of Us, We Know a Lot of Stuff
My boy repeats something he just heard on the Angels-Twins telecast: “The Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.” Sensing a teaching moment, I ask him, “Do you know who Hubert H. Humphrey is?” “No,” he says. “But you do, so it’s all right.” Read more →
First Tennis Lesson
Another Sign That Civilization is Circling the Commode
Fantasy NASCAR Read more →
The Bright Side of Bruin Football
Sure, they just absorbed their worst defeat in 75 years, but at least they’re not suffering through the kind of mortifying off-the-field incidents that characterized the Bob Toledo era! Well, except for placekicker Justin Medlock driving around drunk at 3 A.M., rolling his car over on the 405 freeway, and walking away from the wreckage with a seriously injured girl still inside. Read more →
Heisman Hijinks
Texas QB Vince Young was visibly unhappy about finishing second to Reggie Bush in the Heisman balloting. “I’m just basically emotionally upset about that,” Young said. News flash: Everyone who doesn’t win is upset about it, but the protocol is this: Congratulate the winner and move on. Have some class. Grow up. You’re not in third grade anymore. I’m Vince Young. I’m upset because I didn’t win. Boo-hoo-hoo! Man, I hope the Trojans kick his ass in the Rose Bowl. Read more →
USC 66, UCLA 19
I’m glad it was a blowout. Most of the season, I had to listen to “what a great job Karl Dorrell, Drew Olson and the Bruins are doing.” I didn’t think they were doing a great job at all. They were 9-1, but given all the last-minute, come-from-behind wins over bad teams, they were pretty close to being 5-5. Hence the lack of respect in the polls and the 21-point spread on this game, which turned out to be way too low. Read more →
Hunter Thompson’s High-Caliber Doldrum-Buster
Rolling Stone magazine has published Hunter Thompson’s suicide note, which he titled “Football Season is Over.” Thompson wrote the note last February, four days before fatally shooting himself in his kitchen. Douglas Brinkley, Thompson’s official biographer, writes, February was always the cruelest month for Hunter S. Thompson. An avid NFL fan, Hunter traditionally embraced the Super Bowl in January as the high-water mark of his year. February, by contrast, was doldrums time. I don’t understand “avid” sports fans — they depress and frighten me — but I’d certainly encourage other sports enthusiasts to consider Thompson’s high-caliber doldrum-buster . . . Read more →