Let me disclose the gifts reserved for age To set a crown upon your lifetime’s effort. First, the cold friction of expiring sense Without enchantment, offering no promise But bitter tastelessness of shadow fruit As body and soul begin to fall asunder. Second, the conscious impotence of rage At human folly, and the laceration Of laughter at what ceases to amuse. And last, the rending pain of re-enactment Of all that you have done, and been; the shame Of motives late revealed, and the awareness Of things ill done and done to others’ harm Which once you took for exercise of virtue. Then fools’ approval stings, and honour stains. — T.S. Eliot, “Little Gidding” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home: Homicidal Elephants
Homicidal Elephant Keeps Killing People In Tourist Hotspot, Official Says — dailycaller.com This happened in Thailand, in Khao Yai National Park. Since my wife is from Thailand, I ask her, “Have you heard of Khao Yai National Park?” “You don’t want to go there,” she says. “Dangerous. It’s full of animals.” “I just read that one of their elephants has killed three people.” “Don’t go there. It’s for daredevils.” Here you see the benefit of talking to the locals before taking a trip. If you just do your research online, you get this: “Khao Yai is no doubt the best national park in Thailand for regular visitors where it is relatively easy to see some impressive animals.” Granted, that site is intended to promote tourism so it omits any mention of the animals killing you. Read more →
An Incalculable Loss
These media layoffs have become pretty routine, to which I say “How long can you be on the wrong side of every story and not expect to suffer any consequences?” Read more →
What is the source of our first suffering? It lies in the fact that we hesitated to speak. . . . It was born in the moments when we accumulated silent things within us. — Bachelard, Water and Dreams
Suffering consists in being unable to reveal oneself and, when one happens to succeed in doing so, in having nothing more to say. — André Gide
One Sentence in Our Lifetime
Some languages are so constructed — English among them — that we each only really speak one sentence in our lifetime. That sentence begins with your first words, toddling around the kitchen, and ends with your last words right before you step into the limousine, or in a nursing home, the night-duty attendant vaguely on hand. Or, if you are blessed, they are heard by someone who knows you and loves you and will be sorry to hear the sentence end. — Mary Ruefle, Madness, Rack, and Honey Read more →
Pollock or Toddler?
On this date, January 28, in 1912, Jackson Pollock is born. My son recently texted me a couple of pictures (see below) and asked “Which one of these is our friends’ 15 month old daughter and which one is Pollock?” You can click the images to enlarge them if you think it will help you figure out the question. “That’s a tough one,” I texted back. “They’re both pretty bad.” It probably won’t surprise you to learn, after looking at his work, that Pollock suffered from severe mental health issues. He died in August 1956 at age 44 in an alcohol-related single-car collision. I wonder what the inside of the car looked like. Maybe it should have been preserved as his final contribution to abstract art. He also killed a passenger. Read more →
Song of Speaks-Fluently
To have to carry your own corn far– who likes it? To follow the black bear through the thicket– who likes it? To hunt without profit, to return weary without anything– who likes it? You have to carry your own corn far. You have to follow the black bear through the thicket. You have to hunt to no profit. If not, what will you tell the little ones? What will you speak of? For it is bad not to use the talk which God has sent us. I am Speaks-Fluently. Of all the groups of symbols, I am a symbol by myself. — Mary Ruefle, “Song of Speaks-Fluently” Read more →
Let the Disappointments Pass
IYKYK
What Size is Your T-Shirt?
I’m buying a T-shirt online as a gift . . . now you might say a T-shirt is a cheap-ass gift, but trust me, it’s a cool T-shirt. The point is, it’s available in multiple sizes: S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL, 4XL, 5XL. Only in America. I seem to remember a time when XXL was the largest size you could get. What must a person look like to need a 5XL T-shirt? YOU’RE EATING TOO MUCH FOOD! GO TO THE GYM! Read more →
The Pen and the Sword
Unpopular opinion: The pen is NOT mightier than the sword. Does anyone want to participate in an experiment? I’ll provide you with a pen. Read more →
My Boyhood Sports Icons Are Dying: Randy Jones
Randy Jones was a local guy . . . local to Orange County. He was born in Fullerton, went to high school in Brea, then pitched at Chapman College in Orange. As a pro, he was a good player on a terrible team. The San Diego Padres, in their first six years of existence (1969–1974), never won more than 63 games and finished each season in last place in the six-team NL West. They were just barely a major league team. Jones had two really good seasons for the Padres. In 1975, Jones was 20–12 and led the National League with a 2.24 ERA. He had 18 complete games in 36 starts, back when complete games were an actual thing, and became the first 20-game winner in Padres history. Jones was second in wins and WAR (wins above replacement) (7.5) among pitchers, only behind the great Tom Seaver (22 wins… Read more →
Don’t Try That Here
A Trip to the Oral Surgeon
I had a wisdom tooth taken out the other day. The oral surgeon, the first thing she said when she came in the surgery room was “Are those your real teeth in the front?” They are my real teeth so I said yes. “They’re not veneers?” “No.” “Do you drink coffee?” “No.” “Tea?” “No.” “Soda?” “I do drink a lot of sodas.” “Did you have them bleached?” “I did a number of years ago. Now I just throw some Crest whitening strips on there a couple times a year.” “You should be in a toothpaste commercial.” I don’t know if she was flirting with me. It’s been so long since anyone’s done that that I don’t know what it looks like anymore so I didn’t bring it up. “What are we doing today?” she asked, while looking over my X-rays. I think she already knew but I said “Taking out… Read more →
You’re Never Too Old to Launch a Transnational Forgery Scheme
German police announced yesterday that they had busted a transnational scheme to sell 20 forgeries of paintings by artists including Rembrandt and Pablo Picasso. Several suspected fakes were seized during coordinated raids across Germany, Switzerland, and Liechtenstein last week. Authorities allege that a 77-year-old German man led 10 accomplices in the scheme that priced the counterfeits between $465K and $150M. — aol.com I don’t know how to paint, unfortunately, but I do know how to use CSS DIVs. How much do you think I can get for this Starry Night forgery? Read more →
Questions and Concerns at the Dentist
After my dental appointment, the hygienist asks me, “Do you have any questions or concerns?” I say, “Oh I’ve got a ton of questions and concerns.” Pause. “Did you mean about my teeth?” “Those are the only ones I can help you with.” “Well . . . no, nothing along those lines. Thanks for asking though!” Read more →
Ace Frehley, 1951-2025
It used to be that whenever a musical legend died — David Bowie or Prince, for example — I’d post something online to say “And yet all the members of Rush are still alive? How is this fair?!” I regard Rush as the worst band in the history of music. Then Neil Peart died and I had to switch to “all the original members of KISS are still alive.” Now that Ace Frehley has died, I’m not sure how to proceed. Are all of the Bay City Rollers still alive? RIP Ace Frehley Read more →
The Great Chicago Fire
On this date, Oct. 8, in 1871, the Great Chicago Fire started. The fire came under control on October 10, leaving an estimated 300 people dead, 100,000 others homeless and more than 17,000 structures destroyed. As major disasters go, a death toll of 300 is very low. Aren’t there about 300 people killed in Chicago every weekend now? Did you know? The same day the Great Chicago Fire began, a fire broke out in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, in which more than 1,000 people perished. The disaster (in Chicago, not Wisconsin) prompted an outbreak of looting and lawlessness. Some things never change. Martial law was declared on October 11, and lifted several weeks later. Also, Happy World Octopus Day to those who celebrate. Read more →
Einstein’s List of Marital Demands
EINSTEIN’S LIST OF MARITAL DEMANDS These are more useful than the Theory of Relativity, which no one understands anyway. Read more →
Career Lessons: Lesson #1
Currently I do most of my work from home. Mid-afternoon, loud music started playing from somewhere nearby and I went to a window to see if I could locate the source. What I saw was an Amazon truck parked in front of a neighbor’s home and a car stopped in the street. The driver of the car, a young woman, was standing outside the car, and the truck driver was standing near the young woman. From the physical interaction, they seemed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t know why they happened to be in the same place at the same time, but I didn’t care about that. I cared about the music. I couldn’t tell if the music was coming from the car or the truck until I walked out there, and then it was obviously coming from the truck. “What are you doing?” I asked them. “People live… Read more →