I was checking out at Staples with my new purchase of a spiral notebook. The checker scanned the barcode and I started to swipe my credit card. “Wait a minute,” she said. “Don’t swipe it yet.” Time passed. “Okay, go ahead.” After I swiped the card, she said, “Can you read me the four-digit security code on the front of the card.” I read it to her. More time passed. “Can I see the card please?” she said. “I thought this was supposed to be easy.” “It is easy.” “Okay, sorry.” Along with my Staples receipt, I was given a coupon for 40 percent off a different, more expensive brand of notebook. I had actually looked at the other brand of notebook when I was in the store, but didn’t think it was worth the extra cost. If I’d had the coupon at the time, I might have used… Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. — I Corinthians 13:11
Opting Out
Best-educated moms are also more likely to ‘opt out,’ research finds — Life Inc. Opt out of what? It turns out “opt out” means opt out of the workforce. How is a mom staying home and raising her kids considered “opting out”? Read more →
Watch Out for the Gospel of the Times
everything is permitted absolute freedom of movement that is, without leaving the cage 2+2 doesn’t make 4: once it made 4 but today nothing is known in this regard — Nicanor Parra, “Watch Out for the Gospel of the Times” Read more →
But THIS Guy, He Might Be For Real
Riddle
Q: How do bananas get downstairs? A: They slide down the bananaster. Read more →
Food Trucks
Food trucks have always been the dining option of last resort — “roach coaches” we called them. Now food trucks are considered fashionable cuisine. People actually make an effort to find them and eat from them. Whoever’s in charge of brand management for the food truck industry has got to be a genius. Read more →
Home Runs
My wife asks how my job is going . . . “I’m hittin’ home runs like Willie Mays!” I reply. “You know Willie Mays?” “No.” “I’m hittin’ home runs like Mark McGwire!” “I know Jackie Robinson.” “Jackie Robinson didn’t hit a lot of home runs.” Read more →
If I Am Out of My Mind …
… it’s okay with me. Read more →
EppsNet Book Club
Welcome to the EppsNet Book Club! Here’s what we’ve been reading lately . . . Gilead by Marilynne Robinson Gilead is the journal of an old man — a pastor in a small town in Iowa — writing to his young son, whom he intends to read it after his death. He doesn’t know how to get to the point, he complains about his health despite an absence of physical symptoms, he sees everything as a blessing . . . He has no strong convictions — I think this but other people think that and they may have a point. The one strong conviction that he does have, he recants by the end of the book. It’s not a bad book but since the author, Marilynne Robinson, was awarded a Pulitzer Prize for it, I feel like I have to say that it’s not a very good book either. Imagine… Read more →
Poetry Madness
Powell’s Books has a Poetry Madness bracket online to determine the Best Poet of All Time. Unfortunately, along with some really obvious omissions, they don’t understand the concept of seeding, so while minor poets face off in a number of first round matchups, there are inexplicable heavyweight pairings like T.S. Eliot vs. Emily Dickinson . . . Read more →
Give a man a mask, and he will tell you the truth. — Oscar Wilde
Celebrity Photos
We went to a comedy show at the Irvine Improv on Friday night. Gilbert Gottfried was the headliner. I happened to recognize one of the comedians, David Angelo, sitting in the back of the room before the show — I’m a fan of his work on Twitter and YouTube — and he was gracious enough to pose for a photo taken by my wife: Now you might say that’s not a very good photo, but it is recognizable as two human beings, which is more than you could say before I spent an hour working it over in Photoshop . . . Read more →
Willpower
I bought this book on willpower but I haven’t been able to make myself read it . . . Read more →
Manager
I’ve noticed a new trend in spam is to put the word “Manager” in front of the sender’s name, e.g., Manager Joe Schmuck instead of just plain Joe Schmuck. Are people really this stupid? Does anyone think to themselves, “I don’t know any Joe Schmuck, but if he’s come up through the ranks to the level of Manager, then I think I owe it to myself to see what he has to say”? Read more →
Thanks Anyway
A guy in front of me trying to pull out of a driveway and on to the street gives me a hand signal like “Go ahead, I’ll pull out behind you.” I give him a friendly wave of acknowledgement, even though I had no intention of letting him out anyway . . . Read more →
Ocean’s Trilogy
My wife and I rented Ocean’s Eleven and enjoyed it, so we rented Ocean’s Twelve and enjoyed that too. After we watch Ocean’s Thirteen, we’re planning to rob a bank. Read more →
Intellectual Giftedness is Not Necessarily Hereditary
I get an email from the UCI-Gifted-Students mailing list. Shortly thereafter, a parent clicks Reply All to send out this response: Please remove my name from your mailing list. Wait, there’s more. A second parent then responds to the first parent, also via Reply All: I’m one of receipents [sic] of the UCI-Gifted-Students emails, therefore not responsible and able to remove you. I wish I knew who to direct you to. Good luck. Read more →
Overheard at NASA
“This is not rocket science . . . wait, yes it is!” Read more →
Overheard at the Walmart Jewelry Counter
An elderly gentleman is talking with the store manager . . . “Melissa,” he says, referring to the woman working the jewelry counter, “was so friendly and helpful to me. Any jewelry store would be happy to have her — even Zales.” Read more →