Author Archive: Paul Epps

Nightmares

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I’ve been having nightmares the last week or so. Last night I was stabbed to death by a maniac on a motorcycle. The night before I was a zombie terrorizing an Old West elementary school . . . Read more →

I Like to Manage My Own Time

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The dog and I are having a great time this morning playing tug-of-war. My wife is ironing clothes. “What time is it?” she asks. “It’s 7:22. Are you trying to tell me to stop playing around and go to work?” “No, I’m trying to time it so I can stop ironing and make Casey’s breakfast before he has to go to school.” “Apology accepted.” Read more →

You Have to Look at the Total Cost

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My wife decided to highlight her own hair, which costs five dollars if you do it yourself versus 50 dollars at the hair salon. Later I noticed, in the master bathroom, a large black carpet stain in front of her sink. “That can be taken care of,” she said. I said, “I can’t help noticing that someone, probably you, has already tried to get that stain out without much success.” “I don’t have the right cleaning product,” she said. “And it’s time to get the carpet cleaned anyway. Carpet cleaners can get that out easily. Easily. Been there, done that.” “So let’s review,” I said. “We saved 45 dollars on the hair coloring but we’re going to end up spending a thousand to replace the carpet . . .” Read more →

Life’s Simple Pleasures

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Up late last night, up early this morning . . . my wife and I take Lightning to the dog beach. We get home a little after 10 . . . Nap time! When I wake up and look at the (analog) clock over the fireplace, it’s already 3 p.m. My god, I’ve slept the whole day away! No, wait . . . the big hand is on the 3 and the little hand is on the 12. It’s only 12:15! Back to sleep . . . Read more →

The Da Vinci Code

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My wife brings home a Da Vinci Code DVD from Blockbuster . . . “You want to see Da Vinci Code?” I ask. She says, “That’s what you asked me to get, right?” “Mmmmm, no. Why would I do that?” “Dad hates The Da Vinci Code,” the boy chimes in. “He hates everything about it. He hates the book, he hates the movie, he hates Da Vinci . . .” “No, Da Vinci is the one bright spot in the whole sorry situation. Da Vinci himself was a great man. Everyone else involved in these projects is a shameless hack.” Read more →

God and Me

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This showed up on Facebook this morning (name changed): Jacques Strap is amazed that God cares about even the smallest details of my life. In the words of Lyle Lovett: “That’s the difference between God and me.” Read more →

That Narrows it Down to Half the Population

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This exchange — a post followed by a comment — showed up on my Facebook home page today. The poster and the commenter are both women, btw . . . let’s play a game! Who am I?? I’m the first to talk shit behind peoples back, but when I’m talked about i’m the first to get all pissy! Who am I? Every female known to man. I spit cola all over my desk when I read that . . . Read more →

La Jueza Empática

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I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life. — Judge Sonia Sotomayor   President Obama has said he wanted justices with “empathy,” although in fairness he has also insisted that knowledge of the law would not disqualify a prospective nominee. — Best of the Web Today Read more →

20 Years Went By Like the Wind

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I found a former colleague on LinkedIn this weekend — he was my boss at my very first IT job as an entry-level programmer. He mentioned that his daughter had graduated from college and is now an ER nurse. That doesn’t sound right because I remember when his daughter was born and it seems like just last week, but I’m doing the math in my head and sure enough it was more than 20 years ago . . . Read more →

Women and Solitaire

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We’re driving home from the hockey rink in Corona . . . my son’s playing solitaire on his iPod. As we’re pulling off the freeway in Irvine, he says, “I just won my first game the entire trip.” I say, “When I play it on the computer, I lose most of the time, but once in a while I’ll get like a three-game winning streak.” “Yeah, me too.” “It’s like women in that respect. The overall goal is to make you feel bad about yourself, but they throw in just enough positive reinforcement to keep you from giving up completely.” Read more →

Finding the Dragon

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My son and I walk into Trader Joe’s . . . there’s a big sign that says “KIDS! Find the hidden dragon and win a prize!” “I’m going to find the dragon,” the boy announces. “I bet it’s at the free sample stand.” Not surprisingly, it’s not at the free sample stand, but while we’re there we’re able to drown our sorrows with some free baked beans and hot dogs . . . Read more →

Learning to Drive

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My son’s learning to drive . . . pulling out of a parking lot, he turns right and clips the curb a little bit. I ask him, “Did you look left to make sure no one was coming?” “I saw no one was coming.” “How did you see that if you didn’t look?” “I saw it in my peripheral vision.” “Did you also see that curb you just hit in your peripheral vision?” Read more →

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