Author Archive: Paul Epps

Twitter: 2009-06-09

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RT @postsecret: A creative pool of photos on flickr that combines the past with the present in a ghostly way. http://ad.vu/nsee # RT @HeyTammyBruce: Adam doesn’t look gay, he looks one step away from a Marilyn Monroe wig, a boa and a name change to Eve. # Read more →

Shell or Chevron?

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I gotta get some gas. I pull off the freeway — Shell or Chevron? They’re right next to each other. I check the price for regular — $2.93 either way. It’s a tossup. Then my son notices on a sign that the Shell gasoline is “nitrogen enriched.” “Nitrogen enriched!?” I say. “Are you kidding me?! Fuck Chevron . . . what is nitrogen, anyway?” “It’s an element.” “Yeah I know, but who can tell me why it’s a good idea to put it in gasoline? What are we, chemistry professors?” “It seeks out and destroys engine gunk.” “What? How do you know that?” “I read it on the sign.” “Oh . . . OK then, we’re going Shell!” Read more →

Twitter: 2009-06-08

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RT @diablocody: Re: people using the word “robust” when describing technology. It’s a phone, not Bolognese sauce. # Nothing is more dangerous than an idea, when it’s the only one you have. — Emile-Auguste Chartier # Oxymoron of the day: optional requirements # Read more →

The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes

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I’ve got the dog all hooked up for a walk but I don’t have shoes on . . . Look! Right here by the front door are my son’s prized possession — his red sneakers! He notices me slipping my feet into them and says, “Hey! What size are your feet? You’re not going to stretch them out, are you?” “Actually,” I say, “they feel a little loose.” “OK,” he says grudgingly. “Don’t step in any puddles.” Read more →

Randy Johnson’s 300th Win

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Fellow Trojan Randy Johnson won his 300th game last night. I miss the good old days when starting pitchers actually won games on the mound, not in the dugout after throwing six innings and handing it off to the bullpen . . . Read more →

David Carradine, 1936–2009

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Alas, poor Carradine! I knew him, Horatio. A couple of years ago I was walking through the international terminal at LAX, picking up my family on a flight from Bangkok, when I heard a voice behind me: “This is David Carradine.” I turned and it was Carradine, talking on a cell phone! A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy! The rest is silence . . . Read more →

Nightmares

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I’ve been having nightmares the last week or so. Last night I was stabbed to death by a maniac on a motorcycle. The night before I was a zombie terrorizing an Old West elementary school . . . Read more →

I Like to Manage My Own Time

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The dog and I are having a great time this morning playing tug-of-war. My wife is ironing clothes. “What time is it?” she asks. “It’s 7:22. Are you trying to tell me to stop playing around and go to work?” “No, I’m trying to time it so I can stop ironing and make Casey’s breakfast before he has to go to school.” “Apology accepted.” Read more →

You Have to Look at the Total Cost

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My wife decided to highlight her own hair, which costs five dollars if you do it yourself versus 50 dollars at the hair salon. Later I noticed, in the master bathroom, a large black carpet stain in front of her sink. “That can be taken care of,” she said. I said, “I can’t help noticing that someone, probably you, has already tried to get that stain out without much success.” “I don’t have the right cleaning product,” she said. “And it’s time to get the carpet cleaned anyway. Carpet cleaners can get that out easily. Easily. Been there, done that.” “So let’s review,” I said. “We saved 45 dollars on the hair coloring but we’re going to end up spending a thousand to replace the carpet . . .” Read more →

Life’s Simple Pleasures

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Up late last night, up early this morning . . . my wife and I take Lightning to the dog beach. We get home a little after 10 . . . Nap time! When I wake up and look at the (analog) clock over the fireplace, it’s already 3 p.m. My god, I’ve slept the whole day away! No, wait . . . the big hand is on the 3 and the little hand is on the 12. It’s only 12:15! Back to sleep . . . Read more →

The Da Vinci Code

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My wife brings home a Da Vinci Code DVD from Blockbuster . . . “You want to see Da Vinci Code?” I ask. She says, “That’s what you asked me to get, right?” “Mmmmm, no. Why would I do that?” “Dad hates The Da Vinci Code,” the boy chimes in. “He hates everything about it. He hates the book, he hates the movie, he hates Da Vinci . . .” “No, Da Vinci is the one bright spot in the whole sorry situation. Da Vinci himself was a great man. Everyone else involved in these projects is a shameless hack.” Read more →

God and Me

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This showed up on Facebook this morning (name changed): Jacques Strap is amazed that God cares about even the smallest details of my life. In the words of Lyle Lovett: “That’s the difference between God and me.” Read more →

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