My first memory was of stories about the past — a past that, according to the storytellers, was superior in every way to the life then being lived. It didn’t take me long, however, to understand that the present was all we had, for the past was gone and nothing could be done about it. — Horton Foote Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Stimulus Bill is Creating Jobs
A friend works at a wind energy company. I asked him if he was getting his share of the money from our new planned economy. His response: “We are stimulated! There is some good stuff in there for renewable. We may need to open a DC office just to chase the $$.” As long as we think that we can grow GDP by having an ever-larger proportion of our best citizens working as full-time lobbyists, it would seem that the stimulus bill is working as advertised. — Philip Greenspun Read more →
Obama the Entertainer
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped by 300 points to end below the 6800 mark for the first time in nearly 12 years, as a broad-based selloff seized the markets, sending shares lower in every sector. The S&P 500 briefly dropped below 700 for the first time since October 1996 before ending just at that level amid across-the-board declines, including drops of more than 6% in basic materials, energy, financial and industrial sectors. The Nasdaq Composite Index fell 4%. — WSJ.com, March 2, 2009 CONGA! Read more →
Outside the Lines
It’s the last high school roller hockey game of the regular season. One of the kids’ dads shows up for the first time and asks questions like, “Do they win most of their games?” Do they win most of their games?! Are you kidding?! You should know that. Even if you don’t come to the games, you could ask your kid when he gets home. Another dad has a great answer. “Come over here,” he says. “I want to introduce you to your son.” Over on the moms’ side of the bleachers, they’re talking about financial matters. One woman is sad because they bought their house at the peak of the market and they’re financially stuck in it for the foreseeable future. Another woman almost cries describing how 14 years of contributions to her husband’s 401k have been totally wiped out. Meanwhile on the rink, Northwood dominates Capo Valley pretty… Read more →
At the Starbucks Drive-Thru
“Welcome to Starbucks. My name is Sam. Would you like to try an apple [something something]?” I couldn’t understand what he said. “A what?” I asked. “An apple chai [something].” “No.” “Are you sure?” “Can you say it one more time? I didn’t get the last part.” “Apple … chai … infusion.” “I’ll have a venti iced latte.” “OK. That’s almost as good.” The poor guy really had his heart set on serving me an apple chai infusion . . . Read more →
James D. Watson Bobblehead, R.I.P.
The last place I worked, I kept my James D. Watson bobblehead on a cubicle divider, next to a SpongeBob bobblehead that belonged to a colleague. Everyone who saw these two guys recognized SpongeBob, but not one person ever recognized James D. Watson. I mean, they knew it was someone named James D. Watson because his name is right there on the base, but despite the fact that he’s holding a double helix structure, nobody recognized him as James D. Watson, Nobel Laureate and co-discoverer of the structure of the DNA molecule. (Ironically, one of the main reasons I got into software development was the opportunity to work with smart, educated people.) I brought Watson with me to the place I work now, but unfortunately I accidentally knocked him off a credenza one morning and his head broke off. I tried a couple of times to glue it back on… Read more →
Be on the Lookout for a Hardened Criminal
Man arrested may be linked to Viagra theft — OCRegister.com Read more →
Frugality or Faux Pas
Idaho’s first lady wore the same dress twice — to the gala at Saint Al’s Festival of Trees in November, and then again Sunday to the White House for a dinner with the nation’s governors, the Obamas’ first formal soiree. Lori Otter bought the dress — a floor-length black Jovani gown — on sale at the local boutique Karen Louise in Downtown Boise, the governor’s office said. The gown retails for about $700, but Otter got it for about $500. — Idaho Statesman This is news? Out here in the real America, not only do we wear the same clothes–even less expensive items like socks and underwear–dozens of times, but a whole industry has arisen providing equipment, detergents and services for washing clothes between uses. — Best of the Web Today Read more →
Here’s What I’ve Done
And when I die And when I’m dead, dead and gone, There’ll be one child born And a world to carry on, to carry on. — Laura Nyro, “And When I Die” It may seem like a small thing, but it’s the best thing I could do. I’ve raised — we’ve raised — and continue to raise, a boy who, at the age of 15, has exceeded me as a person in every way I can think of. He’s even taller than I am. So when I’m gone, he’ll take over my spot, and the world will be a better place . . . Read more →
Life Imitates Dilbert
DOGBERT (running for president): I promise to take money from the people who don’t vote for me and give it to the people who do. — Dilbert, Aug. 11, 2007 WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama delivered Congress a $3.6 trillion budget blueprint Thursday that hopes to “break from a troubled past” with a sharp shift toward expanded government activism, tax increases on affluent families and businesses, and spending cuts targeted at those he says profited from “an era of profound irresponsibility.” — “Obama Delivers $3.6 Trillion Budget Blueprint,”, WSJ.com Read more →
Shmoop
I posted something on Twitter about helping my son with The Great Gatsby and got what you might call a spam reply from this girl, who said “have u tried http://shmoop.com for The Great Gatsby?” Evidently Shmoop, which I’d never heard of, has people hanging out on Twitter waiting for someone to mention a book, at which point they send back a “have u tried …” reply. Lest you think that’s a totally ineffective thing to do, I actually did click over to the Shmoop entry on The Great Gatsby, which starts off like this: The Great Gatsby is a delightful concoction of MTV Cribs, VH1’s The Fabulous Life Of…, and HBO’s Sopranos. Shake over ice, add a twist of jazz, a spritz of adultery, and the little pink umbrella that completes this long island iced tea and you’ve got yourself a 5 o’clock beverage that, given the 1920’s setting,… Read more →
Bank Error in Your Favor
A Swedish woman got the shock of her life when she found $US1.13 billion ($1.76 billion) more than expected in her bank account. — The Sydney Morning Herald Hmmm . . . where have I heard of this before? Oh yeah, I remember now . . . Read more →
You’re Getting Stimulated
OLYMPIA, Wash. — The state is sending out hundreds of thousands of $1 checks to the state’s neediest residents. It’s a plan that’s supposed to bring millions of dollars worth of food stamps to the state by March. When you add printing and postage, it seems like a waste, but the state says the economy has them pulling out all the stops to find money wherever they can. — The Olympian Yeah, it seems like a waste now — but wait till the Keynesian multiplier kicks in! Read more →
Headline of the Day
Taco Tuesday
Hangintherejack.com has coupons for two free tacos, valid ONLY today — Tuesday, February 24, 2009 — from 12:00 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. I know this because my son printed out a sheaf of them last night and asked me to take him to Jack in the Box at midnight for a bedtime taco snack. When that idea sputtered, he laid out his plan for today as follows: Drive through Jack in the Box on the way to school and get two free tacos for breakfast. Drive through Jack in the Box on the way home from school. His mom will get two free tacos in the drive-through lane while he gets out of the car, goes inside and orders two more free tacos. For dinner, repeat Step 2. Read more →
So You Want to Be a Writer
The world is what it is; men who are nothing, who allow themselves to become nothing, have no place in it. — V.S. Naipaul, A Bend in the River This book would be a great gift from a parent to a child who is interested in becoming a writer. When Junior discovers that winning the Nobel Prize in Literature at age 69 entails spending most of one’s decades depressed, impoverished, ignored, and bitter, he will likely knuckle under and agree to pursue radiology. — Philip Greenspun Read more →
The Facebook Comment I Didn’t Write
Here’s the status update I did post: Paul is shoehorning the limitlessness of life through the limitations of the present… A woman whose son plays on a roller hockey team with my son posted the following comment: Wow. That’s actually pretty profound & it took me a few seconds to process that! 🙂 And here’s the comment I didn’t write in response: That’s why I bring a book to hockey tournaments, so I don’t have to spend the time between games trying to talk to people who’d always be 5 seconds behind me. Read more →
It’s Not Safe to Live Here Anymore
IRVINE A man is dead — and his wife and son injured — after his daughter’s ex-boyfriend allegedly took the family hostage for five hours beginning late Friday, police said. — OCRegister.com That’s the second murder in town in the last two weeks! PACK YOUR BAGS HONEY! WE’RE MOVING TO SANTA ANA! Read more →
Facebook Competition
We don’t just want more friends than everybody else; we also want the highest score in Word Twist and the most virtual Easter Eggs. I recently spent nearly 24 hours playing Scramble on Facebook until I had a higher score than my friend Dough Dough. Why? Because I knew Facebook would send him a note that said; “Raina has beaten your personal high score on Scramble.” When he commented on his complete and total defeat, I just said; “I didn’t know Facebook would tell you that. OMG! LOL!” — Raina Kelley, “Seven Lies We Tell Ourselves About Facebook”, Newsweek.com Read more →
Ryan Davidson, 1993-2009
Ryan was one of the greatest competitors I’ve ever known and I’m so thankful for his inspiration. — Pete Carroll Ryan Davidson, a member of the USC family, passed away today on his 16th birthday. Very sad news . . . Read more →